Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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immamac
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Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby immamac » Fri Dec 19, 2014 5:09 pm

Hey guys,

Posted my PS. Would also like to put up my DS. It's at around 500 words. Should I shorten it? Also would love a critique on the content/style/tone. Thanks guys:

My home of Santa Fe is a place of contrasts. Historic Indian and Mexican culture contrasts with the modern art of Canyon Road and the technology of Los Alamos. The poor chicanos and Mexican-nationals contrast against the rich businessmen of downtown. The historic adobe houses contrast against the cheap new apartments and trailer parks along Cerrillos and Airport. It’s a great place to gain perspective.

As a teen, I rebelled against the sheltered life of my childhood and began hanging out in the barrio. I met many cholos and tough chicano kids. Though I was sheltered—even nerdy—they befriended me. In no time I was a rough-and-tumble teen. My rowdy behavior led to me attending the high school on the other side of town, filled predominantly with Mexican-nationals.

This allowed me to see the difference between chicano and Mexican culture. Feeling unhappy in Santa Fe, I moved to Sacramento, where I saw the difference between Mexicans of the Southwest and Mexicans from California. Unlike New Mexico, many chicanos in California are first generation Mexicans, and identify as Nortenos. This is indicative of Mexicans taking on American culture, which I had done my whole life.

After high school, I moved to New York City. I spent much time in the Flatbush area of Brooklyn with friends from school, freestyle rapping, showing each other our tags and street art. I never felt insecure in these “scary” places. My time in Sacramento and the East-Bay Area prepared me. And my time in Santa Fe on Mann St. and Alto St. prepared me for that.

My perspective has been molded by the classroom and the street. I have seen the contrasts of culture, and they have afforded me with a deep sense of empathy. I hope to use these contrasting perspectives to help others in the future: to breach cross-cultural issues, motivated not by prejudice, but by understanding.
Last edited by immamac on Sat Dec 20, 2014 7:48 pm, edited 3 times in total.

JustDuke
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby JustDuke » Sat Dec 20, 2014 1:37 am

immamac wrote:After high school, I moved to New York City, where I made many black friends.

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hairbear7
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby hairbear7 » Sat Dec 20, 2014 1:45 am

immamac wrote:I can hold my own in a conversation with a homie


My favorite part

JustDuke
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby JustDuke » Sat Dec 20, 2014 1:56 am

hairbear7 wrote:
immamac wrote:I can hold my own in a conversation with a homie


My favorite part


WOW Thank you. I didnt even make it that far. And I was wrong!!! This is pure awesome

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immamac
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby immamac » Sat Dec 20, 2014 2:14 am

This is why I came here :P

JustDuke
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby JustDuke » Sat Dec 20, 2014 2:30 am

immamac wrote:This is why I came here :P


And that was good decision. MY PS started with "Let me introduce myself. My Name is ....". And there was nobody to stop me

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immamac
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby immamac » Sat Dec 20, 2014 2:33 am

K I get it... suggestions?

JustDuke
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby JustDuke » Sat Dec 20, 2014 2:35 am

immamac wrote:K I get it... suggestions?


Dont send it. Rewrite

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immamac
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby immamac » Sat Dec 20, 2014 2:39 am

Duh.... You didn't like the black kids part. How should I talk about spending time in Flatbush and keep it short? Should I not talk about that at all? I thought it shows diversity being able to move across the country, going to a notorious place like that, and make lots of friends.

JustDuke
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby JustDuke » Sat Dec 20, 2014 2:59 am

immamac wrote:Duh.... You didn't like the black kids part. How should I talk about spending time in Flatbush and keep it short? Should I not talk about that at all? I thought it shows diversity being able to move across the country, going to a notorious place like that, and make lots of friends.


You need to grow up. Take couple years off. Go get a job.

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immamac
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby immamac » Sat Dec 20, 2014 3:03 am

Says the turd trolling on a law school forum....
Last edited by immamac on Sat Dec 20, 2014 3:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

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immamac
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby immamac » Sat Dec 20, 2014 3:05 am

On a Friday night :lol:

JustDuke
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby JustDuke » Sat Dec 20, 2014 3:14 am

Yeah dude you got me. I am also eating leftover sushi and drinking gin by myself. Hows that for diversity statement?

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immamac
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby immamac » Sat Dec 20, 2014 3:16 am

Pretty pathetic brah. Hope you don't get worms. I'll rewrite and post tomorrow. L8rz!!

JustDuke
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby JustDuke » Sat Dec 20, 2014 3:18 am

immamac wrote:Pretty pathetic brah. Hope you don't get worms. I'll rewrite and post tomorrow. L8rz!!


See ya

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immamac
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby immamac » Sat Dec 20, 2014 3:32 pm

K guys, thanks for the lampooning. :oops: :oops: Really did help. Here's the rewrite. JustDuke, no more "black friends" appeal for diversity.


My home of Santa Fe is a place of contrasts. Historic Indian and Mexican culture contrasts with the modern art of Canyon Road and the technology of Los Alamos. The poor chicanos and Mexican-nationals contrast against the rich businessmen of downtown. The historic adobe houses contrast against the cheap new apartments and trailer parks along Cerrillos and Airport. It’s a great place to gain perspective.

As a teen, I rebelled against the sheltered life of my childhood and began hanging out in the barrio. I met many cholos and tough chicano kids. Though I was sheltered—even nerdy—they befriended me. In no time I was a rough-and-tumble teen. My rowdy behavior led to me attending the high school on the other side of town, filled predominantly with Mexican-nationals.

This allowed me to see the difference between chicano and Mexican culture. Feeling unhappy in Santa Fe, I moved to Sacramento, where I saw the difference between Mexicans of the Southwest and Mexicans from California. Unlike New Mexico, many chicanos in California are first generation Mexicans, and identify as Nortenos. This is indicative of Mexicans taking on American culture, which I had done my whole life.

After high school, I moved to New York City. I spent much time in the Flatbush area of Brooklyn with friends from school, freestyle rapping, showing each other our tags and street art. I never felt insecure in these “scary” places. My time in Sacramento and the East-Bay Area prepared me. And my time in Santa Fe on Mann St. and Alto St. prepared me for that.

My perspective has been molded by the classroom and the street. I have seen the contrasts of culture, and they have afforded me with a deep sense of empathy. I hope to use these contrasting perspectives to help others in the future: to breach cross-cultural issues, motivated not by prejudice, but by understanding.

Loney M. Setnick
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby Loney M. Setnick » Sat Dec 20, 2014 6:20 pm

Definitely needs a re-write. You're making a lot of claims about yourself that are poorly supported (if at all). The general tone of your essay comes off as arrogant and I think it would rub adcomms the wrong way. Also, saying things like, "I made many black friends", "this is an awkward distinction", "Warzone neighborhood off Central Avenue", "unlike many older latinos", "'scary' places" are in poor taste. I like that you're trying to highlight your adaptability to different cultures in the US and maybe that should be the overarching theme of your essay, but you need to start over.

JustDuke
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby JustDuke » Sat Dec 20, 2014 7:16 pm

Loney M. Setnick wrote:Definitely needs a re-write. You're making a lot of claims about yourself that are poorly supported (if at all). The general tone of your essay comes off as arrogant and I think it would rub adcomms the wrong way. Also, saying things like, "I made many black friends", "this is an awkward distinction", "Warzone neighborhood off Central Avenue", "unlike many older latinos", "'scary' places" are in poor taste. I like that you're trying to highlight your adaptability to different cultures in the US and maybe that should be the overarching theme of your essay, but you need to start over.


Sounds about right. I personally gave up on this thread

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immamac
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby immamac » Sat Dec 20, 2014 7:27 pm

JustDuke wrote:
Loney M. Setnick wrote:Definitely needs a re-write. You're making a lot of claims about yourself that are poorly supported (if at all). The general tone of your essay comes off as arrogant and I think it would rub adcomms the wrong way. Also, saying things like, "I made many black friends", "this is an awkward distinction", "Warzone neighborhood off Central Avenue", "unlike many older latinos", "'scary' places" are in poor taste. I like that you're trying to highlight your adaptability to different cultures in the US and maybe that should be the overarching theme of your essay, but you need to start over.


Sounds about right. I personally gave up on this thread


At least Setnick added something constructive. How bout u gtfo already JD...

And thx Setnick for the suggestion. That's definitely my theme. I could make it more concrete but Idk how w/o adding alot of length.

I tried toning down the arrogance in my rewrite (see above)

JustDuke
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby JustDuke » Sat Dec 20, 2014 7:31 pm

immamac wrote:At least Setnick added something constructive. How bout u gtfo already JD...


Well, we both agreed that Setnick added something constructive. I am not sure where all this rage coming from

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starry eyed
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby starry eyed » Sat Dec 20, 2014 7:32 pm

you'll probably make the adcomms laugh out loud at some of the slang language in this ds. that has to count for something, whether that's a positive or a negative is a mystery.... probably negative

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immamac
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby immamac » Sat Dec 20, 2014 7:37 pm

Lol cuz a troll is in my thread w/ no concrete suggestions

alaird21 wrote:you'll probably make the adcomms laugh out loud at some of the slang language in this ds. that has to count for something, whether that's a positive or a negative is a mystery.... probably negative


U think the rewrite too?

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immamac
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby immamac » Sat Dec 20, 2014 7:50 pm

alaird21 wrote:you'll probably make the adcomms laugh out loud at some of the slang language in this ds. that has to count for something, whether that's a positive or a negative is a mystery.... probably negative


and also you think zero colloquialisms? I don't have space to explain what a cholo is, and saying gangbanger or something like that sounds even worse :(

FML

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starry eyed
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby starry eyed » Sat Dec 20, 2014 7:53 pm

just read the re-write, it is definitely better, and you come off as more likeable. maybe i'm just ignorant to what barrios, cholos and chicanos are. I would find a way to reword 'tags' and 'street art' though. You sound proud, and I don't think it's a bad thing to be display pride in a ds.

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immamac
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique - Southwest Latino URM

Postby immamac » Sat Dec 20, 2014 7:56 pm

Thank you alaird21

I'll keep working on it.

And thanks everyone else. Even you JD, for getting the word out on this thread...




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