PS Close to Final Draft. Feedback appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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PS Close to Final Draft. Feedback appreciated

Postby crobinson703 » Thu Dec 25, 2014 12:41 pm

Every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon, I walk into a small café at Syracuse University for lunch and am greeted the same way; “what’s up boss, how can I help ya”? The first time I went, it took all of five seconds for me to recognize that the young Black man helping me out was from Brooklyn. It wasn’t just the thick ‘u’ sound he added to the word boss. It was his attitude, his posture, his swagger; everything he said and every move he made oozed confidence, a characteristic that in my mind, was quintessentially Brooklyn. This young man knew where he was from, and wore it on his sleeve for everyone to see.

Until I was 19 years old, if you asked me where I was from, I would have lied. Washington DC. The Nation’s Capital. That’s where the first friends I made at Syracuse thought I was from. It wasn’t because I was ashamed of my small, Virginia hometown; I wanted to fit into some bogus archetype of the young Black man overcoming all odds and escaping the inner city through personal grit and determination. Although the prior does not necessarily hold true, my personal story has been one of success, and it has truly come together over the past 15 months.

I have wanted to go to law school and become a certified agent in the National Football League since I was in middle school. When I arrived at Syracuse as a Sport Management major, my eyes were opened to different aspects of the sport industry that I might enjoy. For a few weeks, I considered sales or operations as an alternative career. That was changed on October 25th, 2013, when someone who I once considered to be a good friend told me that I should try and be a salesman because I wouldn’t make a good lawyer. What was meant as a backhanded compliment, I took as an intentional slap in the face. She didn’t want me to take it personally, but I have made it my goal in life to prove her wrong.

Since that fateful day in October, I rededicated myself to my studies and my involvement on campus at Syracuse University. As you will see from my transcript, my focus paid off; with the exception of one B+ in a chemistry class, I have made straight A’s. I recognized that I coasted throughout my freshman year. I was determined to right the ship by putting in countless hours in the library, and visiting with professors during office hours. Getting a 4.0 fall semester and a 3.9 spring semester showed me that I can do whatever I want when I put my mind to it.

Outside of the classroom, I have worked hard to leave a footprint on the Syracuse campus. My freshman year I spent most of my time playing video games and not making any impact on the world. Since the spring of 2013, I have hosted a debate style sports talk radio show called ‘The Thunderdome’ on WERW, a local radio station. I helped to double the ratings, and really took pride in my preparation and subsequently my performance on air. After the success of the radio show, I decided to start a weekly podcast in August of 2014 with my roommate in which we would talk about the psychosocial issues in sports. This show, entitled “Live from Robert Drive” really allowed me to delve into the cultural and political happenings in sports today.

As part of my push to become a more active member of the Syracuse University campus, I decided to run for an executive board member of the Syracuse University Sport Management Club. I was elected Senior Vice President, and have been helping to lead the club to its most successful year so far. Every year we host a charity sports auction at a Syracuse men’s basketball game. This year being the tenth anniversary, we set out to have our biggest auction ever. We succeeded and shattered the previous record of $34,000 and raised over $45,000 to benefit Make-A-Wish. I was also chosen to be a Falk College Peer Advisor; a job that would require me to mentor 8 students in the freshman class on how to succeed in college. I continued this job and mentored sophomore sport management majors and helped them plan out the rest of their time at Syracuse.

Throughout the last 15 months, I have truly learned a lot about myself. There were times when I thought that I wouldn’t be able to do succeed, but time and time again I have. That, I think, is one of my best qualities. If I have a goal in mind, I will scratch and claw until that goal is achieved. I know that I will be able to apply this towards

There is no doubt in my mind that I will succeed when given the opportunity to attend law school. I have looked at myself in the mirror, accepted who I am, and I’ve conquered my academic and social inadequacies and turned them into strong points. My focus will not let up, because merely attending law school is not my goal. I want to graduate at the top of my law class, get hired by an agency, leave to follow my dream of owning my own company, and build up my own agency from the bottom up. I want to move into player personnel, and eventually I want to become the first Black commissioner of the National Football League. And when I accept the nomination for commissioner, the first people I thank will be the fine officials at Tulane University Law School that allowed me the opportunity to study and flourish as both a person and as a student.

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Re: PS Close to Final Draft. Feedback appreciated

Postby ballcaps » Thu Dec 25, 2014 12:55 pm

1) this is full of clichés ("that fateful day"; "my focus paid off"; "right the ship"; "when i put my mind to it") - remove all of these.

2) the notion of pursuing a challenging and expensive career simply in order to prove someone else wrong is...sketchy, to say the least. it suggests immaturity and a lack of foresight.

3) show, don't tell. you should really never have to say things like "i have accepted who i am" and "i've conquered my academic and social inadequacies and turned them into strong points" because, if these things are true, they should be demonstrated with your actions, not said outright. it's very easy to make bold claims; it's very challenging to actually convince your reader that they're true.

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