New Diversity Statement Please Help Forum

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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GreekOmega12

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New Diversity Statement Please Help

Post by GreekOmega12 » Thu Oct 15, 2015 2:25 pm

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Last edited by GreekOmega12 on Sat Jan 02, 2016 5:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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GreekOmega12

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Re: New Diversity Statement Please Help

Post by GreekOmega12 » Sun Oct 18, 2015 12:08 am

Anything? Anyone?

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cbbinnyc

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Re: New Diversity Statement Please Help

Post by cbbinnyc » Sun Oct 18, 2015 12:53 am

Not an expert on the DS, but the content seems pretty good. There are some grammatical problems and the whole thing could generally be tightened up. I'm happy to PM you and give you my take on that, though I imagine anybody who is a decent writer could do that.

CanadianWolf

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Re: New Diversity Statement Please Help

Post by CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 18, 2015 8:38 am

This is not a well-written diversity statement. The first sentence seems to be comprised of an unrelated phrase added to a sentence. Additionally, there is too much repetition in your short writing.

CanadianWolf

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Re: New Diversity Statement Please Help

Post by CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 18, 2015 9:09 am

CONSIDER this approach:

Chicago is a tough place to grow up when you are a black male living in one of the city's lower socioeconomic communities. Many of my classmates resorted to selling drugs and committing other crimes as a means of economic survival. Many were also involved in a culture of gang related violence. I was different.

Like most of my peers, I was raised without a father. My mother worked full-time so I was often left on my own. Education became my part-time parent. I viewed education as a way out to a better life. I was different than my peers.

I wanted to understand why black communities were so economically depressed and riddled with gang related violence. My quest for knowledge led me to study history and government. I enrolled at the local community college in an effort to better understand what needed to be done in order to help my community. I wanted to become an agent for social change.

In college, I became a leader among my classmates. I learned that being a positive role model was a great responsibility that was lacking among my peers from my neighborhood. Young black males from single family households in lower socioeconomic neighborhoods are easily influenced by gang members because they have no other male role models. I am determined to break this cycle of following bad role models into a life of drugs and crime by offering help and guidance toward education and responsibility.

I know my community and I know what needs to be done. I know where I come from and I know where I need to go. Law school will help me to get there. And I, in turn, will help my community get to where it needs to be.

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