(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Postby janborn » Sat Dec 06, 2014 12:20 pm

Last edited by janborn on Sat Dec 13, 2014 10:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: upvote or not?

Postby nothingtosee » Sat Dec 06, 2014 12:24 pm

janborn wrote:My Path of Law
Before me my parents had given birth to three daughters, while in the rural China there was nothing more important than having a son to carry on the family name. From the perspective of culture, my birth relieved the family of heirless fear and secured my mother’s social status in the village particularly. Though a son meant greatly in the local culture, having more than one child went directly against with the law of One Child Policy. My father was fined heavily, and those didn’t pay would get their house demolished by government’s employees.
The government men always arrived on motorcycles, carrying big hammers wherever they went. Besides enforcing the punishment of demolishing houses, they were also in charge of capturing illegally pregnant women, who then would receive forced abortion in local clinics. The breakings of One Child Policy were so common that the law enforcers just tried to take away every pregnant woman they encountered. Having witnessed the capture quite a few times as a little boy, the dramatic scene of a big-belly woman escaping from several huge men really made me feel sick at the stomach. I couldn’t help fearing the woman would hurt herself or the baby, yet I forgot she was meant to be taken away for abortion.
A long time I have resented the crudity of One Child Policy for, yet when I grew older, I came to realize the cause of tragedies was much more complicated and lay deeper than any government’s policy.
There was one time my father took me to see the doctor for the tumor on my back neck. The doctor said he needed to perform an operation, but an anesthesia would probably affect the intelligence development of a little boy like me. My father said, “Then do it without anesthesia”. So my father held my head on his lap, and the doctor just cut the tumor open. The pain couldn’t be expressed in words, but the fear was even worse. I was so scared by the frictions between the steel knife and my neck bone that I couldn’t tell it was whether pain or fear that my tears were out of. Afterwards I was reluctant to thank them, nor to blame them.
The situation of One Child Policy is much the same. Though there is no way to justify the pain and tragedies this oversimplified policy created, we can’t deny its cultural and economic role in renewing the ancient Chinese nation. In my generation, fewer of us has preference on children’s gender and women’s rights are better protected in varied aspects.
Unlike my fellows in the small village of southeast China, I didn’t follow the traditional path of finishing middle school, learning a craft and starting a family at a young age. After graduated from the college, I went to the best law school in mainland China, and now I’m applying for JD program in United States. The measureless pain this ever-changing nation suffered convinced me of the vital importance of a good system of law. Looking back on my life so far, I believe it’s my destiny to choose a path of law.

Are you still in school? Does your school have a writing center? If so you should take this there. You need a native speaker to read through this - the lack of definite pronouns stand out. You also use British punctuation ". instead of ."
It's a great topic, but it's gonna need a lot of work, and I'm not sure all that work can be done on TLS.

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Re: upvote or not?

Postby Wieters » Fri Dec 12, 2014 5:06 am

I see what you're trying to do re. expressing your passion for ~social justice, but ultimately this statement is more about the Chinese health system than it is about you.


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Re: upvote or not?

Postby JustDuke » Sat Dec 13, 2014 7:22 pm

That was just bad. On so many levels I don't even know where to start

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Ron Don Volante

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Re: upvote or not?

Postby Ron Don Volante » Sat Dec 13, 2014 7:32 pm

I want to concur with what Duke kid said but in a less mean way.

More important: Is this actually why you want to go to law school? If so, this path is not a very good idea.

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