Personal Statement First Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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RobertGolddust
Posts: 372
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2012 9:09 pm

Personal Statement First Draft

Postby RobertGolddust » Thu Jan 15, 2015 1:37 pm

Uhh
Last edited by RobertGolddust on Thu May 25, 2017 1:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

graciegold
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Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 11:45 pm

Re: Personal Statement First Draft

Postby graciegold » Thu Jan 15, 2015 2:04 pm

I really loved this. Your story is super interesting, first of all, and you do a good job of maintaining a balance between your impressive confidence and honest humanity. I especially loved the bit about the most improved student award...gold. Also, I liked that you gave yourself credit for working hard and motivating yourself when other people maybe weren't so supportive (your friends?), but also were very grateful to professors and your father.
Minor notes - maybe don't capitalize father, and if you're looking to cut it down (I don't know what the word count is), you could probably take out the description of the argument about Socrates.
I hope this works out for you! It sounds like you very much deserve it.

dolphinsareevil
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Joined: Mon Jan 12, 2015 5:51 pm

Re: Personal Statement First Draft

Postby dolphinsareevil » Thu Jan 15, 2015 5:18 pm

I loved your PS. you do a good job getting your point across.

Two suggestions:
Don't start with a cliche. I'm sure the admissions staff has read that line hundreds of times. I would instead start with the Bob Dylan/Descartes line
Don't say that your friend called you an idiot. I'm not sure why, but that gives a wrong impression.

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RobertGolddust
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Re: Personal Statement First Draft

Postby RobertGolddust » Thu Jan 15, 2015 7:31 pm

Don't start with a cliche. I'm sure the admissions staff has read that line hundreds of times. I would instead start with the Bob Dylan/Descartes line


Thanks for the suggestion, my Dad totally hated that line but I think he was just being a dick.

Don't say that your friend called you an idiot. I'm not sure why, but that gives a wrong impression.


That's the third time that's been suggested to me; So I'm taking it out.

Thanks for the feedback, feel free to send me your PS, dolphin.

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UOI4430
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Re: Personal Statement First Draft

Postby UOI4430 » Thu Jan 15, 2015 8:33 pm

Hey Golddust,

Just wanted to offer some thoughts on how to improve your PS. This is just my opinion so take it for what it's worth.

I think that you might be overdoing it with some of your word choice (trying to sound too academic). It comes across as disingenuous IMO, like you were just pulling words out a thesaurus. i.e. "The cadence and alacrity with which he spoke was magnetic..." or "Feigning a pristine mind in my studies..."

Perhaps the best English writing coach ever is Jacques Barzun. His advice, "write simple and direct." You don't need to try to impress the adcomms with your vocabulary and believe me this PS won't. Just write what you mean clearly and concisely.

Did your dad seriously suggest that Socrates was a "rabble rouser who undermined the virtue of Greek culture?" To which you responded that Socrates "watered the seeds of progress." This sounds like it came straight out of a philosophy 100 class. This won't win you any points with the adcomms.

"The unpopular anomalies of history tend to balance excesses or deficiencies that develop in the unfathomable complex equation of existence."
-- To be BRUTALLY honest, I think you added this to make you sound smart, but it's convoluted and totally irrelevant. This is an example of extremely poor writing. It must be cut from your PS.

The first several paragraphs are just poor. However, when you get into the part concerning your education, accomplishments, and LSAT your narrative is actually quite good. The problem is that you will have lost the adcomms by the time you get there. Focus on that portion of PS and shy away from verbosity.

You won a most improved award which as a previous poster said is "gold." Concentrate on how academics became the most important part of your life. Also, give the adcomms some idea as to why you want to be a lawyer other than having taken a business law class (trust me 10,000 other applicants wrote the same thing).

Other than that I think you have a strong PS concerning your drive to improve yourself. Sorry if I came across too harsh. Good luck with your applications!

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RobertGolddust
Posts: 372
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2012 9:09 pm

Re: Personal Statement First Draft

Postby RobertGolddust » Thu Jan 15, 2015 11:10 pm

Hey Golddust,

Just wanted to offer some thoughts on how to improve your PS. This is just my opinion so take it for what it's worth.

I think that you might be overdoing it with some of your word choice (trying to sound too academic). It comes across as disingenuous IMO, like you were just pulling words out a thesaurus. i.e. "The cadence and alacrity with which he spoke was magnetic..." or "Feigning a pristine mind in my studies..."

Perhaps the best English writing coach ever is Jacques Barzun. His advice, "write simple and direct." You don't need to try to impress the adcomms with your vocabulary and believe me this PS won't. Just write what you mean clearly and concisely.

Did your dad seriously suggest that Socrates was a "rabble rouser who undermined the virtue of Greek culture?" To which you responded that Socrates "watered the seeds of progress." This sounds like it came straight out of a philosophy 100 class. This won't win you any points with the adcomms.

"The unpopular anomalies of history tend to balance excesses or deficiencies that develop in the unfathomable complex equation of existence."
-- To be BRUTALLY honest, I think you added this to make you sound smart, but it's convoluted and totally irrelevant. This is an example of extremely poor writing. It must be cut from your PS.

The first several paragraphs are just poor. However, when you get into the part concerning your education, accomplishments, and LSAT your narrative is actually quite good. The problem is that you will have lost the adcomms by the time you get there. Focus on that portion of PS and shy away from verbosity.

You won a most improved award which as a previous poster said is "gold." Concentrate on how academics became the most important part of your life. Also, give the adcomms some idea as to why you want to be a lawyer other than having taken a business law class (trust me 10,000 other applicants wrote the same thing).

Other than that I think you have a strong PS concerning your drive to improve yourself. Sorry if I came across too harsh. Good luck with your applications!



Thank you for the feedback. My dad said a few of the same things. I will definitely keep in mind every suggestion.

thisone2014
Posts: 106
Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2014 7:03 pm

Re: Personal Statement First Draft

Postby thisone2014 » Tue Jan 27, 2015 10:29 am

.




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