Working on a new ps please review and let me know what u thi

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Jackieb0688
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Joined: Mon Dec 15, 2014 3:00 pm

Working on a new ps please review and let me know what u thi

Postby Jackieb0688 » Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:24 pm

I sat for weeks thinking of the perfect way to express my thoughts for reasons why I wanted to become a lawyer. I found this task to be unusually hard. How could I express myself in a way that let my reader know how serious I was about taking this next step in my life. More over, how could I sum up my desire to become a lawyer as if it had been just one event that triggered my passion instead of a lifetime of learning and growing to make this decision?
I remember when I was five and I witnessed my four year old nephew be hit and killed by a speeding car that jumped the curb. He died on the day of his pre-school graduation. The man who was driving the car walked away from the crime after only doing six months in prison. As I became older I wondered how a child's life could be disregarded at such a tender age. Why didn't the prosecutor fight harder for justice for my nephew? I did not know then that my experience would follow me throughout my journey in life and help me make decisions. When my nephew died the car literally stopped 2 feet in front of me. I have always thought of him as my guardian angel because I felt as though he saved my life. As I got older everything I do I dedicate to him because I feel like I am not only living for me but for him as well. One thing I always promised myself is that I would always follow my dreams because he did not have a chance to follow his.
During my undergraduate years I was required to take a business law course that I thought would be the death of me. Surprisingly it was the best class that I had ever taken throughout my entire time at Howard University. It was hard and complicated but it evoked thought that went beyond just memorizing something out of a textbook. I loved every minute of it. Being able to understand the law and apply it to everyday life is amazing. More importantly knowing and understanding my rights and being able to help others do the same speaks volumes to my soul. When taking the business law class I often thought about my nephew. Although we didn't cover criminal law in the class it still made me feel a connection to him and what happened. I want to go to law school because it just feels right. It's one of those things that just brings passion to my life by the mere thought of all the possibilities that can come from me taking this journey.
Someone once told me to find something you enjoy in life then find a way to turn that into a career. Over the past few years one thing I have found that I am absolutely passionate about is helping people. Another thing that has never left my mind was getting a law degree. What better way to enjoy life than by helping people with something that they will need in their everyday life. Whether it be following in the footsteps of lawyers who become professors or helping the public by going into the non profit sector or being a prosecutor to make sure justice is served. I know that getting my law degree is a missing piece to my puzzle.

03282016
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[s][/s]

Postby 03282016 » Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:25 pm

Last edited by 03282016 on Mon Mar 28, 2016 7:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

jepper
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Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2014 3:13 pm

Re: Working on a new ps please review and let me know what u thi

Postby jepper » Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:29 pm

I think the content is pretty good. Very concise and to the point. However, I second what the above poster said. You need punctuation fixes in a major way. I don't think I have ever seen something written so long without the use of one single comma.

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bretby
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Re: Working on a new ps please review and let me know what u thi

Postby bretby » Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:36 pm

I think overall the content is interesting, but you don't need the first paragraph. The narrative is more gripping - and it is more to the point - if you start with the tragedy of your nephew. Just my thoughts!

Jackieb0688
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Dec 15, 2014 3:00 pm

Re: Working on a new ps please review and let me know what u thi

Postby Jackieb0688 » Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:52 pm

Thanks everyone I really appreciate the feedback and I understand what you are saying about the punctuation.

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UOI4430
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Re: Working on a new ps please review and let me know what u thi

Postby UOI4430 » Wed Jan 14, 2015 4:44 pm

I think that you should shy away from casting the justice system negatively. The "I experienced an injustice and now I want to fight injustice as a lawyer" narrative is cliche. What happened to your cousin is indeed a tragedy, but remember that adcomms have to read thousands of personal statements each cycle about how cruel the world is.

"As I became older I wondered how a child's life could be disregarded at such a tender age. Why didn't the prosecutor fight harder for justice for my nephew?" -- This is a risky choice when you are applying to a law school.

Otherwise, here are a few edits to look at.

"It was hard and complicated..." -- This should be cut as the writing is neither descriptive nor necessary. You start a number of different sentences with "it" which is an unclear antecedent. Be clear what "it" is. Don't make the adcomms assume.

"More importantly knowing and understanding my rights and being able to help others do the same speaks volumes to my soul." -- This sentence is awkward.

"I want to go to law school because it just feels right. It's one of those things that just brings passion to my life by the mere thought of all the possibilities that can come from me taking this journey." -- This sentence is also awkward. I would remove the first sentence entirely as it does not add anything substantial to your PS.

"Whether it be following in the footsteps of lawyers who become professors or helping the public by going into the non profit sector or being a prosecutor to make sure justice is served. I know that getting my law degree is a missing piece to my puzzle." -- Your first sentence is a fragment, but I am guessing you meant to put a comma after "served." The sentences should be broken up to improve your flow. Most of all, DO NOT finish your personal statement with a cliche ("missing piece to my puzzle").

A PS should identify the strong qualities that you possess which would make you a good law student/lawyer that are not necessarily reflected in your resume. Your PS does suggest why you are motivated to pursue a legal career, but not what qualities (i.e. work ethic, creativity, leadership, etc.) would allow you to be a good law student or lawyer. All that an adcomm can tell from your current PS is that you have experienced a personal tragedy and that you enjoyed your business law class.

I think you are on the right track, but this draft is very rough. Just my two cents. Good luck with you applications!




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