Don't hold back! Deleted.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Don't hold back! Deleted.

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Dec 24, 2014 5:33 pm

Thank you for all the help! Will repost if need be :)
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Dec 27, 2014 3:28 pm, edited 3 times in total.

red95
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Joined: Tue Dec 23, 2014 1:31 pm

Re: Don't hold back!

Postby red95 » Wed Dec 24, 2014 11:49 pm

Culture clash could be a really great topic. It sounds like the conflict between cultures caused some serious problems for you. Can you give some specific examples to illustrate the conflict, and the effect on you? This would help make your story more powerful.

The opening quote doesn't seem helpful. Is it intended to help prove that you have a first-rate intelligence? If so this is not the best way to do it. Actually I wouldn't advise opening with a quote in general.

There seem to be a bunch of different ideas contained in the conclusion and you may want to focus on supporting just one.

coffeebeans24
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Re: Don't hold back!

Postby coffeebeans24 » Thu Dec 25, 2014 12:05 am

red95 wrote:Culture clash could be a really great topic. It sounds like the conflict between cultures caused some serious problems for you. Can you give some specific examples to illustrate the conflict, and the effect on you? This would help make your story more powerful.

The opening quote doesn't seem helpful. Is it intended to help prove that you have a first-rate intelligence? If so this is not the best way to do it. Actually I wouldn't advise opening with a quote in general.

There seem to be a bunch of different ideas contained in the conclusion and you may want to focus on supporting just one.



Thank you for your feedback! I just really like that quote but I agree about not using quotes as an opener in general. I also agree with the first rate intelligence thing. So I will take that out.

I was hesitant to put what the final breaking point was for me because it is about a relationship. I thought that might sound a little childish and I'm afraid they might take it as me just complaining because I can't be with who I want. Any ideas on how I could say that without sounding like a kid?
Everything is just culture clash. How I should behave, I shouldn't be going out at night because I am a girl, etc. Traditional and strict. I have come a long way with my family and they are not as bad as they used to be, partly because I am older now and because I fought for it.

red95
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Joined: Tue Dec 23, 2014 1:31 pm

Re: Don't hold back!

Postby red95 » Thu Dec 25, 2014 12:14 am

coffeebeans24 wrote:
red95 wrote:Culture clash could be a really great topic. It sounds like the conflict between cultures caused some serious problems for you. Can you give some specific examples to illustrate the conflict, and the effect on you? This would help make your story more powerful.

The opening quote doesn't seem helpful. Is it intended to help prove that you have a first-rate intelligence? If so this is not the best way to do it. Actually I wouldn't advise opening with a quote in general.

There seem to be a bunch of different ideas contained in the conclusion and you may want to focus on supporting just one.



Thank you for your feedback! I just really like that quote but I agree about not using quotes as an opener in general. I also agree with the first rate intelligence thing. So I will take that out.

I was hesitant to put what the final breaking point was for me because it is about a relationship. I thought that might sound a little childish and I'm afraid they might take it as me just complaining because I can't be with who I want. Any ideas on how I could say that without sounding like a kid?
Everything is just culture clash. How I should behave, I shouldn't be going out at night because I am a girl, etc. Traditional and strict. I have come a long way with my family and they are not as bad as they used to be, partly because I am older now and because I fought for it.


Maybe work backwards, clarify what you want your conclusion to express, and then make a list of all the culture clash incidents you can think of, so you can pick out the ones that you think will help support your conclusion. It doesn't necessarily have to include the final breaking point if you're uncomfortable writing about that.

coffeebeans24
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Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2014 5:07 pm

Re: Don't hold back!

Postby coffeebeans24 » Thu Dec 25, 2014 12:54 am

red95 wrote:
coffeebeans24 wrote:
red95 wrote:Culture clash could be a really great topic. It sounds like the conflict between cultures caused some serious problems for you. Can you give some specific examples to illustrate the conflict, and the effect on you? This would help make your story more powerful.

The opening quote doesn't seem helpful. Is it intended to help prove that you have a first-rate intelligence? If so this is not the best way to do it. Actually I wouldn't advise opening with a quote in general.

There seem to be a bunch of different ideas contained in the conclusion and you may want to focus on supporting just one.



Thank you for your feedback! I just really like that quote but I agree about not using quotes as an opener in general. I also agree with the first rate intelligence thing. So I will take that out.

I was hesitant to put what the final breaking point was for me because it is about a relationship. I thought that might sound a little childish and I'm afraid they might take it as me just complaining because I can't be with who I want. Any ideas on how I could say that without sounding like a kid?
Everything is just culture clash. How I should behave, I shouldn't be going out at night because I am a girl, etc. Traditional and strict. I have come a long way with my family and they are not as bad as they used to be, partly because I am older now and because I fought for it.


Maybe work backwards, clarify what you want your conclusion to express, and then make a list of all the culture clash incidents you can think of, so you can pick out the ones that you think will help support your conclusion. It doesn't necessarily have to include the final breaking point if you're uncomfortable writing about that.


Thank you for the response! This gave me an idea that I will try out next time I edit.


If anyone else has additional ideas/advice, please let me know!

greensun108
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Re: Don't hold back!

Postby greensun108 » Thu Dec 25, 2014 9:42 pm

It seems like a good topic. You need at least one specific example of a culture clash, and how you eventually resolved it by finding a middle ground, though. It's on that skeleton that you can hang the rest-- how navigating that path informs your decision to go to law school.

If the breaking point thing was a romantic relationship, I can understand not wanting that in your essay, though I think it could be fine if you were careful about it. Be very specific, though. Was it a single conversation? A bad date? A singular misunderstanding? Or choose some other incident that's easier for you to talk about.

"Clickish" American culture-- the word is "cliquish." :)

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bretby
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Re: Don't hold back!

Postby bretby » Sat Dec 27, 2014 3:27 pm

A suggestion - if the experience you are thinking about was a relationship and you (understandably) are leery of writing about it, can you reframe it as something other than a romantic relationship? That is, can you take the basic kernel of the conflict and dress it in slightly different clothes? If done well, it would still ring true and would offer the much needed concrete example necessary to keep your piece from being too vague.

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fats provolone
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Re: Don't hold back! Deleted.

Postby fats provolone » Sat Dec 27, 2014 3:30 pm

shit, i held back. sorry

Anonymous User
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Re: Don't hold back!

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Dec 29, 2014 10:35 pm

bretby wrote:A suggestion - if the experience you are thinking about was a relationship and you (understandably) are leery of writing about it, can you reframe it as something other than a romantic relationship? That is, can you take the basic kernel of the conflict and dress it in slightly different clothes? If done well, it would still ring true and would offer the much needed concrete example necessary to keep your piece from being too vague.


Thank you so much! that is a good idea. i will try to see if I can work something out with that. Maybe I will repost or pm you if i figure it out to see if I did it right.

Thank you!




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