Personal Statement Critique Plz

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
patentor
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Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby patentor » Sun May 24, 2015 12:35 pm

Hi everyone,
I want you guys to take a look at my PS and let me know if I need to add or remove something. English is not my first language so try to pointout if there are any grammatical errors and also let me know if this is the right theme or angle to approach from. I am not a very good writer, so please help me through.Thanks.

Undergrad: 2.92
Grad: 3.5
LSAT: Not taken yet.
Schools Applying: GWU, GMU, UH, SMU, WUSL, AU.

Personal Statement:


Deleted
Last edited by patentor on Tue May 26, 2015 5:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun May 24, 2015 2:18 pm

Is this your own work product ? I ask because, although you claim not to be a good writer, this piece is well written & well structured. There are, however, several minor errors--most involve missing or misused articles, or using singular nouns instead of plural.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Sun May 24, 2015 5:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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LawsRUs
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby LawsRUs » Sun May 24, 2015 4:07 pm

Edited to delete. GL OP
Last edited by LawsRUs on Tue May 26, 2015 5:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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LawsRUs
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby LawsRUs » Sun May 24, 2015 5:10 pm

Edited to delete
Last edited by LawsRUs on Tue May 26, 2015 5:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

patentor
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby patentor » Sun May 24, 2015 5:16 pm

So do you think should I delete the whole first para?

I was actually trying to narrate in a way of story. What about the para is corny?
What do you think about the whole theme of the PS, does it sound more autobiographical? Thanks a lot for your feedback.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun May 24, 2015 5:25 pm

Consider modifying the final sentence to :

Therefore, I am seeking a career where I can apply my experience at the patent office while being constantly challenged to learn in order to contribute in fashioning legal solutions to intellectual property law issues.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Sun May 24, 2015 5:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

patentor
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby patentor » Sun May 24, 2015 5:25 pm

Thanks everyone. How can I make it more evident? The message that I want to convey is that America's intellectual property system plays a big role in America's leadership in innovation.... but I had not understood that until I came to US Patent & Trademark Office. May be I am not a native english speaker thats why I am having problems with explaining it.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun May 24, 2015 5:26 pm

In my opinion, your first paragraph is essential as it sets out your theme.

Overall, this is an excellent & effective law school personal statement. The theme is clear & the structure is fluid & logical.

Add "the" before University of South Carolina.

patentor
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby patentor » Sun May 24, 2015 5:54 pm

Thanks for your feedback @Canadianwolf.

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LawsRUs
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby LawsRUs » Mon May 25, 2015 1:33 am

Edited to delete
Last edited by LawsRUs on Tue May 26, 2015 5:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

patentor
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby patentor » Mon May 25, 2015 2:36 pm

LawsRUs wrote:Comments in blue.
patentor wrote:-----------------------
.
Last edited by patentor on Mon May 25, 2015 4:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

patentor
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby patentor » Mon May 25, 2015 4:55 pm

LawsRUs wrote:Comments in blue.
patentor wrote:-----------------------
First para is fine. I think the reason why my first impression of it was not positive was because the rest of your statement is so well written / much more interesting. Tbh I didn't believe it. Did a NYC taxi driver really say that? (If s/he did, probably the nicest driver.) Did you tell her/him that you were returning, and s/he said it?; or did the driver assume you were a foreigner? Also, I didn't believe that that was the thoughts that were running through you when you returned after fourteen years. (This is only one person's reading though. Others will be more generous in their reading.)

Overall, great job. Passion and maturity show through. I would caution that at certain times, I felt as though you were listing what you would have on your resume (referring to your responsibilities at the patent office). If you have them on your resume, you don't need them here.

Reading your statement out loud will help in catching articles that are missing.

OP, great job. I would also recommend applying to more schools.

I'll unquote your essay in a week if you don't pm me earlier.

Good job, and good luck.




Thanks a lot for your feedback it is really helpful. I have a few questions, you said "I didn't believe that that was the thoughts that were running through you....(This is only one person's reading though. Others will be more generous in their reading.)", are you saying that the scenario that I have pictured, looks unreal? and people who read it would find it hard to believe it? if that is the case, should I still keep it or take it out or how could I make it more realistic?

Second thing, I think you are right about whatever I have written about my patent office responsibilities it sounds like taken from my resume. Although I do have some of it in my resume, not all of it, but if I take that out I have nothing to talk about in my PS, that is the substantial part of my PS. Do you think it would be a good idea to talk very briefly about my responsibilities in my resume and let the PS remain as it is.

Last question, what about the length of my PS, I have read online that it should be more than what I have. Do you think should I add more in it. I am working on the walkie talkie part as you had suggested but that would just one or two lines.

I didn't understand what you meant by unquoting my essay in a week?

Again thanks a lot for helping me out.

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LawsRUs
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby LawsRUs » Mon May 25, 2015 6:03 pm

Edited to delete
Last edited by LawsRUs on Tue May 26, 2015 5:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon May 25, 2015 6:07 pm

OP: Opinions vary. Mine is a bit different regarding the above critique.

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LawsRUs
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby LawsRUs » Mon May 25, 2015 6:22 pm

Edited to delete
Last edited by LawsRUs on Tue May 26, 2015 6:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

patentor
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby patentor » Mon May 25, 2015 6:43 pm

LawsRUs wrote:[A]re you saying that the scenario that I have pictured, looks unreal?
From the fact that you were returning after 14 years combined with that you just got off a flight that was at minimum 19 hours, I was having doubts that you really did have a moment where you were thinking about how "America's intellectual property system plays a big role in America's leadership in innovation." I got the sense that you brought the taxi driver in because you were looking for a beginning. It can be fixed easily though (see below). But I'm sure AOs will give you the benefit of the doubt.

and people who read it would find it hard to believe it?
I think they will believe you.

should I still keep it or take it out or how could I make it more realistic?
A. Keep it.
B. You need a bit more backstory, the context in which the driver said it. I thought about this, and there's an easy fix--
"Welcome back to America, one of the greatest countries in the world," said the taxi driver at the airport.
"Welcome back to America, one of the greatest countries in the world," said the taxi driver at the airport after I told him...


Second thing, I think you are right about whatever I have written about my patent office responsibilities it sounds like taken from my resume. Although I do have some of it in my resume, not all of it, but if I take that out I have nothing to talk about in my PS, that is the substantial part of my PS. Do you think it would be a good idea to talk very briefly about my responsibilities in my resume and let the PS remain as it is.
1. I think you should not talk very briefly about your responsibilities in your resume.
2. Try giving specific instances and anecdotes in your PS that capture and portray those responsibilities. You might have to rewrite that paragraph several times (see reference below).


Last question, what about the length of my PS, I have read online that it should be more than what I have. Do you think should I add more in it.
The length was fine. Like yours, mine was two pages.
But there were parts in your essay where I thought you could have expanded.
- "My research work on designing efficient bandpass filters was proved as a significant landmark in my professor’s project." :arrow: How? In what respects? I think one of the beauties of your statement is that the AO who is reading this might have no clue what you know.
- "Soon after graduation, I was exposed to intellectual property law by my old lab mate who was working as a technology specialist in a law firm. I had some interviews with patent examiners and attorneys practicing intellectual property law to decide if I should pursue a career in the area of intellectual property." :arrow: Was interested in what some of those conversations sounded like.


I didn't understand what you meant by unquoting my essay in a week?
I quoted you in my posts. I'll edit my posts to delete them so you don't have your PS on a TLS forum for when you apply next cycle.


For your reference: https://www.law.berkeley.edu/admissions ... nd-resume/


Thanks a lot, this is really helpful and good suggestions. I agree there are a few gaps that I need to fill and this was a first draft, hopefully I'll get this fixed.

You guys are great!

patentor
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby patentor » Tue May 26, 2015 5:44 pm

LawsRUs wrote:
I'll unquote your essay in a week if you don't pm me earlier.



In order to completely remove my PS from this forum, what do I need to do. I have deleted my PS and you can go ahead and unquote me. Is there anything else I need to do? I tried to find an option for deleting the thread, couldn't find one.

Lastly, @LawRUs and @Canadian_Wolf, if I have any questions or doubts, would you guys be ok if I send you a Private message?

Again thanks for your inputs.

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LawsRUs
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby LawsRUs » Tue May 26, 2015 5:50 pm

Sure, @patentor, I'm willing to read your later drafts.

Impressive work for a first draft

eta: I would go ahead and delete the rest of your posts itt.

patentor
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby patentor » Tue May 26, 2015 7:03 pm

Thanks.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement Critique Plz

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue May 26, 2015 7:04 pm

Sure you can PM me with any future drafts or questions. I need to note that Laws'RUs & I view your initial PS very differently. For example, the aspects that Laws'RUs sees as weaknesses, I see as strengths. It is difficult, and probably unwise, to deal with two or more different editors on the same piece.
Examples: I would not add the word "back" in the initial paragraph (how would the taxi driver know that you returned to your birthplace for 14 years?) & I would not expound upon intricacies that are likely to lose the reader's interest & disrupt the flow of your theme.
Opinions vary. Neither is right or wrong, but mixing the two can produce a poor result.




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