PS First Draft Forum

[themoose90]

Any constructive criticism would be much appreciated.

[CanadianWolf]

Lots of interesting material in need of refinement. Too wordy. The last four sentences of the fourth paragraph should be the focus (the theme) of this writing.

As an aside, there are similarities to the Cuban experience. I often felt that the hardliners hindered the US & helped the USSR, & later the Russians, with their all-or-nothing posture. But, I didn't live through what they experienced.

In short, redefine your theme & consider expressing some compassion for & understanding of the other side's viewpoint. You have outstanding material with which to craft an effective law school personal statement showing personal growth.

[themoose90]

Thanks CanadianWolf. I've received a few pm's about expanding the last paragraph as well and making it the focus of the statement. Going to work on the 2nd draft over the weekend.

[cbbinnyc]

Thanks CanadianWolf. I've received a few pm's about expanding the last paragraph as well and making it the focus of the statement. Going to work on the 2nd draft over the weekend.

Just throwing this out there ... if you want to expand the final paragraph, perhaps consider making it a separate, "optional" statement focused on career goals. The story you open with is engaging and demonstrates that you have put your ideals into action. I don't think you want to lose that and I'm not sure you can expand the last paragraph without losing other material (the essay is a little on the long side as it is).

ETA: Already said, but I should add that this is a very solid first draft. You've got great material to work with.