Personal Statment Critique Please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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immamac
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Jul 15, 2013 8:16 am

Personal Statment Critique Please

Postby immamac » Fri Dec 19, 2014 5:05 pm

Hey Guys,

Getting ready to send out apps for 2015. Feeling a lil insecure bout my PS. Would love you guys to tear it apart. Here you go:

I did not live my life thinking one day I would have to summarize it in a paper. At times I lived aimlessly. As I grew, I learned to focus. I feel I should be authentic and display the good and bad. I aim to portray the aspects of myself lost in resumes and tests: to portray my self-motivation, my commitment to ethics, and my budding drive for excellence.

I appreciate my self-motivation because I have not always had it. No one else tried impressing motivation upon me. Up until high school, I spent many days at home playing sick. Moving from small Christian schools to a large public high school only diminished my motivation further. Sick days turned to ditching. I neglected school, but I still had a compulsion towards law.
I volunteered as a Teen Court attorney from eight to tenth grade. I would prosecute and defend my peers in traffic and drug cases. This included depositions, interviews, statements, and examinations like a real trial. A friend of mine introduced me to mock trial, where I participated as an attorney. My team even won the city tournament and went to state. Still, I had no appreciation for the classroom.

High school was a bust. Instead of wasting more time there, I earned a GED and enrolled in the Santa Fe Community College at age 16. My immaturity led to a few lackluster semesters. But I knew the stakes: my future. I had to motivate myself. I made a promise to myself to never miss a day of class, never skip an assignment, and study for every test. The next semester I was astounded: all A’s. I graduated SFCC with honors and a need for a Bachelor’s program.

I tried a small college in NYC. This is where I would have my ethics tested. The college promised an immersion into the business culture of Manhattan. Once there, however, I found I was part of an experiment: the school’s big push from a bible-college of 200 to business/media school of 1500. My time at SFCC had sparked my fascination with politics. I tried on many hats: libertarian, progressive, Marxist, and centrist liberal. At this school I had to defend anything not conservative.

I defended my vegetarianism, citing cruelty towards animals and climate change against peers who believed God gave man “dominion” and that climate change is a hoax. I also defended my beliefs in popularism. Dick Armey, former Republican Majority Leader, spoke in a seminar series. I asked him, “As one of the leaders of the Tea Party, what are your thoughts on the anti-Wall St. sentiments in the movement that stem from too-big-to-fail and the bailouts?” He chuckled, “I don’t think there are any anti-Wall St. sentiments. The people are tired of big government.” The OWS movement started in Zucotti Park less than a year later and less than a few miles away from the campus where he was speaking. Though this school afforded me many opportunities to debate, it was a bad fit.
I finished my studies at UNM with an eye towards academic excellence. I chose to study economics and philosophy. I studied neoclassical economics and statistics in order to develop scientific and logical approach towards social questions. I also studied Classic, Modern, and Continental philosophy, in particular metaphysics and logic, which will aid me in analyzing the dense diction and abstract concepts of law. I did well at UNM, graduating Summa Cum Laude.

I made my way back to Santa Fe, where I worked multiple jobs. I worked as a crew chief in my father’s land-surveying firm, a janitor, and most recently, an intern and assistant at a financial brokerage. At the firm I was able to utilize my education while learning corporate culture. I put together allocations for multi-million dollar accounts, I sat in on deals with my mentoring brokers, and I organized corporate seminars and events. I even directed a private gallery viewing for the CEO of Wells Fargo.
I know what it is like to feel malaise, without drive or purpose. And I have felt what it is like to excel. I am confident the law program at [] will allow me to excel further. It will afford me the tools to fight for what I believe, and to help those I care about. I have the self-motivation, I have a commitment to ethics, I have the desire for excellence: all I need is an opportunity.



Thanks guys :mrgreen:

User avatar
pcph
Posts: 132
Joined: Wed May 14, 2014 8:08 pm

Re: Personal Statment Critique Please

Postby pcph » Fri Dec 19, 2014 6:27 pm

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Last edited by pcph on Sat Jun 25, 2016 11:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

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RCSOB657
Posts: 2273
Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2014 2:50 am

Re: Personal Statment Critique Please

Postby RCSOB657 » Fri Dec 19, 2014 6:35 pm

You probably won't agree, but reading this and your DS makes it all sound a tad bit "I'm special because I'm privileged even though I want you to take me because I'm not that privileged." I am not saying that is the actual motivation, but the two documents sort of rub that way. If that is what you're trying to express, then feel free to ignore this.

User avatar
immamac
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Jul 15, 2013 8:16 am

Re: Personal Statment Critique Please

Postby immamac » Fri Dec 19, 2014 11:59 pm

Pcph- yeah I might be trying to fit too much. I'll think about one to run with and redraft. Maybe cool it on the resume stuff.

I wanted to include the Dick Armey thing, but you're right I should try to highlight myself a little more in it, or cut it.


RCSO- I'm not sure exactly what you're saying. I'm lower middle class, but come from a place with lots of poor and lots of rich. In a way that's sort of what I'm going for. Does it come out a little scatterbrained, or douchey?


Thanks for the feedback guys :)




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