Critique (Very rough) first draft of PS

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pjanderson5
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Critique (Very rough) first draft of PS

Postby pjanderson5 » Mon Dec 22, 2014 1:03 am

*deleted for editing*
Last edited by pjanderson5 on Mon Dec 29, 2014 6:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

mike0331
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Re: Critique (Very rough) first draft of PS

Postby mike0331 » Mon Dec 22, 2014 9:46 am

Honestly unless you completed some benchmark physical activity, like a race or competition for example, starting a healthy lifestyle doesn't exactly scream out the type of perseverence I think you are trying to convey. Also, giving others workout advice without any background other than you work out is a questionable thing to discuss... while in practice in certain circumstances its obviously fine, I dont know that its something you want to highlight.

Just my .02

Mike

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lawschool1741
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Re: Critique (Very rough) first draft of PS

Postby lawschool1741 » Mon Dec 22, 2014 11:33 am

Agree with above comment. This is not necessarily a bad PS topic, but you need to make this bad boy sing if you are on the bubble with any apps.

I started my by giving small tips, and eventually started taking many of them to the gym and helping them develop diet plans as well.
- my by?

I thoroughly enjoy being a part of someone doing something they never thought they could otherwise do.
- too many pronouns

After taking up this lifestyle, my mind felt clearer, and I had more energy than I ever had before.
- remove second comma for clarity

I was motivated as ever to see how this change would impact my transition to the University of Wisconsin—Madison, the state’s flagship institution.
- needs to be "as __ as", but should probably be reworded entirely

The work ethic and perseverance I acquired from going to the gym and training 5 to 6 days a week instilled a work ethic that I have never previously had.
- not sure adcomms care enough for you to say '5 or 6', pick one

I was able to balance a difficult course load with my first internship, while still finding time to train in the gym close to everyday.
- honestly, makes me think, 'why not everyday?' 'what did PJ do in his off days?', better leave out the qualifying 'close to'


This previous semester, I was able to successfully complete an 18-credit semester while holding an internship, studying for the LSAT, and dealing with a sick parent.
- This -> the? probably needs to be reworded entirely

I believe that this ability to balance and prioritize will be especially useful in law school.
- quality belief, now lets tell adcomms something they don't know

My first thoughts about going to law school came during my senior year in high school.
- your whole essay is about a different time-period/event in your life, this comes off as forced

Like balancing my physical health with my academic life, I am ready to take on the responsibility of learning the law and the unexpected obstacles that will inevitably arise.
- poor parallelism

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pjanderson5
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Re: Critique (Very rough) first draft of PS

Postby pjanderson5 » Mon Dec 22, 2014 1:32 pm

Thanks for the input guys. When I first thought about writing about weight loss I knew that I had to knock it out of the park. I will be editing the hell out of this thing for the next week.

mike0331
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Re: Critique (Very rough) first draft of PS

Postby mike0331 » Mon Dec 22, 2014 2:36 pm

I think without a "I was 400 pounds now I run marathons" kind of story its going to be a hard topic to drive home.

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pjanderson5
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Re: Critique (Very rough) first draft of PS

Postby pjanderson5 » Mon Dec 22, 2014 2:59 pm

mike0331 wrote:I think without a "I was 400 pounds now I run marathons" kind of story its going to be a hard topic to drive home.


I really don't have anything else to write about though. I truly feel it was a turning point in my life, but I guess it's hard to convey.

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lawschool1741
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Re: Critique (Very rough) first draft of PS

Postby lawschool1741 » Mon Dec 22, 2014 3:14 pm

pjanderson5 wrote:I really don't have anything else to write about though. I truly feel it was a turning point in my life, but I guess it's hard to convey.


Definitely stick to what you feel is important to you, not everyone has the 'perfect' rags-to-riches, etc story. It might be more powerful to discuss more of the actual transition mentally - everyone knows what it takes to lose weight (gym, diet, etc), not many have been successful at it long-term.

Every single letter on your PS is desperately important. ex: Does it really matter that you ran 'in the neighborhood next to the gym'? I am not saying it doesn't, as that is a decision you will need to make, but just be sure that every single word works towards a specific end.




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