Mods, please delete!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Ms4life
Posts: 72
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:57 pm

Mods, please delete!

Postby Ms4life » Sun Dec 28, 2014 1:14 pm

Deleted. Thanks for the help!
Last edited by Ms4life on Tue Dec 30, 2014 1:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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bretby
Posts: 312
Joined: Thu Oct 30, 2014 5:15 pm

Re: Personal Statement Critique, don't hold back!

Postby bretby » Sun Dec 28, 2014 3:14 pm

This is really inspiring. One very tiny style edit, and one question.

First, the question: You say that your aunt was unprepared to care for you, but never offer any details. As it stands, this sentence raises more questions than it answers, so perhaps it could come out.
Second: "This did not bother me, however, but for my brother, it was the complete opposite." This is a bit awkward. Maybe something like: "While I adjusted quickly to our new situation, my brother struggled."

Overall, though, I really enjoyed your piece.

cavalier2015
Posts: 367
Joined: Thu Dec 26, 2013 12:50 pm

Re: Personal Statement Critique, don't hold back!

Postby cavalier2015 » Mon Dec 29, 2014 12:08 pm

i liked the piece but i am concerned that I didn't learn a whole lot ABOUT you. i learned about where you come from but not much about HOW this has impacted/changed you.

Ms4life
Posts: 72
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:57 pm

Re: Personal Statement Critique, don't hold back!

Postby Ms4life » Mon Dec 29, 2014 3:02 pm

cavalier2015 wrote:i liked the piece but i am concerned that I didn't learn a whole lot ABOUT you. i learned about where you come from but not much about HOW this has impacted/changed you.


Thank you for your feedback! I am still making revisions and will do so with this in mind.

bretby wrote:This is really inspiring. One very tiny style edit, and one question.

First, the question: You say that your aunt was unprepared to care for you, but never offer any details. As it stands, this sentence raises more questions than it answers, so perhaps it could come out.
Second: "This did not bother me, however, but for my brother, it was the complete opposite." This is a bit awkward. Maybe something like: "While I adjusted quickly to our new situation, my brother struggled."

Overall, though, I really enjoyed your piece.


Thanks for your critique! The only reason I didn't expand more on my aunt's circumstances are because I'd be going over the 2-page limit. Also, thanks for the rephrase. I agree it is a bit awkward and will consider your suggestion in my revision!




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