Personal Statement Thoughts?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Personal Statement Thoughts?

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:57 pm

Removed
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Dec 25, 2014 3:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

coffeebeans24
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2014 5:07 pm

Re: Personal Statement Thoughts?

Postby coffeebeans24 » Wed Dec 24, 2014 10:24 pm

This was very captivating. I wanted to keep reading it. But it is WAY to long! You need to cut it down. It seemed to be a well written narrative, but I thought it was lacking a bit in the why law school question, although you did talk about law. Maybe cutting it down will make it seem more like a PS than a story. People may disagree, but this is just my opinion. Hope it helps!

red95
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Dec 23, 2014 1:31 pm

Re: Personal Statement Thoughts?

Postby red95 » Wed Dec 24, 2014 11:36 pm

A powerful story especially since it eerily echoes some of my own childhood experiences. I can empathize with the confusion and insecurity of growing up with a parent like that, as well as the indignation/anger that comes when you become old enough to understand just what sort of wrongs have been done to you. No child should ever have to go through something like that.

Now for the writing. I agree that you definitely want to cut the narrative portion shorter. Also I suggest avoiding the words "hate" and "hatred" in connection with your mother. Most people who have never experienced a parent like this will not be able to understand and will be very uncomfortable with a declaration of hatred for one's own parent. I know it feels like hate (I went through the same stage at one point) but rather than use such a strong negative word, maybe focus more on the pain/grief aspect that you felt instead.

"It is this perspective, this pursuit of truth that led me to TFA after college with a desire to tell the truth to kids who have normalized a narrative about themselves that isn't true."
Do you mean "internalized" instead of "normalized"? It seems to imply that you experienced this personally, that your mother may have caused you to accept a false self-image (again, eerie echos for me). But if that's the case, you may want to describe this in your story. Right now the only issues mentioned for your mother are these: her mind was incoherent, she resorted to pills, and she was willing to lie and throw tantrums to obtain those pills. There is no mention that she may have used lies to hurt her children also.

The description of how your father taught you a lesson about equality is great, but how does it relate to the story about your mother? Did she teach you differently about race? If there is no connection other than to explain why your father was so well-respected and therefore your mother got more lenience than she otherwise would have, then you don't need to go into that much detail here.

"Under these words, the formation for truth was formed and the hope to eradicate the wrongs in not only my mother, but in society began to take shape."
This is awkward. What does "formation for truth" mean? What wrongs are you talking about? Do you mean people whose reasoning ability have broken down? People who abuse prescription drugs and commit wrongs to obtain them?

"I believe it is the law that will be the conduit to begin to change this for this latter group and begin to right the wrongs in our society will enable others to pursue their own dreams."
Check grammar on this sentence. Not sure what you want to express. What does "latter group" refer to?

"I retain hope that the law will be a mechanism to change these normalizations and will be the recourse necessary for justice and truth to be obtained and upheld."
This is vague. What normalizations are you referring to? How does this relate to the issues you described with your mother? I think the issues you have described are very serious but also narrow in scope, and it would be a stretch to conclude that fixing such issues is "necessary for justice and truth to be obtained and upheld."




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