Personal Statement Final Draft. Fold no punches. Please comm

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Personal Statement Final Draft. Fold no punches. Please comm

Postby goddard24 » Fri Jan 16, 2015 11:26 pm

My parent’s decision to immigrate to the United States has provided me with innumerable opportunities within life--majority of which I have yet to recognize. However, the moment that our eligibility to relocate was nearly denied, has provided me with an unremitting reminder of my responsibility to maximize each opportunity.

Prior to entering the United States as a permanent resident, it is required that one attends an interview at the nearest U.S. immigration office. Hailing from the country of the Commonwealth of Dominica, our interview was located in the country of Barbados. In 2007, my parents took my brother, and I to Barbados to complete the final stage of a nearly ten-year process.

During our interview, what initiated the officer’s suspicion was the fact that my mother incorrectly listed her middle name as her first name on two of her documents. Of course, the appearance of two different names upon immigration documents stood as a red flag to the interviewing officer. In the attempt to clarify, my mother explained that this mistake may have formed out of habit; due to the fact that for most of her life, she has been addressed by her middle name rather than her first. However, it was abundantly clear that the officer was unconvinced, to the extent that our family was removed from the line to await the director of the department. After a period of what felt like forty-five minutes, in actuality only ten, the director approached, and bluntly explained that this mistake could have delayed our entrance to the United States at least another four years. Thankfully, upon speaking with my parents, and understanding the honesty of this mistake, my family and I were granted clearance to immigrate. In July of 2008, my parents, brother, and I entered the United States as permanent residents.

I must admit that in no way can I attribute my desire to undergo a legal education to this singular event. I don’t think that any amount of stylistic writing on my part could convincingly do so. However, I must cite it as the event that instilled in me, an unrelenting interest in the ability of U.S. legislature, to extend beyond its geographic border to positively affect the course of my life. I entered college with this idea of becoming an attorney; I took the classes that centered upon legal topics, I attended the seminars, and initially thought I had a thorough understanding of the profession. Although, it was not until I took an internship at the Pickus & Landsberg general law office, that I gained a more holistic perspective on the career.

The opportunity to observe an attorney, probably the most fitting description of one’s duties as a legal intern, demonstrated to me two realities. Firstly, every individual wishing to pursue this career has a duty to uphold the moral standard of society. Secondly, this profession has the ability to interact with, and improve upon multiple sectors of society. The internship granted me the opportunity to “build” a case, through which I was able to internalize the aforementioned concepts. The supervising attorney handed me a case-folder, and instructed me to use the notes to find the applicable legislature. Within the file, I found photos of the injury sustained by an elderly woman who tripped over a raised piece of the sidewalk. I found myself unable to shake the thought that the lawsuit could either have a detrimental effect upon the town, or the individual's capabilities in life. The opportunity to interact with the application of legislature, and the consequences of legal action, has allowed me to develop the understanding that an attorney provides a guiding insight that facilitates the functioning of society. As a result, by pursuing a legal career, I will be accepting the responsibility to uphold a moral quality that would on some scale, maintain and aim to improve the functioning of society.

However, to paint myself as this strictly education focused, socially conscious individual would be a bit of an exaggeration. Instead, I am the individual who is grateful for the opportunity to continue his education within the U.S., and intends to make a positive impact within society through a legal career. I view a legal education as a tool that will grant me the ability to interact with, and understand the function of multiple sectors of society. As a result, I believe I will be better suited to contribute on a national scale. I am the individual who has had the experience of initially being considered middle-class, to qualifying for lower income housing, and from it, I have gained a deep respect for those in lower economic brackets.

Within this statement, I aim to express gratitude of having undergone this transition within society, as it has granted me a first hand view of the level of determination, and confidence that is required of anyone attempting to succeed in their goals. My parents have demonstrated this sentiment to me, as their goal was to provide an opportunity of education that was unavailable to them. Having immigrated at the age of sixteen, I was able to comprehend the difficulties faced by my parents as they searched for jobs, attempted to provide health care, and the day-to-day necessities for my brother and I. About a year later, my mother performed those duties as a divorced, single mother. Her example, while I am sure is not uncommon, has provided me with the most realistic example of the possibilities of determination, but also the necessity of a strong educational background. The almost cliché-like sentiment of having strong, exemplary parents is nearly inescapable as I write this statement, but through their example, specifically my mother’s, I now understand that everyone has limitations in life, however a self-imposed one should never be amongst those.

I seek to contribute to the education process at (INSERT SCHOOL NAME HERE) as much as I intend to gain from it. Coming from such a significantly smaller country has provided me the perspective of seeing the socioeconomic demarcations within society on a much more concentrated scale. It is by coupling this perspective with my experience within the U.S. as an immigrant, that I have gained a glimpse of the effect of legislative policies upon those in the lower economic brackets. I believe that in order to institute and apply legislature, one must have an understanding of how it may impact even the smallest niches within society. I believe that this perspective will supply an understanding of society that will support and improve class discussion.

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Re: Personal Statement Final Draft. Fold no punches. Please comm

Postby bretby » Sun Jan 18, 2015 3:50 pm

A few comments:

1. The emphasis seems more on your mother than on yourself - can you refocus it/reframe your story?
2. After the narrative about the immigration office experience, the essay becomes pretty cliched and vague. Can you speak more specifically about your interests/experiences? If you're going to go into "why law", I think that reasons that are real and meaningful would make more of an impact.
3. The essay needs to be proofed for idiomatic English.

Overall, though, good start.

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Re: Personal Statement Final Draft. Fold no punches. Please comm

Postby goddard24 » Sun Jan 18, 2015 7:36 pm

I definitely appreciate the feedback.

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Re: Personal Statement Final Draft. Fold no punches. Please comm

Postby keepsmiling1230 » Wed Jan 21, 2015 2:11 pm

My 2 cents:
1. make it concise.
How? read your PS to yourself and imagine that you need to pay every letter you wrote to send it out, which sentence will you delete? which sentences will you combine them into one?
2. More evidence.

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