PS Rough Draft - Trying to Send Out Apps by End of Weekend

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Anonymous User
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PS Rough Draft - Trying to Send Out Apps by End of Weekend

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Jan 23, 2015 7:23 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Jan 24, 2015 4:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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UOI4430
Posts: 182
Joined: Mon Oct 27, 2014 6:29 pm

Re: PS Rough Draft - Trying to Send Out Apps by End of Weekend

Postby UOI4430 » Sat Jan 24, 2015 4:38 pm

I really enjoyed your PS. I think that the narrative quality is excellent. However, your second to last paragraph could use some work.

"I quickly learned that working on behalf of the constituents in our district by navigating through strict legal regulations and writing persuasive letters to multiple government organizations paralleled law."
-- This sentence is confusing. You learned that working on behalf of constituents paralleled law?

"They needed me as a conduit for their needs, to navigate through the system, to fulfill their need."
-- Echooooooooo. You say "need" three times in one sentence.

"While each victory fueled my new passion, I often felt restricted by the government bureaucracy in helping individuals and I knew I needed further education to touch people in the way I wanted."
-- You change tenses in this sentence. Cut this into two sentences. "Each victory fueled my new passion, but I felt restricted..." "I knew I needed further education..."

Other than those sentences, I think this is excellent. Good luck!

Anonymous User
Posts: 273581
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: PS Rough Draft - Trying to Send Out Apps by End of Weekend

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Jan 24, 2015 6:02 pm

Thanks for the input!




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