Please tear this apart for me

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Please tear this apart for me

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Dec 21, 2014 8:30 am

Please review this draft and let me know what changes I need to make.

...Thanks all
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Dec 22, 2014 5:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

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starry eyed
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Re: Please tear this apart for me

Postby starry eyed » Sun Dec 21, 2014 12:55 pm

Not that helpful, but i think overall it's very solid.

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Skool
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Re: Please tear this apart for me

Postby Skool » Sun Dec 21, 2014 2:02 pm

Anonymous User wrote:among its list of guests.

I'm not wild about the sarcastic tone here. I think it's not the note you want to hit. Why not, "among its inmates" or some such.
Anonymous User wrote:if I am admitted to your law school I will be given the tools and necessary education that will allow me to fulfill my dream.
Also I wasn't a giant fan of this sentence. Your experience is really interesting, but it's concrete. So is your goal. It comes off as cheesy and insincere when you suddenly announce with no lead up that it's your "dream" instead of your professional/personal/political goal.

Along the same lines, you say "your law school" which sounds inherently insincere to me since you're sending this application to tons of deans who 1. Already know you're applying to more than just their law school and 2. are invested in the idea that their school is special. It's like you're pulling a cheap parlor trick to make the essay specific to them while not going through the trouble of expressly saying their name.

Why not just say "if admitted to law school". That would at least be keeping it real, which is important in discussing your genuine experience and commitment with public interest law (people tend to say they're committed in these essays but never intend on following through).

These are nitpicky things because I liked your personal statement so much. Good job.

Yours in PI para solidarity,
Skool

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Please tear this apart for me

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Dec 21, 2014 4:46 pm

alaird21 wrote:Not that helpful, but i think overall it's very solid.


Not helpful in the admissions process?

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starry eyed
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Re: Please tear this apart for me

Postby starry eyed » Sun Dec 21, 2014 4:49 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
alaird21 wrote:Not that helpful, but i think overall it's very solid.


Not helpful in the admissions process?


no i meant my comment wasn't very helpful, sorry for the lack of clarification

NonTradHealthLaw
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Re: Please tear this apart for me

Postby NonTradHealthLaw » Sun Dec 21, 2014 5:35 pm

Very solid essay. A fair number of errors; but, overall, a representation of a person I immediately respect and someone about whom I want to know more.

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Please tear this apart for me

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Dec 21, 2014 6:15 pm

NonTradHealthLaw wrote:Very solid essay. A fair number of errors; but, overall, a representation of a person I immediately respect and someone about whom I want to know more.


Thanks! Can you point out the errors you identified? I'm in edit mode now and feel I'm glazing over this thing.




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