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[badgerboy17]

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[urbanist11]

Post removed.

[benwyatt]

Post removed.

[cdotson2]

Law schools know diversity is a good thing, it's why they want you to write a diversity statement.

+1 this isn't a space on your application to write about why affirmative action should exist, its about who you are, and how you are different.

[RamboDaPirate]

I think it's really well written, and the grammar is actually pretty good. There is a line in there about not being the only brown guy. I would expand on that more, don't just make the importance of diversity the center piece.

[rnoodles]

I felt like I had to awkwardly pause due to the comma placement as I read the first sentence. I will also very likely know everything stated in your first sentence from reviewing your demographic and education info on your app. Don't risk awkward pauses and redundancy right off the bat when you write an optional essay. (Sorry if this comes off as harsh, OP. I don't intend to do so, and I hope all goes swimmingly during your cycle! )

[badgerboy17]

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[smile0751]

How's this for some improvement?

I am a Puerto Rican male studying Biology at The University of Wisconsin. I am a dual citizen of the United States and Canada, and have lived in three different states throughout my childhood: California, Michigan, and Wisconsin. Some of these characteristics have contributed to my diverse perspectives; but none of them, in and of themselves, truly benefits diversity. Diversity must be more than the number of pieces on a pie chart or boxes checked on a form. In my experience, for diversity to be valuable, it must be dynamic: a process of actively encouraging the exchange of cultures, beliefs, ideas, and experiences between people. I believe I will help diversify your upcoming class of 2019 not just because of these aforementioned traits, but because I have learned to engage others of various backgrounds, and to mobilize differences to further the academic and social education of myself, student peers, and any other people I might come into contact with.

Before university, throughout my youth and childhood, I attended all private schools in the various states I lived in. I was one of the few minorities in these majorly white schools, and while that afforded me the chance to fit in more with regular society, it also took away from sharing what made me unique, and who I was culturally. I never felt that I could easily share my own culture with anyone that’s part of the mainstream one. This was most likely due to me fearing that I would appear strange or different compared to the norm population. Consequently, the reason I was different from everyone else was only attributed to just my skin color, rather than to my cultural upbringing as well. Diversity became more than just a color and catch phrase to me the day I walked into the Biology Department at the University of Wisconsin. I was suddenly no longer in the minority; a Puerto Rican surrounded by other shades of brown, no longer easily discernible among my other white classmates. I no longer felt that I had to hide my culture and upbringing from everyone else, in fear of judgment. For the first time in my life, I was able to share my own unique experiences and cultural background with other people who were in a similar niche as me. We discussed and collaborated on class outlines in order to succeed in our various demanding STEM classes like Organic Chemistry, Calculus, and Microbiology. When we weren't scrutinizing over class notes, some other students and I enjoyed going to the terrace on Lake Mendota and unwinding over some live music and drinks, sharing our various pastimes with each other. I also met someone that enjoyed playing soccer like me, and we even shared the same favorite club team as well. Together, we joined an indoor competitive FUTSAL league, and bonded over spirited weekly games with each other. It was through interacting with these students inside and outside of the classroom, sharing our personal experiences, that enabled me to grow both academically and socially. I will carry what I have learned through these experiences with me throughout my entire life and academic career. I bring these experiences, coupled along with my other characteristics, in order to continue to engage and benefit the diversity of the student body at XXX Law School.

I think it's well written, but every time I read the essay, I get the feeling that something seems off. I think the reason for this feeling is a misconnect between what you say in the first and second paragraphs.

Your "thesis" in the first paragraph is: "I believe I will help diversify your upcoming class of 2019 not just because of these aforementioned traits, but because I have learned to engage others of various backgrounds, and to mobilize differences to further the academic and social education of myself, student peers, and any other people I might come into contact with."

However, in the second paragraph you discuss how 1) you've interacted with white people and didn't feel fully comfortable in that environment (and you changed yourself to fit in, so the tension was minimized), and 2) how in college you met people similar to you and you sharer your cultural upbringing with these new friends (my understanding from my reading is that these "brown" people were already similar in culture to you). So how do these two examples prove your thesis statement? How have you learned to engage VARIOUS backgrounds or mobilize differences to further social education of your peers/others?

Maybe I'm mistaken, since no one else so far has mentioned this. But that's the first thing I thought, and it made the whole essay lose credibility for me.

[barley]

This is definitely a lot better than the version you posted a while back, so good job! But, I still think there's a lot of room for improvement.

Beyond some grammatical mistakes/awkward sentences and phrasing, I still don't really see how you contribute to diversity. This might be echoing what others have said, but the statement basically a) tells them what they already know about diversity and, b) tells them that you're ONLY comfortable around people similar to you. You say that that's not the case in the first paragraph, but everything you show us is exactly contrary to that. To me, it sounds like you are comfortable sharing your culture with other minorities but not with white people. Show me that that's not the case! And in addition to sharing your own culture, how have you embraced other cultures?

Good luck!

[badgerboy17]

How're these corrections to those parts?

Before university, throughout my youth and childhood, I attended all private schools in the various states I lived in. I was one of the few minorities in these majorly white schools, and while that afforded me the chance to absorb more of regular American society and its customs, it also took away from sharing who I was culturally on a deeper level. I wasn’t able to really connect with anyone on a cultural basis, most likely due to them not coming from a different background like me. While I made friends, and made long-lasting connections with some, I never met someone from an unusual background like me. Thus, while I grew socially and academically, I lacked the cultural growth one acquires by experiencing many diverse cultures. The only reason anyone else found me different was attributed to just my skin color, rather than to my cultural upbringing as well.

Diversity became more than just a color and catch phrase to me the day I walked into the Biology Department at the University of Wisconsin. I was suddenly no longer in the minority; a Puerto Rican surrounded by shades of brown, black, and white, no longer easily discernible among my other classmates. I no longer felt that I was constrained from sharing my culture and upbringing with anyone else, due to both of us now having different stories to tell than anyone else. For the first time in my life, I was able to share my own unique experiences and cultural background with other people who were in a similar niche as me. We discussed and collaborated on class outlines in order to succeed in our various demanding STEM classes like Organic Chemistry, Calculus, and Microbiology. When we weren’t scrutinizing over class notes, some classmates and I enjoyed going to the terrace on Lake Mendota and unwinding over some live music and drinks, sharing our different backgrounds and childhoods with each other. I also met someone that shared my interest in playing soccer, and found out we even shared the same favorite club team. We joined a recreational league and he taught me all there is to know about soccer in the Central Americas, like how deeply embedded it is in their culture. I learned about the various chants people have for their favorite team, and how they stem from the team’s roots in their nation. It was through interacting with these students inside and outside of the classroom, sharing our personal experiences, that enabled me to grow more culturally, as well as academically and socially. I will carry what I have learned through these experiences with me throughout my entire life and academic career. I bring these experiences, coupled along with my other characteristics, in order to continue to engage and benefit the diversity of the student body at XXX Law School.