Please comment and critique Forum

[Anonymous User]

thanks guys, will repost soon.

[mist4bison]

I feel like you could use this topic, but I also don't hear much of you in this. I think you can do without the quoted portions and the job description-type sentences, which are the bulk of the essay. Why do you think they chose you to run the office? What characteristic do you have that sets you apart? What skills did you gain working here and how are those going to help you in law school? Why are you going to law school instead of continuing herE? These are all questions I'm left with after reading the essay.

Overall, I'd suggest starting from scratch using this topic, but instead focusing on you more than the job. The job should be the background, you should be in the foreground. Right now, I know a lot about the job, but not a ton about you.

[lymenheimer]

Some grammatical issues I've noticed: your subject-verb agreement in some places is incorrect (First para. second sent: "There was talks", I believe should be "There were talks") as is your verb parallelism (second para.: "as he is talking to me I sat anxiously". Those verbs should agree "is talking/sit" or "talked/sat"). They are not egregious, but in some places they distract from your story (though I will admit I often hunt those errors out). You also, towards the end, use "typically" back to back which reads awkwardly. Other than that, if you read it aloud to yourself you will likely catch the small things that sound funny.

I find your story very compelling and a well written representation of some skills that you possess. I think, if you were looking to improve on it, you could take out/shorten up some of the background and use that space to elaborate a bit on the work that you did, or maybe show yourself in a different light due to this promotion. I think it could be fine as is, but if you were hurting for space, there are some things you could make the suggested edit to add stuff in.

I will say that I am not sure how it places you in the position of wanting to enter the legal profession. You do not have to express that in the least, in fact I tried to avoid hitting on this myself. But it may be something you want to think about and consider as you are making edits: could it strongly be tied to why you want to go into law? if so, make that connection. If not, it shows that you are responsible and can handle an office all on your own, which are good qualities in and of themselves.

edit: scooped by mist on the background stuff.

[CanadianWolf]

This is not an effective law school PS. As presented, it is too long & lacks any meaningful insights about your growth & development.

An effective law school PS should include a clearly set out theme supported by reflection & insights which show your intellectual & emotional growth & development.

As written, your PS suggests that you may not be ready for law school as your work & thoughts are primarily administrative & clerical rather than analytical.

[Anonymous User]

Thank you guys for the criticism! I am working on it and making changes, when done I will post again...hopefully you guys can give it another go? I really appreciate the honest opinions and criticism.