Thanks guys! Forum
- Widdle_Dumpling
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Thanks guys!
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Last edited by Widdle_Dumpling on Mon Sep 28, 2015 11:56 am, edited 6 times in total.
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Re: First draft of PS.
This is certainly unique and an interesting read. I'm not sure about the colon in the final sentence or the following:
"...an enormous dystopian city under the sea founded on Objectivist principles....a nationalistic city in the clouds ridden with extremist faith and racism"
The way it's worded is unclear. It sounds as if the sea were founded on objectivist principles and the clouds were ridden with extremism; it's an easy fix, though.
I don't know what an adcomm's reaction would be since this is so different - at least it's different than everything I've read- but that may be a good thing. I like your writing style; your thoughts seem to ramble a bit, but it actually adds something to it. I can't really explain, lol. I can't say whether or not it's appropriate, but it will surely get you noticed.
"...an enormous dystopian city under the sea founded on Objectivist principles....a nationalistic city in the clouds ridden with extremist faith and racism"
The way it's worded is unclear. It sounds as if the sea were founded on objectivist principles and the clouds were ridden with extremism; it's an easy fix, though.
I don't know what an adcomm's reaction would be since this is so different - at least it's different than everything I've read- but that may be a good thing. I like your writing style; your thoughts seem to ramble a bit, but it actually adds something to it. I can't really explain, lol. I can't say whether or not it's appropriate, but it will surely get you noticed.
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Last edited by pittsburghpirates on Mon Nov 09, 2015 1:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- Leonardo DiCaprio
- Posts: 316
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Re: First draft of PS.
wtf. no. this is definitely not a "good thing." it's awful. this entire PS comes off as childish and borderline creepy. it's also all over the place. don't use contractions in a PS. if i were reading this as an adcomm id question your judgment and maturity level. i might also think you have aspergers.
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- benwyatt
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Last edited by benwyatt on Sun Nov 08, 2015 11:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: First draft of PS.
Agree with Ben on the First Amendment-it did seem to come out of nowhere. It isn't that it's not a valid observation, but it is abrupt. Maybe edit some of the previous game description and spend a little more time transitioning from the comparison to legal protection. (at least use more transition than one quote from Plato)
I'm not sure about the "we can't tell anything about her" part, though. I can infer that OP is smart, well-read, creative and probably sees things differently than most people. However, I get the concern over the topic and other matters as well.
With your numbers being at/above median, there's probably no reason to give anyone a reason to question anything. Maybe it would be better to play it safe. That being said, it is your statement and it needs to be something that you are happy with.
I'm not sure about the "we can't tell anything about her" part, though. I can infer that OP is smart, well-read, creative and probably sees things differently than most people. However, I get the concern over the topic and other matters as well.
With your numbers being at/above median, there's probably no reason to give anyone a reason to question anything. Maybe it would be better to play it safe. That being said, it is your statement and it needs to be something that you are happy with.
- benwyatt
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Last edited by benwyatt on Sun Nov 08, 2015 11:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- scone
- Posts: 209
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Re: First draft of PS.
I think you're going to end up with a very interesting PS - it just probably won't be this one. It is a very interesting piece of writing, but it's a bit too wacky as it stands.
Firstly, read this: http://blogs.law.stanford.edu/admission ... about-you/
Secondly: the comparison of video games and greek tragedies is interesting and unusual, but for me - as someone who is interested in neither - the final line is the most promising. An essay focussing squarely on that - video games, greek tragedies and the first amendment - would be fascinating. Rather than simply drawing a comparison between two artistic fields, with a bit about the first amendment tacked on the end, you could relate them back to society in a really unique way. I think this would give the essay more depth and maturity, as well as that all-important insight into how you engage with the world.
Finally, cut out much of the description of the games themselves. The line beginning 'Young...' and ending '...uprisings' is plain weird in this context. Use the additional fluff-space to elaborate on your own story and how it relates to the topic (in particular, try your best to give some indication that you're outgoing!), and try to weave that into a slightly drier essay about the first amendment as it relates to video games, illustrated by parallels to ancient greek tragedy. Best of luck!
Firstly, read this: http://blogs.law.stanford.edu/admission ... about-you/
Secondly: the comparison of video games and greek tragedies is interesting and unusual, but for me - as someone who is interested in neither - the final line is the most promising. An essay focussing squarely on that - video games, greek tragedies and the first amendment - would be fascinating. Rather than simply drawing a comparison between two artistic fields, with a bit about the first amendment tacked on the end, you could relate them back to society in a really unique way. I think this would give the essay more depth and maturity, as well as that all-important insight into how you engage with the world.
Finally, cut out much of the description of the games themselves. The line beginning 'Young...' and ending '...uprisings' is plain weird in this context. Use the additional fluff-space to elaborate on your own story and how it relates to the topic (in particular, try your best to give some indication that you're outgoing!), and try to weave that into a slightly drier essay about the first amendment as it relates to video games, illustrated by parallels to ancient greek tragedy. Best of luck!
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Re: First draft of PS.
True.benwyatt wrote:The problem is that these things could be said about a lot of applicants. Your PS is your opportunity to distinguish yourself from the herd.Scalvert wrote:I can infer that OP is smart, well-read, creative and probably sees things differently than most people.
This is a good idea; by narrowing the focus, you keep your unique subject matter, but come across more seriously.scone wrote:
An essay focussing squarely on that - video games, greek tragedies and the first amendment - would be fascinating. Rather than simply drawing a comparison between two artistic fields, with a bit about the first amendment tacked on the end, you could relate them back to society in a really unique way. I think this would give the essay more depth and maturity, as well as that all-important insight into how you engage with the world
- Widdle_Dumpling
- Posts: 66
- Joined: Sun Sep 06, 2015 2:31 pm
Re: First draft of PS.
Thanks for your critiques everyone! I do worry a little about video games being seen as immature, though I had hoped that the fact I'm doing actual scholastic work in them would lessen the effect. I'll try to make the theme a little less artsy, and cut out the unnecessary expositions. Cheers!
Time to buckle down and get to work on a second draft.
Time to buckle down and get to work on a second draft.
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Re: First draft of PS.
This writing is disjointed & a bit confusing because you have not refined your theme. As written, some may question whether or not you're ready for law school.
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Re: First draft of PS.
Your PS is too long & too detailed. Paragraphs one, two & four are fine; the third paragraph should be deleted.
Keep only the first portion of the first sentence of the fifth paragraph--delete the rest of the sentence after the colon & delete the rest of the paragraph.
DELETE: Paragraphs six & eight.
Keep only the first portion of the first sentence of the fifth paragraph--delete the rest of the sentence after the colon & delete the rest of the paragraph.
DELETE: Paragraphs six & eight.
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- Widdle_Dumpling
- Posts: 66
- Joined: Sun Sep 06, 2015 2:31 pm
Re: First draft of PS.
Good advice, thank you. Are you counting the last paragraph as 8?CanadianWolf wrote:Your PS is too long & too detailed. Paragraphs one, two & four are fine; the third paragraph should be deleted.
Keep only the first portion of the first sentence of the fifth paragraph--delete the rest of the sentence after the colon & delete the rest of the paragraph.
DELETE: Paragraphs six & eight.
- Widdle_Dumpling
- Posts: 66
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Re: A sort of second draft/early first
I put up a second draft. Thanks in advance for the advice!
- scone
- Posts: 209
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Re: A sort of second draft/early first
Substantially better - excellent, imho
Minor points: cut "not to get into too much detail about the plot". Add "lauded by some as the best video game..."
Minor points: cut "not to get into too much detail about the plot". Add "lauded by some as the best video game..."
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Re: A sort of second draft/early first
I like this much better as well. The second sentence of paragraph 5 seems awkward. It reads as if the colon following the list of game types should have been placed before the word "simulators."
- Widdle_Dumpling
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Re: A sort of second draft/early first
Scalvert wrote:I like this much better as well. The second sentence of paragraph 5 seems awkward. It reads as if the colon following the list of game types should have been placed before the word "simulators."
Thank you both! I think I fixed what you were pointing out, if not let me know.scone wrote:Substantially better - excellent, imho
Minor points: cut "not to get into too much detail about the plot". Add "lauded by some as the best video game..."
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Re: Second draft--Updated
Maybe also lose the comma between "excited" and "as" I'm the final paragraph. Other than that, it looks good to go
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