Diversity Statement Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
TedPhatana
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2014 4:59 pm

Diversity Statement Draft

Postby TedPhatana » Mon Jan 26, 2015 1:24 pm

Hi Everyone,

New Poster here, I was wondering if anyone could breaze over my Diversity Statement and let me know if I am saying someting I shouldn't or should be focusing on something else. Thanks guys

I am a second generation Laotian; my parents emigrated from Laos to the US to flee communism in the 1970s and hustled through working class jobs to support me. Laotian culture teaches you to respect your elders, regardless of economic status or type of employment. I apply this lesson when I meet someone, whether they are older or not. Interesting effects of this principle are that I usually know as much about the janitorial staffs family as I do my co-workers and my manager. Since my parents taught me that you must always be helpful to strangers, I have become adept to perform actions like changing tires on the side of the road for random motorists or giving directions to someone that is from out of town.

My family was sponsored by Americans to come to the US. My parents, being thankful for our sponsors, enrolled me in Sunday school because our sponsors were Christian. I learned about Jesus Christ and his teachings, which inspire me to this day. Yet my parents were raised as Buddhists, so I also attended Saturday Buddhist rituals at the Temple where I would chant with the monks. Growing up as a Buddhist-Christian helped me to appreciate the different religions of the US and the value of ensuring I see the full picture before I make a decision.

I also understand that intelligence can be applied physically as well as mentally. I had a career as an amateur and sometimes professional boxer. You are a better boxer when you are calm, as opposed to boxing with anger; with a clear mind you can work your jab to measure your opponent and intelligently pick your power shots from a distance. The best boxers treat the sport as a physical game of chess and I have come to respect the sport for more than the punching aspect. This experience has made me cognizant of the talent and intellect others may possess, even if it’s not obvious on the surface.

Having grown up in a culture with less than 200,000 people in the US helps me appreciate the potential benefit I can add to American diversity. I am delighted to share the customs of the Laos people with whomever I run into, whether it’s introducing them to very spicy “Papaya Salad” created from my mother’s recipe, showing my neighbor how to position his hands while dancing to Lao folk music, or even teaching a coworker how to say hi and bye. The enjoyment I receive from opening the eyes of my fellow Americans to this beautiful heritage reminds me of why the US is known for its ability to absorb many cultures and the happiness to be gained from the respect and appreciation of that distinctiveness.

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ymmv
Posts: 12991
Joined: Mon Oct 21, 2013 1:36 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Draft

Postby ymmv » Mon Jan 26, 2015 1:26 pm

This reads more like a list of personal trivia than a focused statement of how you have been materially disadvantaged on account of a minority status.

TedPhatana
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2014 4:59 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Draft

Postby TedPhatana » Mon Jan 26, 2015 2:02 pm

Hi,

Thanks for the critique, I was hoping to give a more upbeat perspective on my diversity and what I could bring to the entering class that others wouldn't.

I need to think about what your saying and see if it's a direction I need to head down.

Thanks,

Teddy

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ymmv
Posts: 12991
Joined: Mon Oct 21, 2013 1:36 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Draft

Postby ymmv » Mon Jan 26, 2015 2:03 pm

Well, it should be "upbeat" in the sense of focusing on how you've overcome material disadvantage, but again I don't see that here at all.

TedPhatana
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2014 4:59 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Draft

Postby TedPhatana » Mon Jan 26, 2015 2:06 pm

I see what your saying, i'll work on that into my next draft.

Thanks,

Teddy

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Atmosphere
Posts: 489
Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2014 7:34 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Draft

Postby Atmosphere » Mon Jan 26, 2015 2:13 pm

come check out the sample DS's in the URM forum, redraft and I'm sure one of us would be willing to read over it for you

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Jan 26, 2015 2:44 pm

Not good, in my opinion. Poor grammar & poor punctuation. Content is weak & disorganized. Your writing lacks a clear & consistent theme. Too much random rambling. Also, be careful how your state "truisms" (absolute statements). As a former boxer, I can assure you that many will disagree with your statement regarding boxing without anger. (Certainly any Mike Tyson fans would disagree.)

TedPhatana
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2014 4:59 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Draft

Postby TedPhatana » Mon Jan 26, 2015 5:57 pm

Thanks folks, appreciate your options. I'll take them into consideration during edits, I got two weeks to get this in so I'll put some more time into it.

Thanks,

Teddy

TedPhatana
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2014 4:59 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Draft

Postby TedPhatana » Mon Jan 26, 2015 9:12 pm

Okay, first crack at an edit. Let me know your thoughts and don't hold back, I am an adult so I should be able to handl your critique.

I'll also post in the URM forum, watch out for that snow!

My Laotian name Patana means “What you wish for, you get” thankfully, besides unanswered attempts, I have taken away more than that from my ethnic background. Laotian culture teaches you to respect your elders, regardless of any type of status. I apply this universally; for example, at work, I usually know as much about the family background of the janitorial staff as I do with people I directly work with. Since my parents taught me to always be helpful to strangers, I have become an adept tire changer and car jumper for random motorists. I can also say “You can eat with your hands” confidently because sticky rice is the main food staple of Laos, and we eat more of it than anyone else in the world.

My family was sponsored by Christian to come to the US. Being thankful of our sponsors, my parents enrolled me in Sunday school where I learned about Jesus Christ and his teachings, which inspire me to this day. Yet my parents were raised as Buddhists, so I also attended Saturday Buddhist rituals at the Temple where I would chant with the monks. Growing up as a Buddhist-Christian helped me to appreciate the different religions of the US and fostered self-awareness by allowing me to find my own life-enriching value in each of those two religions.

I also understand that intelligence can be applied physically as well as mentally. I had a career as an amateur and sometimes professional boxer. In my opinion, you’re a better boxer when you are calm, as opposed to boxing with anger; with a clear mind you can work your jab to measure your opponent and intelligently pick power shots from a distance. The best boxers treat the sport as a physical game of chess and I have come to respect the sport for more than the punching aspect. This experience has made me cognizant of the talent and intellect others may possess, even if it’s not obvious on the surface.

Having grown up in a culture with less than 250,000 people in the US helps me appreciate the value I can add to American diversity. I am delighted to share the customs of the Laos people with whomever I run into, whether it’s introducing them to a very spicy dish of “Papaya Salad” created from my mother’s recipe, showing my neighbor how to position his hands while dancing to Lao folk music, or even teaching a coworker some Laotian words. The enjoyment I receive from opening the eyes of my fellow Americans to this beautiful heritage reminds me of why the US is known for its ability to absorb many cultures and the happiness to be gained from the respect and appreciation of that distinctiveness.




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