Diversity Statement Round 2 Critique!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Ms4life
Posts: 72
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:57 pm

Diversity Statement Round 2 Critique!

Postby Ms4life » Wed Dec 24, 2014 6:10 pm

Thanks in advanced for all your help, guys/girls!

Outcast, immigrant, fob (i.e., fresh off the boat); these words cut me like a knife. The more I heard it, even just a single syllable, the more it hurt. Even those who were Filipino, but born in America uttered similar words of disdain in my direction. What I could not understand was why? I thought America was the land of the free, the land of opportunity. But what I felt was discrimination from my peers. Discrimination like I had never felt before. After countless failed attempts to “fit in”, my dad (stepfather) taught me a lesson that I will never forget; the lesson of ignorance.
He taught me that the reason why these individuals thought less of me was because they did not know me and, rather than get to know me, made presumptions about what an immigrant was. However, these words are not indicative of the person I am and that only I could control the person I become. Undoubtedly, my motivation as a youth was solely to prove these individuals wrong, but what I now understand is that proving this single group of individuals was not enough. No individual should have to experience discrimination because they are different.
Today, I am the first college graduate in my family and embody the dreams that my mother had hoped would come to fruition by moving to America. But what I want does not stop there. I want to be an example of the change I envision; an example that immigrants in this country can succeed. It may be foolish of me to think I can, but it would be more foolish of me for never trying.
I am proud to be an immigrant and I am proud to let others know that it is a part of my identity. Although my experiences during my youth were negative, it has bestowed upon me the determination to withstand adverse circumstances, and the ability to help others understand. I have overcome many challenges, and even though my lack of proficiency in speaking English may have hindered me from accomplishing tasks in the past, I consider this deficiency to be a part of me, a part of me that I never want to forget.

coffeebeans24
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2014 5:07 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Round 2 Critique!

Postby coffeebeans24 » Wed Dec 24, 2014 9:01 pm

"...even just a single syllable" (seems a bit awkward. I think you can just cut that part out)

"....made presumptions about what an immigrant was" (This might sound better if it said something like, made presumptions about what it meant to be an immigrant. Ending in "was" doesn't feel right to me, but others might disagree.)

Outcast, immigrant, fob (i.e., fresh off the boat); these words cut me like a knife. The more I heard it, even just a single syllable, the more it hurt. Even those who were Filipino, but born in America uttered similar words of disdain in my direction. What I could not understand was why? I thought America was the land of the free, the land of opportunity. But what I felt was discrimination from my peers. (hmm just because it is the land of the free and opportunity doesn’t mean that there wouldn’t be discrimination and things wouldn’t be challenging. Rephrase.) Discrimination like I had never felt before. After countless failed attempts to “fit in”, my dad (stepfather) (I think you can just say stepfather or dad, it seems a bit unnecessary to put both) taught me a lesson that I will never forget; the lesson of ignorance.

He (Either say who or put this sentence after previous one without starting a new paragraph) taught me that the reason why these individuals thought less of me was because they did not know me and, rather than get to know me, made presumptions about what an immigrant was. However, these words are not indicative of the person I am and that only I could control the person I become. Undoubtedly, my motivation as a youth was solely to prove these individuals wrong, but what I now understand is that proving this single group of individuals was not enough. No individual should have to experience discrimination because they are different.
Today, I am the first college graduate in my family and embody the dreams that my mother had hoped would come to fruition by moving to America. But (Personally, I am not a big fan of starting a sentence with the word but. Maybe choose a synonymous word) what I want (maybe use another word for want here) does not stop there. I want to be an example of the change I envision; an example that immigrants in this country can succeed. It may be foolish of me to think I can, but it would be more foolish of me for never trying. (It may be foolish of me to think I can change everyone, but it would be more foolish of me if I never try).

I am proud to be an immigrant and I am proud to let others know that it is a part of my identity. Although my experiences during my youth were negative (maybe me more specific/ remind us as to what experiences), it has bestowed upon me the determination to withstand adverse circumstances, and the ability to help others understand (understand what?). I have overcome many challenges (again what challenges? Either remind us or be more specific. Maybe you can tie it in with your lack of proficiency in speaking English), and even though my lack of proficiency in speaking English may have hindered me from accomplishing tasks in the past, I consider this deficiency (maybe choose another word, deficiency I think is a bit much. Maybe use weakness. OR you could maybe say you don’t consider your lack of proficiency in English to be a weakness, rather I consider it to be who I am, a part of me that I never want to forget) to be a part of me, a part of me that I never want to forget.

Also maybe add why what you have learned from all this will be helpful to you in law school. You mentioned that you want to change things, but I think it is missing that connection to law school. I hope this helps.

red95
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Dec 23, 2014 1:31 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Round 2 Critique!

Postby red95 » Wed Dec 24, 2014 10:39 pm

Here's my 2 cents.

Can you give more short examples of the challenges and discrimination you faced, aside from name-calling? The ending comment about a deficiency in English writing is a bit abrupt and had me wondering if I somehow missed it earlier in your essay.

"Undoubtedly, my motivation as a youth was solely to prove these individuals wrong, but what I now understand is that proving this single group of individuals was not enough. No individual should have to experience discrimination because they are different."
It sounds like your experience has motivated you to want to fight discrimination in a broader sense? If so this sounds like it could be part of your conclusion, where it leads into your specific interest in law. But right now you change direction in your conclusion and talk about your ability to succeed and be an example for other immigrants who wish to succeed. Can you draw the connection more clearly between wanting to fight discrimination (if I'm interpreting your meaning correctly) and wanting to be an example of success to other immigrants?

Also, I'd replace the word "undoubtedly" with something else, maybe "at first"? It feels like an awkward transition.




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