HELP!!!! I need someone to please review PS draft 1. PLEASE!

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texasaggie10
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HELP!!!! I need someone to please review PS draft 1. PLEASE!

Postby texasaggie10 » Wed Feb 11, 2015 10:00 am

DELETED
Last edited by texasaggie10 on Wed Feb 11, 2015 5:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ILoveYou
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Re: HELP!!!! I need someone to please review PS draft 1. PLEASE!

Postby ILoveYou » Wed Feb 11, 2015 1:19 pm

PM'd you.

mcleemz
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Re: HELP!!!! I need someone to please review PS draft 1. PLEASE!

Postby mcleemz » Wed Feb 11, 2015 1:36 pm

You have the makings of a good composition here, but it's rather scattershot. OK, first things first. The opening quote doesn't really edify anything that you proceed to write about. It's also a cliché, and it's not from anyone well-known. It doesn't do anything for this PS. Lose it.

It sounds like you have 3 areas of interest, which are all quite disparate--environmental, IP, and family law. Given your qualifications and unusual work history, I would emphasize IP/environmental, as you do in the 3rd graf, which is the best of this PS. Ditch the family law part; you've already made your case for "Why Law" and "What Kind Of Law," and your work experience reinforces it.

I don't think a messy divorce makes you especially familiar with the law, so I would omit all references to it. You already describe one tragedy with Hurricane Ike and this is piling on. Nonetheless, I think your desire to volunteer with women is worth mentioning, so perhaps a better place to mention being a victim of abuse is in the last paragraph, something like:

Furthermore, as a survivor of an abusive marriage, I hope to volunteer legal assistance to abused women whenever possible.

This passage is especially chaotic & should be consolidated (definitely delete anything underlined):

I remember when my acceptance letter came from Texas A&M University at Galveston. I actually cried with excitement. Two weeks after classes started, my new life and dreams were hit by Hurricane Ike. Not only did it destroy my belongings, it uprooted my life. Three weeks after the storm, I was transferred to College Station where I lived in a tiny travel trailer full of problems [what is a trailer full of problems???] and attended my classes wherever they had room. I still remember my government class in the Methodist church sanctuary. I moved five times that year, but I finished strong. I was biology major at the time, but this experience brought me to the environmental advisor who strongly encouraged environmental. I did not switch right away, but I ultimately graduated with a degree in Ocean and Coastal Resources (Environmental). This is where my curiosity in Environmental law began.


To something like this:

While my adolescent career success was rewarding, I was eager to begin my academic career. But two weeks into my studies at Texas A&M University at Galveston, Hurricane Ike uprooted my entire life. I transferred to College Station, where I lived out of a trailer and attended classes anywhere from church sanctuaries to _______. Being displaced by a natural disaster fueled my interest in the environment, leading me to major in Ocean and Coastal Resources and consider a career in environmental law.

You need to reconsider the purpose of this graf:

It was the terrifying sound of the engine exploding that helped me finally decide to act upon my dreams. I was on my way to a Political Action Committee meeting for BASF in New York City. It had seemed my entire life was exploding at the time. I was in a marriage that ended after seven months, because he was extremely mentally and physically abusive. I was currently in a divorce battle that had been ongoing for over a year due to a house I built prior to the marriage [this fact about the house is meaningless]. Throughout this process I have learned a lot about family law as well. That emergency landing of the airplane had me on another flight next to an attorney for the city of Houston. She told me about her divorce, overcoming the tragedy of having an office in one of the trade centers during 911, and her struggles to become the successful lawyer she is today.


Um...What engine exploding? This is a strong "cold open" to use at the very beginning of the PS, if you wanted to go that route, but here it comes out of nowhere and makes no sense. Furthermore, you don't really connect it to the emergency landing in an obvious way. And it wasn't the engine exploding, it was meeting a successful female lawyer role model on the next plane that made you finally decide. So emphasize THAT. Something like:

While en route to a political action committee meeting for BASF, my plane's engine exploded, forcing an emergency landing. As chance would have it, on the next flight I was seated next to a role model who would solidify my intent to practice law. Jane Lawyer (mention her actual name) is a Houston city attorney (get her correct job title) who has overcome similar obstacles (don't mention 9/11) to become a successful lawyer.

Did you stay in contact with her and develop a mentor relationship? I hope that's the case, and if so, definitely mention that. In fact, even if not, it's probably not too late to look her up and rekindle it. She'll probably remember you, and you can take the opportunity to ask questions, maybe visit her office, and turn that encounter into something that really affirms that you can and should be doing this, rather than "kismet" or an impetuous decision.

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texasaggie10
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Re: HELP!!!! I need someone to please review PS draft 1. PLEASE!

Postby texasaggie10 » Wed Feb 11, 2015 5:13 pm

Thank you so much mcleemz!

I pmed you!!




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