Personal statement first draft please help...tell me what u

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Jackieb0688
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Dec 15, 2014 3:00 pm

Personal statement first draft please help...tell me what u

Postby Jackieb0688 » Mon Dec 15, 2014 3:56 pm

I reviewed a survey once that said that lawyers make up .36 percent of the population. Of that .36 percent only 4 percent of them are black. As a black woman from an inner city those numbers scare me. As a young black educated woman who has a desire to learn the law and knows that black people make up 13.2 percent of the population and approximately 40 percent of the jail population it terrifies me to know that lawyers who look like me are almost non existent. To many people those numbers don't mean anything however, to me that means everything.how can a population of people be so underrepresented in an area where they need it most. I'm not a woman who hates other races or blames other races for everything that is wrong with the black culture. I do however want to be apart of the solution rather than just another person complaining. In the wake of cases such as Trayvon Martin, Eric Garner, or even Kwame Ajamu a man who was just exonerated for murder after serving 27 years because of a witness who lied because police told him to. I feel it is my duty to educate myself and be an advocate for justice for everyone but especially people in under privilege areas.

You're probably thinking did I decide I wanted to go to law school just this year because of my references but that is not the case. I have wanted to be a lawyer for most of my life . I didn't have the courage to go for my dreams until now. I have felt this call to action that has made me realize my time is now. Throughout my college years and after I graduated I was told not to go to law school because there was a lack of jobs and it was to much work. Although those warnings made me delay my education I am glad it did not deter me. Regardless of what the career field lacks I know that it was meant for me. I don't mean to sound harsh with my facts and clear stance on the disapproval of the recent events that have had a huge race factor but I need my words to be filled with as much passion about why I want to become a lawyer as I feel.

I could go into a whole spill about how I'm an inner city girl who needs a chance to be all I can be but I will not. Truth is although I am from an inner city that is mostly seen on the news for its high crime or sports stars but believe it or not we have many other success stories. I consider myself a success story. I didn't become a statistic , I graduated from high school and even went on to graduate from in my opinion the best HBCU there is and might I add did so while coming from a two parent home. My point is I don't need putty because coming from where I come from I surpassed the expeditions that many people would stereotype me with. I have become a success story by simply following my dreams and now I want to take my life to the next level and become extraordinary. I need my personal statement to evoke my passion and to explain my passion until it is clear that I belong in law school so that one day I can be apart of change.

I would like to do a concentration in both criminal and business law. I believe that with knowledge in both concentrations I can help others as well as lead a life of fulfillment. I have been in search of a life path that could lead me to a place where my skills and the world's needs meet and law school helps to connect those dots for me. I know I can make a difference if given the chance.

JustDuke
Posts: 110
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2014 5:27 pm

Re: Personal statement first draft please help...tell me what u

Postby JustDuke » Mon Dec 15, 2014 5:31 pm

Well, that does sound more like an "Angry Black Woman Manifesto" rather then PS, but may be its not such a bad thing. It was a bit refreshing after reading all those "I am a white spoiled brat. I went to Ghana and Oakland to help the poors. Now, as I paid my duties to the society that I hope not to see ever again, I am applying to your LS" type of statements.

However, would you decide to stick with ABWM, some refining needs to be done:


I reviewed a survey once that said that lawyers make up .36 percent of the population. Of that .36 percent only 4 percent of them are black. As a black woman from an inner city those numbers scare me. As a young black educated woman who has a desire to learn the law and knows that black people make up 13.2 percent of the population and approximately 40 percent of the jail population it terrifies me to know that lawyers who look like me are almost non existent.


Thats just logical fallacy. You talk about blacks being underrepresented among lawyers. Fair enough. However lawyers making up 0.36 percent of population is completely irrelevant. The ratio is the key. Also check grammar on that one. Its pretty bad. Speaking of which since we are on subject. The grammar, missing pronouns, lower case letters staring sentences. Its kinda unacceptable even for the forum publication.

To many people those numbers don't mean anything however, to me that means everything.how can a population of people be so underrepresented in an area where they need it most.


I would avoid saying what it means for other people. Did you do the survey? It sounds accusatory. Speak what it means to you.

I'm not a woman who hates other races or blames other races for everything that is wrong with the black culture. I do however want to be apart of the solution rather than just another person complaining.


That just plain wrong and racist. Do not say "other races". I would be more like "I want to take a bigger part in this process". Rather then blaming implicitly others. It kinda sounds like "I am not a racist, but..."


In the wake of cases such as Trayvon Martin, Eric Garner, or even Kwame Ajamu a man who was just exonerated for murder after serving 27 years because of a witness who lied because police told him to.I feel it is my duty to educate myself and be an advocate for justice for everyone but especially people in under privilege areas.


Those cases are very bad examples. TM, EG and Fergusson - those were decided by jury. You basically saying that judicial system failed us. But do you have enough info to say that? Did you read all the witness accounts. Were you part of the process? How can you say that justice failed. Also, do not assume everyone is on bandwagon for those guys. Yes, few people supported the police, but still did so. How do you know the stance of admission committee? You dont. So better not to risk.

Also, those cases are "celelebrity cases" that had enough representation, including black lawyers. That's not exactly "underprivileged" areas. The cases that I would mention deal with black people not getting ANY representation. For example domestic violence cases in inner cities. Here we have a victim, probably black and female, and she is not getting any justice. Thats little bit better.

You're probably thinking did I decide I wanted to go to law school just this year because of my references but that is not the case.


Dont tell people what they are thinking. Ever

I have wanted to be a lawyer for most of my life . I didn't have the courage to go for my dreams until now. I have felt this call to action that has made me realize my time is now. Throughout my college years and after I graduated I was told not to go to law school because there was a lack of jobs and it was to much work. Although those warnings made me delay my education I am glad it did not deter me.Regardless of what the career field lacks I know that it was meant for me.


You just insulted the whope profession saying now jobs. While its true, its better to avoid that in PS. Also, you just showed that you have been warned but not listening to the warnings for no good reason. I am having doubts in your commom sense. Also, since we are on a subject. Its probably best not to go to LS, unless its full scholarship.

I don't mean to sound harsh with my facts and clear stance on the disapproval of the recent events that have had a huge race factor but I need my words to be filled with as much passion about why I want to become a lawyer as I feel.


Again, huge race factor. What exactly are you trying to change?

I could go into a whole spill about how I'm an inner city girl who needs a chance to be all I can be but I will not.


You just did

Truth is although I am from an inner city that is mostly seen on the news for its high crime or sports stars but believe it or not we have many other success stories. I consider myself a success story. I didn't become a statistic , I graduated from high school and even went on to graduate from in my opinion the best HBCU there is


Dont say that you graduated the best HBCU (whatever it is). Its just indecent. Harvard grad would never say he/she graduated the best college. The will be like "Graduated college that was very intellectually stimulating" or something. But never best.

and might I add did so while coming from a two parent home.


This is just confusing.

My point is I don't need putty because coming from where I come from I surpassed the expeditions that many people would stereotype me with.


I believe there are some typoes here. Also, agan, you are telling that people stereotye you. You cannot do that.

I have become a success story by simply following my dreams and now I want to take my life to the next level and become extraordinary. I need my personal statement to evoke my passion and to explain my passion until it is clear that I belong in law school so that one day I can be apart of change.


You are saying in PS what kind of feelings the reader should have? WTH is that?

I would like to do a concentration in both criminal and business law. I believe that with knowledge in both concentrations I can help others as well as lead a life of fulfillment.


At least its honest I guess.

I have been in search of a life path that could lead me to a place where my skills and the world's needs meet and law school helps to connect those dots for me. I know I can make a difference if given the chance.

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lawschool1741
Posts: 332
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2014 6:32 pm

Re: Personal statement first draft please help...tell me what u

Postby lawschool1741 » Mon Dec 15, 2014 5:48 pm

As pointed out above, grammar and syntax need to be improved greatly - punctuation (commas!!), introductory clauses ("I"), etc.

To me, your statement seems to say: "I am not going to be the stereotypical 'complain about race' minority, and to prove it here is some stereotypical complaints."

If this is indeed your PS (not DS), then IMO, you should focus more on the LS decision process (and hardships thereof) rather than life overall as an URM.

Jackieb0688
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Dec 15, 2014 3:00 pm

Re: Personal statement first draft please help...tell me what u

Postby Jackieb0688 » Mon Dec 15, 2014 6:50 pm

Thanks so much for your input I know it needs a huge amount of work like I said it was just a first draft of my thoughts and what I wanted to say just not sure I'm saying it in the right way but your pointers for sure help me see very clear. I appreciate all your help.




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