Possible final draft of PS

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pjanderson5
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Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2014 2:43 am

Possible final draft of PS

Postby pjanderson5 » Mon Dec 29, 2014 7:52 pm

Please critique.

It was the end of my freshman year in college. I had gained a significant amount of weight after already being considerably out of shape for most of my life. Constantly feeling beat, sluggish, and lacking confidence in myself, I decided to take the first step in changing my life. That summer, I stepped into the gym for the first time. I purchased a membership and told myself I would stick to my plan of working out every day. My schedule consisted of waking up at 3AM for work unloading a merchandise truck at Target, then going to the gym at 10 immediately after. Despite being mentally and psychically exhausted, I pushed myself to go to the gym and weight train, and then go for a run in the neighborhood next to the gym. That summer marked a paradigm shift in how I approached not just challenges, but life in general.

The work it took to get rid of the 50 pounds I eventually lost was not just a physical battle, but was just as equally a mental challenge. Before that in life, I never had worked that hard to achieve anything—I lacked the willpower to take on big tasks. The physical determination to add weight to my lifts and get those last few repetitions instilled the mindset of not quitting when things get tough. This mirrors the way I started approaching school and relationships, along with life’s everyday tasks. While I would previously give up on studying to go do something fun, or procrastinate on that paper due at the end of the semester, I am now proactive in my schoolwork. This would not have been the case without the lessons I learned from the gym.

As I fostered this new change in my life, I sought to help others that shared the same struggles I once did. Many of my family and friends took notice of the progress I had made in the gym and asked what I did to achieve and maintain it. I started by giving small tips, and eventually started taking many of them to the gym and helping them develop diet plans for themselves. I thoroughly enjoy playing a role in helping someone to achieve a goal they before thought was impossible. In the practice of law, I intend to achieve a similar satisfaction. It is my hope that my knowledge of the law can help improve not just other people, but society as a whole.

After taking up this lifestyle, my mind felt clearer and I had more energy than I ever had before. This gave me the motivation to succeed as a transfer student at the University of Wisconsin—Madison, the state’s flagship institution. The work ethic and perseverance I acquired from going to the gym and training six days a week instilled a work ethic that I have never previously had. During my first semester at UW, I was able to balance a difficult course load with my first internship, while still finding time to train in the gym everyday. This past semester, I was able to successfully complete an 18-credit semester while holding an internship, studying for the LSAT, and dealing with a sick parent.

My initial thoughts about going to law school—which have lingered since high school—were solidified throughout my college years. By overcoming my own weight struggles and aiding others with theirs, my desire to help others emerged, and is a large reason why being a lawyer is right for me. Through my academic, internship, and life experiences, I realize that I am ready to take on the challenge that law school brings. It is fitting that law school is the next chapter in my life, and I am ready to take on the responsibility of learning the law and the unexpected obstacles that will inevitably arise.

anonid
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue Oct 21, 2014 3:31 pm

Re: Possible final draft of PS

Postby anonid » Tue Dec 30, 2014 1:00 am

This is a fine statement. Writing is good; story puts you in a good light. It'll allow your numbers and softs to do their work. 95% of the PS's function is not to raise doubts about writing or ideas. Two notes on those fronts:

Writing: Don't say you're "dealing with" a sick parent, helping out or caring for are much better options. The passive sentence opening the final paragraph doesn't rub me well, rethink it?

Ideas: "better society," "help people." You don't need a deep analysis of any pet issue or dream job, but try to say something a little more substantive about why law is for you.

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bretby
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Joined: Thu Oct 30, 2014 5:15 pm

Re: Possible final draft of PS

Postby bretby » Tue Dec 30, 2014 5:30 pm

This is an interesting piece of writing. A few (hopefully helpful) comments.

The narrative beyond the work-out story is vague. For example:

In the practice of law, I intend to achieve a similar satisfaction. It is my hope that my knowledge of the law can help improve not just other people, but society as a whole.


and:

My initial thoughts about going to law school—which have lingered since high school—were solidified throughout my college years. By overcoming my own weight struggles and aiding others with theirs, my desire to help others emerged, and is a large reason why being a lawyer is right for me. Through my academic, internship, and life experiences, I realize that I am ready to take on the challenge that law school brings. It is fitting that law school is the next chapter in my life, and I am ready to take on the responsibility of learning the law and the unexpected obstacles that will inevitably arise.


The jump from helping family and friends figure out more healthful diets and improving society as a whole is a bit jarring. Perhaps an example of how you see yourself helping people through the law would be helpful. You don't mention any details about the internship, but were there any experiences there you could draw on?

Finally, the last paragraph is pretty tired. I know that writing a punchy closing is tough, but it's important to leave your reader with a good taste in their mouth.

Overall, though, interesting!

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Emma.
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Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:57 pm

Re: Possible final draft of PS

Postby Emma. » Tue Dec 30, 2014 9:18 pm

Some of your grammar/word choices are a bit weird. I'm too tired to proof this but I'd strongly recommend a couple rounds of grammar proofing.




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