3rd Draft of Personal Statement. Please Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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3rd Draft of Personal Statement. Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Jan 06, 2015 5:18 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Jan 06, 2015 10:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Skool
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Re: 3rd Draft of Personal Statement. Please Critique

Postby Skool » Tue Jan 06, 2015 7:39 pm

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Last edited by Skool on Tue Jan 06, 2015 10:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273258
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: 3rd Draft of Personal Statement. Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Jan 06, 2015 7:53 pm

Thanks


but now,what do I do??
I am getting several people from TLS and elsewhere telling me to do A, B or C with my essay. I don't know who to trust and what to do

I like my original version to be honest but i had to change it, and thus lengthen my essay greatly after following others peoples advice


TLS who should I trust and what should I do????

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Skool
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Re: 3rd Draft of Personal Statement. Please Critique

Postby Skool » Tue Jan 06, 2015 7:54 pm

Do what ever you think is best. I still think you have some language issues.

Anonymous User
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Re: 3rd Draft of Personal Statement. Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Jan 06, 2015 8:13 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Jan 06, 2015 10:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Skool
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Re: 3rd Draft of Personal Statement. Please Critique

Postby Skool » Tue Jan 06, 2015 8:33 pm

All I'm saying is, in your ending, I think it's more powerful if it's framed in terms of you helping her reach her full potential by eliminating obstacles. This is a different view than one in which you heroically save her from poverty. It's a change mostly in the second and third to last paragraphs and doesn't require you to minimize your dedication and persistence on her behalf.

But if you don't see the difference in perspective between the two, just disregard the advice.

Edit: Basically, it's public SERVICE not public HEROISM.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273258
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: 3rd Draft of Personal Statement. Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Jan 06, 2015 8:50 pm

I see

well I will take a closer look soon within the next hour

Appreciate the feedback and time spent. Glad to have some feedback, better than none.

Have a good night




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