PS or DS? Forum

[ToadToad]

I completed the first draft of my (possible) personal statement earlier today. I'm in the military, but much of my statement revolves around my fluency in Arabic and the cultural roadblocks I've encountered during my studies, with a significant portion being allotted to my decision to inform my native-Arab instructors of my engagement to my (now) husband. It includes references to the military, but perhaps not as much as other service members' statements.

My question is, should I devote my personal statement more to my experience in the military and leave sexual orientation to a diversity statement? Or would my current statement, as described above, leave more of an impact? I'm undecided because, although I've read that playing-up my military career in the PS is a smart move, I question whether my own experiences are vastly different from other applicants'. And as I mentioned before, the military aspect isn't ignored entirely; it's just not front and center.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. If seeing my rough draft would help, I'd be happy to send it. Thanks.

[Scalvert]

If I understand what you're saying correctly, I think it would work fine as a PS. (Probably better as ps, but that's JMO) it's certainly not something that would be run of the mill, and it would make your essay stand out. Send it my way, I'll take a look.

[debdeb2]

I doubt anyone else is going to have an essay where he is 1) in a position of power and 2) informing citizens of a country whose culture is not typically accepting of LGBT people that he is getting married to someone of the same gender.

Don't worry too much about whether your essay might look too much like other military essays - adcomms are used to seeing lots of similar essays each cycle. It's more important that you make yours a good essay that is well-written and developed - after a few cycles for the adcomms, there just aren't that many unique topics left. They read hundreds of these things. Quality>unique in this numbers game.

DS vs PS - That topic certainly would work well for a DS but it could be a part of a larger PS just as easily, if you prefer to write just one essay.

If you do decide to write a separate DS, you'll want it to function in a different way from your PS. For example, if your PS is businesslike and professional, your DS can be heartfelt and emotional. If your PS is thoughtful and reflective, your DS could be more political, or socio/historical.

The goal is to ensure that if one of the essays is a tear-jerker, or is in a riskier category in terms of content and tone, that the other essay offers balance to the reader. The DS should not be an extension of the PS, or the overflow from a too-long PS - it should be a stand-alone topic that communicates something fundamentally different about your character.

Best of luck, this topic should serve you well.

[ToadToad]

Thanks a lot for your input. I'm still undecided on whether to trim it down and make it into a separate diversity statement. I'll probably sit down tomorrow evening and rack my brain for possibly a better topic for my personal statement. In the mean time though, would you mind providing a critique of what I have so far. As I mentioned before, it's just the first draft, so I'll likely be making many changes between now and when I apply. But any advice you all might have would be appreciated.

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[debdeb2]

This is a solid draft. I would recommend starting the essay with something like: "My host-mother Huda is an amazing cook. I'd been in Morrocco X days, and as I adapted to ABC I realized I looked most forward to the dinner table, etc etc more content. THEN come back and in one sentence say "I was participating in an immersion course blah blah."

This creates a friendly, homey opening - it lets the reader come in and sit down and experience the dinner table with you, albeit briefly. The warm atmosphere counterbalances the discomfort of learning to speak Arabic and communicate very real cultural differences. If you can find a place to slide in a word or two of Arabic to further develop the setting, all the better. Y'know, habibi it up.

Promising start, and I don't necessarily see a reason to do a separate diversity statement - I'd keep all of this narrative woven together -

[Scalvert]

I really enjoyed reading this. It has a very natural storytelling feel to it. I think your decision to use it as a PS rather than DS was absolutely the right choice.

[CanadianWolf]

Solid PS. My only concern was your use of the word "needlessly" in the second paragraph. This leads the reader into another area which you fail to address. (I became more interested in that issue than in your PS.) A better word might be "clearly".

[ToadToad]

Thanks a lot, guys. I think I'll follow your advice and keep it as my PS, with a few changes here and there. I appreciate your help.