Please help with my personal statement!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Please help with my personal statement!!!

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Jun 13, 2015 8:08 pm

Thank you for all the help with my statement!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sun Jun 14, 2015 8:55 am, edited 2 times in total.

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LawsRUs
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Re: Please help with my personal statement!!!

Postby LawsRUs » Sat Jun 13, 2015 9:10 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Hello All,

I am in need of help with my personal statement. I want to get into a T14, and am in need of help with the personal statement. I am not sure if I have been to "personal" or if this is okay. Also I need help with grammar and formatting. Any help would be appreciated.

My initial realization that I wanted to become a lawyer came late in life, although reflecting back on my life, I see that I have always been in preparation to becoming a great attorney. <--Run on sentenceI was watching a documentary I would name the documentaryon Netflix That it was on Netflix isn't a necessary detailabout a battered woman named Deborah Peagler, who was incarcerated for 26 years for her involvement in the murder of her husband. The documentary inspired me so much I began to cry, and at that moment, I realized I had been doing the wrong career for all these years.
At an early age commaI was introduced to the legal system. I grew up with parents that whowere both addicted to alcohol and drugs. I was six years old when my mom I would substitute "mom" for "mother"was first incarcerated for a period of 18 months. I said first, because this pattern of behavior continued until I was almost 17 years old. My mom would go to prison stay for a period of time, get out and return to using drugs and return back to prison. I felt really alone during the times my mother was incarcerated. It was painful to watch her and my father kill them self<--reword, I felt abandoned and unwanted. I somehow blamed myself for their drug use, like maybe it was something I was or was not doing that would cause them to do drugs and if I could figure it out they would eventually stop, but after years of them using I realized that wasn’t the case. Run-onAs a result of their drug usecomma we moved from state to state due to my parents drug addiction. We would live in homeless shelters and sleep in cars many times. I remember vividly the most embarrassing times we slept in a car, no commawas in the back lot of an apartment complex friends of mine lived in Better: where my friends lived. I was terrified that they would look out and see my father and I sleeping in the car, I was so embarrassed. Run-on sentence; I think you can take the last sentence out.
A lot of people are very shocked to hear that I only recently received my GED in 2010, although I held jobs making 50,000 dollars per year at the time I did not even have a high school diploma I would break this sentence into multiple sentences. I dropped out of school in the ninth grade. Consider adding: "However, I believed" I always was smart though, "though" is too colloquial. I can figure anything out when it wasput in front of me, and I have always been good with computers in what ways? programming?although I did not have any formal training. I went to some community colleges in the city I was born in delete "in", took some classes through the ability to benefit program, and before long I had over 30 credits and high school transcripts were no longer required. I started working at various companies and would always be promoted quickly once hired due to my ability to catch on quick and multi task. Eventually I realized I had a desire to become a nurse so I applied to a Licensed Practical Nursing program at Fortis College during the admission process I was told that I had to send in my high school transcript or GED within three weeks. I was totally panicked since I knew I had never actually graduated or got my GED so I went and signed up to take the test, without preparing I took the test and to my surprise I passed and was able to start the LPN program too many ideas in one sentence. I completed the program and started working as a nurse, I eventually went back to school for the Registered Nursing completion program. Think about how your background and work experience in nursing can help in contributing to the law school/legal communities
Through perseverance and determination, I have been able to overcome obstacles in my life. I am living proof of this, with the life that I lived I could have easily given up, but I am proud that I never did. I have continued through my life to strive for excellence and keep persevering. From these roadblocks, I determined that environment and options do not limit the places in life that one can go, yes, they make them harder to attain, but that is what sets me apart. It is easy for someone who was given everything, but the ones who have to work for it are the ones who appreciate it the most.. No, matter what I am determined and destined to become a great attorney.
I think you can rewrite to make your first and last paragraphs better. Keep rewriting. Keep editing.

Let me know if you need me to unquote your statement.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please help with my personal statement!!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Jun 13, 2015 9:21 pm

Your law school personal statement is very effective in getting readers to know you & to like you. There are grammatical errors & some sentences need to be more concise. The introductory paragraph needs to be revised. The error that affects your credibility, however, is near the end of your statement--"It is easy for someone who was given everything...". How do you know this ? Why is this relevant to your struggles & to your successes ? Consider deleting this sentence & this thought from your writing.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please help with my personal statement!!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Jun 13, 2015 9:43 pm

I'm going to edit your statement. It won't be perfect & polished because the raw emotions as shared in your original draft are, in my opinion, very effective in getting the reader to know you, to understand you & to like you. And these are the goals of one's law school personal statement.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please help with my personal statement!!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Jun 13, 2015 10:00 pm

My initial realization that I wanted to become a lawyer came late in life. Reflecting back, I see that I have always been in preparation to become an attorney.

At an early age, I was introduced to the legal system. I grew up with parents who were both addicted to drugs and alcohol. I was six years old when my mom was first incarcerated. She was gone for 18 months. I said first because her pattern of behavior resulted in multiple stays in prison throughout my seventeenth birthday. My mom would go to prison, get out, resume using drugs and return to prison. I felt really alone during the times that my mother was incarcerated. It was painful to watch her and my father slowly kill themselves. I felt abandoned and unwanted. For reasons that I failed to understand as a child, I blamed myself for their drug use. Maybe it was something that I did, or maybe it was something that I didn't do, that caused them to use drugs, and, if I could figure this out, then they would stop. But, after years of torment and confusion, I realized that that was not the case. I could no longer accept the blame and the responsibility for my parents' addiction. I was a child, not their parent.

We moved from state to state due to my parents' drug addiction. We lived in homeless shelters and, often, we slept in cars. I remember vividly the most embarrassing time that we slept in a car. It was in the back lot of an apartment complex where my friends lived. I was terrified that they would look out and see my father and me sleeping in the car; I was so embarrassed.

A lot of people were shocked to learn that I had only recently earned my GED even though I held jobs that paid $50,000 per year. I dropped out of high school in the ninth grade. I was smart enough to teach myself what I needed to know in order to succeed. I took courses at community colleges in the city where I was born. After earning 30 credits, high school transcripts were no longer required for job applications. I was able to work at various companies, quickly earning promotions due to my ability as a quick learner, my reliability, my dedication and my willingness to multi-task.

Eventually I wanted to become a nurse. I applied to a licensed practical nurse (LPN) program at Fortis College. Entrance to the program required a high school degree or a general equivalency degree (GED). I panicked because I had only 3 weeks in which to produce my qualifying degree. Without any preparation, I took and passed the GED examination. I became a LPN, worked as a nurse and eventually went back to school to earn my RN (registered nurse) designation.

Through perseverance, determination and necessity, I have overcome obstacles in my life. I could have easily given up, but I never did. I am a survivor. I continue to persevere and to strive for excellence. Life's roadblocks are hurdles, not limits. I am going to become an attorney.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Sun Jun 14, 2015 1:03 pm, edited 6 times in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Please help with my personal statement!!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Jun 13, 2015 10:29 pm

I'm skipping a paragraph. I'll come back in a few minutes. Here my interpretation of your final paragraph:

Through persistance, determination and necessity, I have overcome obstacles in my life. I am a survivor. I could have easily given up, but I never did. I continue to persevere and to strive for excellence. Life's roadblocks are hurdles, not limits. I am going to become an attorney.

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LawsRUs
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Re: Please help with my personal statement!!!

Postby LawsRUs » Sat Jun 13, 2015 10:41 pm

:shock: so generous

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please help with my personal statement!!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Jun 14, 2015 12:35 pm

Thank you.

OP: The editing is complete. I hope this helps.




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