Applying Early decision. Please critique PS. Fold no punches

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
goddard24
Posts: 65
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2014 12:55 am

Applying Early decision. Please critique PS. Fold no punches

Postby goddard24 » Wed Apr 01, 2015 1:51 pm

Guys, so far I've had a great experience using this forum. I have recently edited my personal statement; any opinions/critiques is greatly appreciated. Looking to apply to the top 10 this year, so Im aiming to make this statement as clean as possible.
See below for my statement:


In 2007, my parents took my brother and I from our home in the Commonwealth of Dominica to Barbados, to complete the final stage of a nearly ten-year process. Prior to entering the United States as a permanent resident, it is required that one attends an interview at the nearest U.S. immigration office. Barbados, located two islands south of the Commonwealth of Dominica, was our destination. To date, my parents’ decision to immigrate to the United States has provided me with innumerable opportunities within life--a majority of which I have yet to realize. However, the moment that our eligibility to relocate was nearly denied, has ingrained within my perspective, the ability of U.S. legislature to transcend geographic borders to provide opportunities to improve one’s quality of life.

At the immigration office, the problem stemmed from the fact that on two of her identification documents, my mother incorrectly listed her middle name as her first. Upon noticing the differing names, the interviewing officer immediately halted our interview. Of course, the appearance of two different names upon immigration documents stood as a red flag to the officer. In her best attempt to clarify, my mother explained that this mistake resulted from habit--for most of her life she has been addressed by her middle name rather than her first. Nonetheless, it was abundantly clear that the officer was unconvinced, to the extent that my family and I were removed from the line to await the director of the department. After a period of what felt like forty-five minutes, in actuality only ten, the director approached, and bluntly explained that this mistake could have delayed our entrance to the United States at least another four years. Thankfully, upon speaking with my parents, and understanding the honesty of this mistake, he granted our clearance to immigrate. In July of 2008, we entered the United States as permanent residents.

My experience at the immigration office has remained in the background of my perspective, both as a student, and as an immigrant. I must attribute its longevity to the fact that it forced me to confront the reality that in some manner, my ability to achieve in life could be limited. This possibility collided with the concept that was echoed throughout my childhood, that I could do anything that I set my mind to. The contrast personalized the reality that there are others whose ability to contribute to society on a larger scale, is limited by nothing more than the opportunity to learn.

The concept of education has garnered a new meaning for me, specifically because it is the only tool that I have at my disposal to improve my socioeconomic status. In my experience, entering a new country with limited funds, and a very small familial support system requires one to rely on their intellect, and a proof of such in order to progress. My parents provided the most impactful example; lacking the officiated document stating a major and a graduation date, their opportunities for employment were severely limited. Upon entering the United States, we transitioned from the middle, to the lower economic bracket--we qualified for low-income housing. However, there was a point to this transition, to create an opportunity for my brother and I that would allow us to achieve more in life than either of my parents. Being a direct beneficiary of an opportunity that someone else has created, has necessitated a period of self-reflection on my part. It is now my belief that by obtaining the means to improve the access to education on a global scale, I will be able contribute to the improvement of society in manner that will grant others the ability to continue to do so.

Initially, I entered college with the idea of becoming an attorney. I took the classes that centered upon legal topics, I attended the seminars, and originally thought I had a thorough understanding of the profession, and my reasons for pursuit. However, during my senior year of college, I became a citizen of the United States. The ‘outside looking in’ perspective that I once held began to dissipate. The conference of this status has cemented my understanding that my actions contribute to the functioning of society. I desire to study corporate legislation because it provides the knowledge required to effectively interact with the larger economic bodies of the state. I aim to employ these bodies to direct attention to the sectors of society that lack essential socio-economic amenities.

I believe that in order to institute, and to apply legislature, one must have an understanding of how it may impact even the smallest niches within society. Coming from a significantly smaller country has granted me the perspective of seeing the socioeconomic demarcations within society on a much more concentrated scale. It is by coupling this perspective with my experience within the U.S. as an immigrant, that I have gained a glimpse of the effect of legislative policies upon those in the lower economic brackets. I believe that this perspective will supply an understanding of society that will support, and improve class discussion at (INSERT SCHOOL NAME HERE).

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encore1101
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Re: Applying Early decision. Please critique PS. Fold no punches

Postby encore1101 » Wed Apr 01, 2015 2:04 pm

unquoted on OP's request
Last edited by encore1101 on Mon Jul 20, 2015 3:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

goddard24
Posts: 65
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2014 12:55 am

Re: Applying Early decision. Please critique PS. Fold no punches

Postby goddard24 » Fri Apr 03, 2015 9:31 pm

Really appreciate your feed back. I am currently vrefining my style of writing in my ps--a cleaner, straight forward means of expressing my ideas. In regards to 'corporate legisature,' i was referring to the field of corporate law. Hopefully my PS is not too boring.

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encore1101
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Re: Applying Early decision. Please critique PS. Fold no punches

Postby encore1101 » Sun Apr 05, 2015 12:35 pm

unquoted at op's request
Last edited by encore1101 on Mon Jul 20, 2015 3:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

goddard24
Posts: 65
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2014 12:55 am

Re: Applying Early decision. Please critique PS. Fold no punches

Postby goddard24 » Mon Apr 06, 2015 1:51 pm

Really appreciate you getting back to me. Im targeting corporate law because I see it providing me with the knowledge and legitimacy to interact with larger companies/economic bodies of the state in general. I think that one of underlying factors for numerous societal issues is funding and directing socieitie's attention to these areas. I think that an economic background and the platform of a large firm, will grant me the finance experience to begin obtaining funding.

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LawsRUs
Posts: 1970
Joined: Thu Jan 08, 2015 10:40 pm

Re: Applying Early decision. Please critique PS. Fold no punches

Postby LawsRUs » Mon Apr 20, 2015 5:53 am

goddard24 wrote:unquoted


This is a beautiful idea, and I thought that it was communicated in your PS.

Overall, I really liked it. It shows that you understand its larger implications. It also shows your maturity.

One suggestion that I would make is restructuring the last two paragraphs. I like this better:

unquoted

And the reason for that restructure is that
it was a bit distracting for me when you said
unquoted
because in that paragraph you were talking about what you've done in college that led you to this choice. I think the moment that you come to this realization should preface a new paragraph.

Also, you have this beautiful idea:
unquoted

I think this idea should come in again and appear at the end, saying how you realize that "To date, my parents’ decision to immigrate to the United States has provided me with innumerable opportunities within life--a majority of which I have yet to realize and how you now want others to achieve such opportunities. You say it in the essay, but recall it at the end to make it explicit. Say how your parents' immigration was in hindsight a gift to you to help you see these larger implications.

unquoted
Consider other ways of making it seem like a great deal of time was passing. Ways such as seeing other people getting approved while you were just sitting there, etc.

unquoted
I would take out the second comma.

unquoted
How about using the word "contradicted" instead of "collided?"

unquoted
I would tighten this sentence. Seems like it has two ideas in one sentence that deserve to stand on two separate sentences.

unquoted
The verb choice is too strong I think. If you take out the third comma, it would be a perfect sentence.

unquoted
I feel like I'm debating grammar and punctuation with you, but I would consider using a colon instead of a semi-colon in this sentence.

unquoted
If your family took advantage of low-income housing, I would make it explicit. The transition to a lower socio-economic class wasn't believable for me: Persuade us. Also, I'm being like an annoying punctuation police. No second comma.

unquoted/quote] Punctuation police says no comma.

unquoted
I would take out "Originally thought" and change it to
unquoted


^^ That's only one reader's suggestions. Again, I'm just inviting you consider these suggestions, you don't have to follow them by any means. It was a great read btw.

Also, OP, I hope that when you practice law, especially in corporate, you don't lose your original intention for wanting to go into law. 8)

pm me by 5/1 if you need me to unquote your essay.
Last edited by LawsRUs on Sat May 02, 2015 8:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Blueprint Ben
Posts: 195
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Re: Applying Early decision. Please critique PS. Fold no punches

Postby Blueprint Ben » Mon Apr 20, 2015 8:16 am

Small thing, but there are at least two places where you mistakenly used a subject pronoun instead of an object pronoun. In the very first sentence of the piece, "my brother and I" needs to be "my brother and me." The same thing happens with the same phrase in the middle of paragraph four. It seems trivial, but I guarantee it'll cause some adcom somewhere in the T14 to bite their collective tongue.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Applying Early decision. Please critique PS. Fold no punches

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Apr 20, 2015 9:18 am

Have you already submitted this personal statement ?

goddard24
Posts: 65
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2014 12:55 am

Re: Applying Early decision. Please critique PS. Fold no punches

Postby goddard24 » Mon Apr 20, 2015 1:33 pm

Guys, really appreciaate the feed back. To answer your question, no I have not yet submitted this statement. I have been drafting it for a while now. Really needed another set of eyes to catch the small details. Really appreciate all your feed back. Currently at work, so I had to make this post short!

goddard24
Posts: 65
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2014 12:55 am

Re: Applying Early decision. Please critique PS. Fold no punches

Postby goddard24 » Mon Jul 20, 2015 2:30 pm

All of your feed back was very helpful. Really appreciate all of your comments. One thing though, Can you all please make sure to unquote my personal statement. Thanks!




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