Diversity Statement Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Ms4life
Posts: 72
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:57 pm

Diversity Statement Critique

Postby Ms4life » Tue Dec 16, 2014 10:59 pm

I'll post mine below and feel free to rip it to shreds, or give positive feedback. Thanks guys!

Outcast, immigrant, fob (i.e., fresh off the boat). Regrettably, these were the derogatory terms of discrimination utilized by my peers during my youth, including those who were of a similar ethnic background, but American –born. To this day, these three words elicit the same emotions as they did then, when I first moved to America. Before, it elicited a truculent and ornery emotion, an emotion I could not control. Today, those words, which elicit the same emotions, now serve as the incentive to prove those who doubted me wrong, those who doubted that I could succeed.
To them, I was another immigrant likely to be unsuccessful, an immigrant that embodied the negative connotations that still accompany the word today. Eventually, I myself became susceptible to these connotations, and individuals I looked up to validated those notions, because many members of my extended-family worked for the local Walmart or dead-end job. However, what separates me from them was that I was afforded an opportunity that they never received, an opportunity to break the stigma and be the first in my family to attend college. With this opportunity, I told myself that every choice I make forward will be of my own volition, and that I would only perform obligations that make me happy, regardless if it conforms to the general consensus.
Nevertheless, I have endured my share of troubles, some of which I circumvent, but none of which I resent. Each experience, regardless of its consequences, has contributed to a greater and more holistic understanding of what is important. Today, I have become the first college graduate in my family, first graduate level member of my family, and embody the dreams and desires that my mother imagined would come to fruition by moving to America. My graduate level coursework has enabled me the opportunity to become the example of the change I envision, which will further increase my capacity to pay this opportunity forward, to show immigrants like myself that they too can become greater than societal expectations.
These statements are not intended to elicit pity, be glorifications of the arduous situations I have experienced, nor are they intended to depict the grandiose ideas about myself. I am a true believer that everything is “grist to the mill” and that everything has the potential to be profitable, in spite of their negative effects. These experiences allow me the ability to depict a perspective dissimilar from those who were born in America, and advocate for the values immigrants.
I am proud to be an immigrant and I am proud to let others know that it is a part of my identity. Although my experiences during my youth were negative, they have bestowed upon me the determination to withstand adverse circumstances, and the ability to change. I have overcome many challenges, and even though my lack of proficiency in speaking English may have hindered me from accomplishing tasks in the past, I consider this deficiency to be a challenge waiting to be overcome, a challenge that will invoke greater feelings of accomplishment and appreciation when defeated.

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Ramius
Posts: 2005
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby Ramius » Tue Dec 16, 2014 11:37 pm

First of all, too wordy. You pepper the statement with flowery descriptors and using three words when one word would work. I can provide quotes, but it's honestly too rampant to warrant pointing out single problems in the statement.

Additionally, and this is not in any way meant to offend, but you seem somewhat combative toward the people around you, claiming that even people of similar background still judge you for not being "American-born."

My biggest takeaway in this statement is that you're determined to the point of combativeness to prove that you're better than EVERYONE else. That determination isn't inherently bad, but I don't feel encouraged with wanting to join you in your journey, which is the hope of any ADCOM who reads it.

I would say you need to take the edge off of your statement and transform it into a statement where you took a disadvantaged beginning, coming from an immigrant perspective, and turn it into how you want to influence your environment to make it better. I want to see your determination and your passion, but only if it channels into something positive.

Finally, and this is something you'll want to work on after you recraft your message, but you need to refine your English. Little things like, "I myself" are unacceptable in a professional statement that could hurt you, but they might be missed when you read over your statement for the 100th time.

Good luck and let me know if you have questions!

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pylon
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Joined: Sun Aug 17, 2014 8:58 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby pylon » Wed Dec 17, 2014 10:17 am

Ms4life wrote:These statements are not intended to elicit pity, be glorifications of the arduous situations I have experienced, nor are they intended to depict the grandiose ideas about myself.

Overall, that was pretty good. I don't think it was amazing and it needs refinement, but definitely a good base. I did think the quoted sentence was a bit too wordy.

I also thought it was interesting that you never actually mentioned where you were an immigrant from. Was this on purpose?

Ms4life
Posts: 72
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:57 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby Ms4life » Wed Dec 17, 2014 11:49 am

pylon wrote:
Ms4life wrote:These statements are not intended to elicit pity, be glorifications of the arduous situations I have experienced, nor are they intended to depict the grandiose ideas about myself.

Overall, that was pretty good. I don't think it was amazing and it needs refinement, but definitely a good base. I did think the quoted sentence was a bit too wordy.

I also thought it was interesting that you never actually mentioned where you were an immigrant from. Was this on purpose?


Thank you for your feedback! I mentioned where I'm originally from in my PS, so I didn't think it was necessary to mention it again. If I'm wrong in thinking this, I would appreciate it if someone would let me know.

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pylon
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Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby pylon » Wed Dec 17, 2014 10:45 pm

Ms4life wrote:Thank you for your feedback! I mentioned where I'm originally from in my PS, so I didn't think it was necessary to mention it again. If I'm wrong in thinking this, I would appreciate it if someone would let me know.

That makes sense, although imo I would include it in the diversity statement, and include it in examples and stories you're sharing. Because, I'm sure law schools get LOTS of immigrant applications. Being an immigrant won't make you stand out, because they have plenty of people to fill that void. However, maybe your diversity being attached to your heritage and to your roots from X country could make you slightly more unique. Just my $0.02.

JustDuke
Posts: 110
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2014 5:27 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby JustDuke » Thu Dec 18, 2014 4:26 am

I can suggest a name, that also kinda touches on current political situation. "Crimea River"




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