Lay It On Me

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Lay It On Me

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Dec 16, 2014 6:07 am

Hi all and thanks in advance for your input. I'm only going to leave this up for a short while, but I am curious as to whether you think this general personal statement is on the right track.

This is my first complete draft, and so subject to change based on your comments. I do not feel as if the idea is forced because I am passionate about the subject and truly identified with the abstract ideal that I try to draw parallels to, but I want to know if I am executing my point.

Thanks again and please don't be shy.

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Edit: taken down for revision. Thanks for the comments!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Dec 18, 2014 5:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

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lawschool1741
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Re: Lay It On Me

Postby lawschool1741 » Tue Dec 16, 2014 12:28 pm

You have nice diction and construct your sentences well. Additionally, you make strong use of transition words/phrases. So, grammar/syntax/etc = spot on, if not maybe a bit over-the-top in prose.

What is your thesis? I am not sure of your exact intentions for this essay...anarchy + fasting + international foods = law school?

What schools are you applying to? Why?

To be honest, I tuned out for the most part somewhere in the first or second paragraph. You need to make your intro more compelling. Many times, it can be beneficial to think of an exact moment in time. Maybe how you feel during your fasts? Start there and describe the intensity, pain, and near-euphoric sense of power pumping through your veins as you conquer your primal needs. Then come back to reality and explain what it all means and why it made you determined to pursue a legal career and then specifically XXX school.

Anyways, just my two cents. You can clearly write, so just continue to refine.

PS - did you use the correct form of affect/effect? I can never get it right myself so IDK but worth double checking

Anonymous User
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Re: Lay It On Me

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Dec 16, 2014 4:24 pm

lawschool1741 wrote:You have nice diction and construct your sentences well. Additionally, you make strong use of transition words/phrases. So, grammar/syntax/etc = spot on, if not maybe a bit over-the-top in prose.

What is your thesis? I am not sure of your exact intentions for this essay...anarchy + fasting + international foods = law school?

What schools are you applying to? Why?

To be honest, I tuned out for the most part somewhere in the first or second paragraph. You need to make your intro more compelling. Many times, it can be beneficial to think of an exact moment in time. Maybe how you feel during your fasts? Start there and describe the intensity, pain, and near-euphoric sense of power pumping through your veins as you conquer your primal needs. Then come back to reality and explain what it all means and why it made you determined to pursue a legal career and then specifically XXX school.

Anyways, just my two cents. You can clearly write, so just continue to refine.

PS - did you use the correct form of affect/effect? I can never get it right myself so IDK but worth double checking


Thanks for your reply; very much appreciated.

Edit: revising essay.

Re. affect/effect, I think you use the former as a verb and the latter as a noun. So, I affect something, whereas something is an effect of what I did.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Dec 18, 2014 5:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

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lawschool1741
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Re: Lay It On Me

Postby lawschool1741 » Tue Dec 16, 2014 5:28 pm

Your comments reflect my insecurities with this essay as I want to get beyond being a pretty face and actually say something meaningful. I'm kind of stuck because as I said in my original post, I really have identified with the abstract ideals I attempt to draw parallels to, and I think including the academic/quasi-diversity bits are important parts of who I am.

In my opinion, all personal statements should be trying to prove the conclusion that the writer will succeed in law school (Z). From there, everyone has an original premise/intermediate conclusion that they use to prove that ultimate conclusion (Y). Mine is that I feel like I have purpose in the form of an organizing principle (personal wellness) that allows me to be high-functioning. The rest of the essay is about food, which I meant to serve as evidence/color (X) for the intermediate conclusion/additional premise of having an organizing principle/direction. So because X, I am Y; therefore because I am Y, I will Z.


So, what is your meaningful statement? That because [food], you are [higher-functioning/personal wellness]; therefore, you will [succeed in LS]?

To me, you would have to create quite the evidence/color surrounding this to have a real impact on the adcomms. Think about the PSs you will compete against - huge disability, URM, etc, etc. Does stating you care about Personal Wellness because of a parallel you drew from your experience with International Relations stand strong respectively?


Regarding anarchy, I felt like it was left unexplained but I had trouble doing so without losing the point of my essay. Essentially, scholars in international relations consensually agree that anarchy is the defining trait of the international political landscape; they use/need it to make further discussions coherent and intelligible. I am trying to say that I came to the conclusion that personal wellness, primarily dictated by food/lifestyle choices, is my own organizing principle from which everything else follows.


Very cool. I actually had/have no idea about this, but it seems to be quite powerful as a tool with which to operate within the International Relations realm. If you choose to include this parallel, which IMO you should, I would definitely flesh this out more as it is not necessarily apparent otherwise.


My GPA is 3.65+ and LSAT is 168+ (waiting on December score) and so I am applying to T-20 schools.


Congrats on the competitive GPA and on completing the LSAT. Best of luck for when the scores come in!

With your aspirations, all the more reason to continue to mold this PS into a powerful expression of motivations and self overall.


Lastly re. affect/effect, I think you use the former as a verb and the latter as a noun. So, I affect something, whereas something is an effect of what I did.


Yea...I think that ship has sailed for me, never gonna happen.

---
Conclusions:
(1) Make your intro POP
(2) Flesh out the parallels
(3) Maintain your voice/writing

So, I envision this becoming something to the effect of (in a remedial sense):

BOOM! Awesome, compelling description of a singular moment, and the mental and physical effects of fasting. [Insert thesis]

This was the moment that things became clear. [draw parallels]. Color, color, color.

Therefore, LS! and more importantly, your LS!

Granite
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Joined: Tue Dec 16, 2014 5:00 pm

Re: Lay It On Me

Postby Granite » Wed Dec 17, 2014 5:10 pm

Thanks for your help, lawschool1741. If you're willing, I'll send you my next draft after some further review. Please let me know if you have anything that I could take a look at so as to return the favor.

Also thanks again to those who have PMd me with comments.

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lawschool1741
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Re: Lay It On Me

Postby lawschool1741 » Wed Dec 17, 2014 6:46 pm

For sure, send it my way!

Finished applying for this cycle last week, but thanks for the offer!

JustDuke
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Re: Lay It On Me

Postby JustDuke » Thu Dec 18, 2014 4:25 am

How was your pooping?




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