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benwyatt

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Scalvert

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Re: Personal Statement Draft - Please Critique

Post by Scalvert » Wed Jul 22, 2015 2:14 pm

Would the questions in the first sentence require question marks? (tbh, I'm not sure since you're just offering them as examples and not really asking questions). In the second sentence, I think it might be better to say "A man from.......had come, as one always did...." (Unless it was the same man every time). I saw a few introductory phrases that might need commas and also a couple of commas that were placed after (instead of before) conjunctions. Also you might reword the sentence about the biscuits. Right now, it sounds a little like Hardee's is being made edible with condiments, lol.

Other than that and a few comma issues, I think it looks great!

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shump92

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Re: Personal Statement Draft - Please Critique

Post by shump92 » Wed Jul 22, 2015 3:02 pm

I think content-wise you have everything here. Grammatically, you have too many long sentences. I do that too, but you should try to be more concise with your points when possible. I also don't know if the paragraph where you laud your own accomplishments is so great to have. Especially when you say things like "only 7 semesters". I really liked most of the essay, but got the "look at me" feeling throughout that paragraph, which is so close to the end and therefore important. Think about how much you want to say in the PS vs. simply letting the adcomms notice those accomplishments from your transcript/resume/LSAT.

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benwyatt

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Re: Personal Statement Draft - Please Critique

Post by Philafaler » Wed Jul 22, 2015 3:20 pm

I liked it.

Agree with everything the above posters said, especially with the comment that there begins to be a "look at me" feeling.

I also really did not like the closing sentence. I understand that you tried to echo the close of the first paragraph and that it's a major theme, but the contrast between the intense poignance of a child's literal hunger and the almost cocky response to the metaphorical question made me really, really uncomfortable. Of course, you're the writer, and it's ultimately entirely up to you.

Overall, great job. Check those commas, and check whether you should be using the subjunctive with a few of those "if" clauses.

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shump92

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Re: Personal Statement Draft - Please Critique

Post by shump92 » Wed Jul 22, 2015 5:50 pm

benwyatt wrote:
shump92 wrote:I think content-wise you have everything here. Grammatically, you have too many long sentences. I do that too, but you should try to be more concise with your points when possible. I also don't know if the paragraph where you laud your own accomplishments is so great to have. Especially when you say things like "only 7 semesters". I really liked most of the essay, but got the "look at me" feeling throughout that paragraph, which is so close to the end and therefore important. Think about how much you want to say in the PS vs. simply letting the adcomms notice those accomplishments from your transcript/resume/LSAT.
Long sentences are definitely something I'm working to correct in my writing. In the paragraph where I talk about some of my accomplishments it was meant to show how many times the overall "hunger" theme has influenced my life. I was a little worried that it would seem braggy, but I was trying to err more on the "Look what I did despite being dealt a shit hand" rather than the "Feel bad for me, I had it so hard" vibe. Do you have any ideas on how to fix that?
I think the easiest thing would be to not have your "hunger" be the only narrative because I do not think it is. That is where you come from, but your implicit focus is on your determination. I don't think you need to list all of your big accomplishments. Maybe just focus on a couple of notable events or accomplishments and explain them, this draft just listed them. It seems like you know how to do edits well after having comments, so just keep what has been said in mind and I'm sure the next draft will be better on those fronts.

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NL2424

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Re: Personal Statement Draft - Please Critique

Post by NL2424 » Thu Jul 23, 2015 5:14 pm

These are all my opinions and I'm just going off of what I've read in various articles and TLS posts so keep that in mind:
I think you should keep the hungry thing to the first paragraph. Have it be a jump off point and where you went from there. As far as your accomplishments before college- ditch them. Adcoms don't care how many AP classes you took. I see the theme you're pointing out, but I think mentioning the 15th in class thing would show them where your hunger led you in high school. Lastly, I kind of got a "I'm hungry and want more and law school is the only thing I think of doing right now" vibe, which is something adcoms dislike... It gives the vibe that you would do well in law school and afterwards, because you have drive, but it's missing passion.

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benwyatt

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NL2424

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Re: Personal Statement Draft - Please Critique

Post by NL2424 » Thu Jul 23, 2015 5:41 pm

benwyatt wrote:
NL2424 wrote:These are all my opinions and I'm just going off of what I've read in various articles and TLS posts so keep that in mind:
I think you should keep the hungry thing to the first paragraph. Have it be a jump off point and where you went from there. As far as your accomplishments before college- ditch them. Adcoms don't care how many AP classes you took. I see the theme you're pointing out, but I think mentioning the 15th in class thing would show them where your hunger led you in high school. Lastly, I kind of got a "I'm hungry and want more and law school is the only thing I think of doing right now" vibe, which is something adcoms dislike... It gives the vibe that you would do well in law school and afterwards, because you have drive, but it's missing passion.
I definitely see what you mean re: high school stuff. I was already considering taking it out.

I don't want to ditch the hunger theme after the first paragraph because I think at least returning to it somehow in the lat paragraph stitches everything together nicely, but I'll take your feedback and try to add a little more "why law" to it.
I mean only take my advice if it makes sense to you. This is your PS you know what describes you best!

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