Thanks guys! Forum

Leonardo DiCaprio · Post by **Leonardo DiCaprio** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:11 am

wtf lol

Scalvert · Post by **Scalvert** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:26 am

This is certainly unique and an interesting read. I'm not sure about the colon in the final sentence or the following:

"...an enormous dystopian city under the sea founded on Objectivist principles....a nationalistic city in the clouds ridden with extremist faith and racism"

The way it's worded is unclear. It sounds as if the sea were founded on objectivist principles and the clouds were ridden with extremism; it's an easy fix, though.

I don't know what an adcomm's reaction would be since this is so different - at least it's different than everything I've read- but that may be a good thing. I like your writing style; your thoughts seem to ramble a bit, but it actually adds something to it. I can't really explain, lol. I can't say whether or not it's appropriate, but it will surely get you noticed.

pittsburghpirates · Post by **pittsburghpirates** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:34 am

Post removed.

Leonardo DiCaprio · Post by **Leonardo DiCaprio** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:48 am

wtf. no. this is definitely not a "good thing." it's awful. this entire PS comes off as childish and borderline creepy. it's also all over the place. don't use contractions in a PS. if i were reading this as an adcomm id question your judgment and maturity level. i might also think you have aspergers.

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:52 am

Post removed.

Scalvert · Post by **Scalvert** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 1:21 am

Agree with Ben on the First Amendment-it did seem to come out of nowhere. It isn't that it's not a valid observation, but it is abrupt. Maybe edit some of the previous game description and spend a little more time transitioning from the comparison to legal protection. (at least use more transition than one quote from Plato)

I'm not sure about the "we can't tell anything about her" part, though. I can infer that OP is smart, well-read, creative and probably sees things differently than most people. However, I get the concern over the topic and other matters as well.

With your numbers being at/above median, there's probably no reason to give anyone a reason to question anything. Maybe it would be better to play it safe. That being said, it is your statement and it needs to be something that you are happy with.

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 1:37 am

Post removed.

scone · Post by **scone** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 4:50 am

I think you're going to end up with a very interesting PS - it just probably won't be this one. It is a very interesting piece of writing, but it's a bit too wacky as it stands.

Firstly, read this: http://blogs.law.stanford.edu/admission ... about-you/

Secondly: the comparison of video games and greek tragedies is interesting and unusual, but for me - as someone who is interested in neither - the final line is the most promising. An essay focussing squarely on that - video games, greek tragedies and the first amendment - would be fascinating. Rather than simply drawing a comparison between two artistic fields, with a bit about the first amendment tacked on the end, you could relate them back to society in a really unique way. I think this would give the essay more depth and maturity, as well as that all-important insight into how you engage with the world.

Finally, cut out much of the description of the games themselves. The line beginning 'Young...' and ending '...uprisings' is plain weird in this context. Use the additional fluff-space to elaborate on your own story and how it relates to the topic (in particular, try your best to give some indication that you're outgoing!), and try to weave that into a slightly drier essay about the first amendment as it relates to video games, illustrated by parallels to ancient greek tragedy. Best of luck!

Scalvert · Post by **Scalvert** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 9:27 am

benwyatt wrote:
Scalvert wrote:I can infer that OP is smart, well-read, creative and probably sees things differently than most people.
The problem is that these things could be said about a lot of applicants. Your PS is your opportunity to distinguish yourself from the herd.

True.

scone wrote:
An essay focussing squarely on that - video games, greek tragedies and the first amendment - would be fascinating. Rather than simply drawing a comparison between two artistic fields, with a bit about the first amendment tacked on the end, you could relate them back to society in a really unique way. I think this would give the essay more depth and maturity, as well as that all-important insight into how you engage with the world

This is a good idea; by narrowing the focus, you keep your unique subject matter, but come across more seriously.

Widdle_Dumpling · Post by **Widdle_Dumpling** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 2:21 pm

Thanks for your critiques everyone! I do worry a little about video games being seen as immature, though I had hoped that the fact I'm doing actual scholastic work in them would lessen the effect. I'll try to make the theme a little less artsy, and cut out the unnecessary expositions. Cheers!
Time to buckle down and get to work on a second draft.

CanadianWolf · Post by **CanadianWolf** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 3:54 pm

This writing is disjointed & a bit confusing because you have not refined your theme. As written, some may question whether or not you're ready for law school.

CanadianWolf · Post by **CanadianWolf** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 3:57 pm

Your PS is too long & too detailed. Paragraphs one, two & four are fine; the third paragraph should be deleted.

Keep only the first portion of the first sentence of the fifth paragraph--delete the rest of the sentence after the colon & delete the rest of the paragraph.

DELETE: Paragraphs six & eight.

Widdle_Dumpling · Post by **Widdle_Dumpling** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 5:17 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Your PS is too long & too detailed. Paragraphs one, two & four are fine; the third paragraph should be deleted.

Keep only the first portion of the first sentence of the fifth paragraph--delete the rest of the sentence after the colon & delete the rest of the paragraph.

DELETE: Paragraphs six & eight.

Good advice, thank you. Are you counting the last paragraph as 8?

CanadianWolf · Post by **CanadianWolf** » Mon Sep 14, 2015 6:08 pm

Widdle_Dumpling · Post by **Widdle_Dumpling** » Fri Sep 25, 2015 7:57 pm

I put up a second draft. Thanks in advance for the advice!

scone · Post by **scone** » Fri Sep 25, 2015 8:03 pm

Substantially better - excellent, imho

Minor points: cut "not to get into too much detail about the plot". Add "lauded by some as the best video game..."

Scalvert · Post by **Scalvert** » Fri Sep 25, 2015 8:33 pm

I like this much better as well. The second sentence of paragraph 5 seems awkward. It reads as if the colon following the list of game types should have been placed before the word "simulators."

Widdle_Dumpling · Post by **Widdle_Dumpling** » Sat Sep 26, 2015 8:03 pm

Scalvert wrote:I like this much better as well. The second sentence of paragraph 5 seems awkward. It reads as if the colon following the list of game types should have been placed before the word "simulators."

scone wrote:Substantially better - excellent, imho

Minor points: cut "not to get into too much detail about the plot". Add "lauded by some as the best video game..."

Thank you both! I think I fixed what you were pointing out, if not let me know.

Scalvert · Post by **Scalvert** » Sat Sep 26, 2015 11:51 pm

Maybe also lose the comma between "excited" and "as" I'm the final paragraph. Other than that, it looks good to go