Anyone mind critiquing my Personal Statement?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Anyone mind critiquing my Personal Statement?

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Apr 21, 2015 8:46 pm

When I was fourteen years old, I picked up a book called The Dreams of Ada. The book chronicles the real life arrest, conviction, and death sentencing of two men, Tommy Ward and Karl Fontenot, for the 1984 murder of a convenience store clerk in the small town of Ada, Oklahoma. Plagued by inconsistencies and brutally forced confessions, the prosecution’s case that led to their conviction has come under intense fire over the years. The book details raft irregularities in the state’s case and describes how the innocent are all too often intolerably wronged by the justice system.

This case and many others like it have been a large part of what has motivated my life and driven my unremitting interest to dedicate it to law practice. I grew up in a small Oklahoma town in the rural Ozarks, not far from Ada, and coming from a lower-working class family, I knew that getting an opportunity to serve others through law would be an accomplishment.

My father was a small town grocery store worker for much of my life, and I can recall, as a child, the long hours he would work in an effort to provide me a path forward. My mother was a public school librarian, and has worked at the local school system for nearly 40 years now. It was in her library that I picked up The Dreams of Ada, and something struck me deeply about it. Somehow reading about a single injustice in a small town so close by can have a powerful effect. I could see that the justice system, even where I lived, was a place where I could dedicate myself to serving a higher purpose, by intervening when cases like the one in Ada happened.
During my high school years, I spent time volunteering at a state park where my father had begun working, and eventually working the concession at a local movie theater. I wanted to progress, further than what my high school was offering, and I began attending a community college during my junior year. Commuting from my small town, I had hopes of completing college efficiently and pursing my dream of law school. I also knew that completing my undergrad in three years would be a substantial relief on my parents, and I felt obligated.

I had the opportunity to attend University of Oklahoma following graduation and took it, but my college journey was never easy, not even from the beginning. I knew that I would need to work throughout my college experience, and I pursued a job with the local Police department. During my first semester, I can recall working night shifts until 4 a.m., securing campus buildings, getting up at 8 the morning to begin my classes.
Working to pay for college, alongside completing my classes each semester, helped to instill a deep sense of discipline within me. Moreover, in the end, it instilled in me a sense of empathy for other people, many of whom I know are less fortunate than I. The student-worker lifestyle, though demanding at times has helped prepare me for challenges I will face long after it has ended.


My drive to go to law school was never stronger than during my college years, and my passion to improve the justice system never more potent. After attending three years and two summers, the dream of completing my undergraduate degree is fulfilled, and I’m prepared to fulfill my aspirations for law school and a practice in the legal field. The discipline that was required for me to come from a family of working class parents and complete my undergraduate degree in three years came precisely from stories like the one in Ada. Stories of a justice system in need of practitioners who will take action when needed are precisely what have inspired me to attend law school and take action.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273479
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Anyone mind critiquing my Personal Statement?

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Apr 26, 2015 4:06 pm

bump

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Anyone mind critiquing my Personal Statement?

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Apr 26, 2015 4:24 pm

Too wordy at times. Too many adjectives. Doesn't really convey a sense of who you are.

P.S. What are "raft irregularities" ?

DELETE: "raft" & "intolerably" from the first paragraph.

DELETE: "unremitting" from paragraph 2.

DELETE: "now" after "40 years" in paragraph 3.

DELETE: "by intervening in cases like the one in ADA happened" in paragraph 3.

Paragraph 4: "where my father worked", not "where my father had begun working"

I'm going to stop here as your essay needs substantial revision from this point forward. Try to write in a more concise manner. Avoid unnecessary repetition.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Sun Apr 26, 2015 4:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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TheodoreKGB
Posts: 497
Joined: Sat Jul 13, 2013 3:46 pm

Re: Anyone mind critiquing my Personal Statement?

Postby TheodoreKGB » Sun Apr 26, 2015 4:36 pm

.
Last edited by TheodoreKGB on Wed Jun 03, 2015 12:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Anyone mind critiquing my Personal Statement?

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Apr 26, 2015 4:40 pm

I agree with the above post. My suggestions focused more on your writing style than on the substance of your text.




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