PS from Pakistan

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

PS from Pakistan

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Jan 14, 2015 3:54 am

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Jan 15, 2015 10:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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UOI4430
Posts: 182
Joined: Mon Oct 27, 2014 6:29 pm

Re: PS from Pakistan

Postby UOI4430 » Wed Jan 14, 2015 8:33 pm

Just had a look at your PS. I think that your PS is pretty strong. I especially like the opening paragraphs. Here are a few edits/revisions to consider.

"However, law students don’t grow up in one of the poorest terrorism-ridden countries in the world." -- I am a bit unsure what "grow up" means in this context. This sentence is unclear.

I think your third paragraph could be revised. Your narrative seems to be a bit disjointed. I can follow the paragraph until the end when you say, "Then, after eleven years of no response, my family was contacted by the American Embassy." You should probably set this up by telling the reader that your family had applied for American visas rather than asking the adcomm to assume that bit.

You use "inspite" when I think you mean "despite" at the beginning of paragraph 6. As well, "Ironically" is probably the wrong choice in the next sentence. Perhaps you could say "coincidentally" or just remove that sentence entirely. The paragraph itself could probably be removed as it might give adcomms the wrong idea. The adcomms might read your paragraph like this -- you thought a finance degree as a golden ticket, you got the degree only to realize that the job market was poor, then you decided to go to law school. It might appear that money is your sole motivation which obviously not good.

I am intrigued by your experiences working at the startup, and I think you should better develop that paragraph. Maybe discuss one specific experience you had with someone there that is particularly interesting and displays one of your strong characteristics. Also, saying that you "gravitate[d] towards the legal side of the business" isn't likely to win you any points with the adcomms (it seems a bit forced IMO). Let's hear about the social media projects you led, developed, etc.

Your material is gold. URM and immigrant with both professional experience, and personal leadership is about as good as it gets for PS. However, I think that you should focus either on the difficulties of coming to the U.S. or your professional experiences. As it stands, your PS is not well developed enough.

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ballcaps
Posts: 527
Joined: Tue Oct 14, 2014 12:20 pm

Re: PS from Pakistan

Postby ballcaps » Wed Jan 14, 2015 8:42 pm

this is one of the best personal statements i've ever read.

there are changes that could be made, but all of them minor.

i'll try to print and edit it by the end of the week.

Anonymous User
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Re: PS from Pakistan

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Jan 14, 2015 9:35 pm

Thank you for providing much-needed perspective. I will revise the draft soon. I was looking for a way to explain my Finance degree, but you're right that money comes across as the sole motivation.

Btw, what does URM mean?

All other comments welcome :D

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Ramius
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Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:39 am

Re: PS from Pakistan

Postby Ramius » Wed Jan 14, 2015 9:56 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Thank you for providing much-needed perspective. I will revise the draft soon. I was looking for a way to explain my Finance degree, but you're right that money comes across as the sole motivation.

Btw, what does URM mean?

All other comments welcome :D


URM=under represented minority. It matters for admissions if you fall under certain ethnic categories. As Pakistani, you won't actually qualify as URM, but your story is nonetheless truly unique.

This statement really was a breath of fresh air. You developed personality, ambition, drive, and a desire to do what you're applying to do.

My only critique for you is that your tone is somewhat uneven, which I think can be cleaned up. You start with this fantastic anecdote about not enjoying the culture you were raised in, work through hardships that you had to overcome, and then go into your development as a professional in a start-up. It absolutely shows growth, and the growth is entirely admirable, but I felt your tone lacked unity. I want to see your growth, and I want to see your maturation, but if you can master making that story unified where the professional college graduate is a modern evolution of the disgruntled teen at a wedding, I will see your statement's unity and I will be impressed by how you showed me so many positive qualities about yourself without telling me a single quality you believe you possess.

All in all a fantastic effort with very little need for revision, congratulations!




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