Critique my diversity statement? I'm very uncertain about it

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273381
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Critique my diversity statement? I'm very uncertain about it

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Dec 05, 2014 2:57 pm

.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sun Dec 07, 2014 4:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

whats an updog
Posts: 207
Joined: Thu Sep 11, 2014 2:12 am

Re: Critique my diversity statement? I'm very uncertain about it

Postby whats an updog » Sat Dec 06, 2014 11:39 am

Anonymous User wrote:From the age of seven, I remember watching through the cracked window of our one bedroom apartment as the kids next door were forcibly separated from their parents. From the age of ten, I remember driving back to our new home, in our new car, with a new dog. From the age of thirteen, I remember skiing the Swiss Alps, hiking through the Black Forest, and touring the Eiffel Tower.

These memories are each representative of the period of my childhood from which they stem. The first period spanned from my immigration to the United States as a toddler, all the way until the age of eight. My father and I had moved here from [Middle Eastern Country], and we weren’t exactly living in luxury. Our apartment was small, the neighborhood was dangerous, and my school was entirely reflective of the area we lived in.<- I would change this ending to something more concrete

While impactful,I was fortunate that this period of my life was only temporary. Despite being a single parent in a foreign country, my father was working towards his PhD. He achieved his doctorate as I was about to enter the fourth grade, and thus started the second period of my life. We bought a house in the suburbs, a car that wasn’t perpetually on the verge of failure, and I started to attend a school with much more rigorous academic standards.

I was about to enter the seventh grade when my life took yet another turn. My father was offered the opportunity to temporarily work in Germany, and he accepted. For two years we lived in Bühl, a small German town an hour east of France. There, I attended an international school with children from all over the world. I traveled to a variety of different countries, and learned a great deal about different cultures.

These three periods of my life have been invaluable. They have provided me with a first hand experience of socioeconomic disparities, they’ve given me a unique insight into a variety of cultural differences, and theyhave broadened my perspective on countless issues.


This is too broad, especially when you're saying things like "it was impactful." Why did it leave such a big impact? Just because it was dangerous? Don't leave me to connect dots here. I think you should pick one of these things and flesh it out. For example:

Essay A: I know what it's like to be poor
Para1: We were poor
Para2: It was tough because
Para3: I learned
Para4: That's why I'm different, how this lesson will impact my legal career, etc.

Essay B: I transitioned from being poor, and it was a welcome shock
1: We were poor and it was tough
2: Through my dad's hard work I got to a better school, but that had it's own challenges to adapt to
3: I learned
4: That's why I'm different, how this lesson will impact my legal career

Essay C: International upbringing
1: I always thought these things
2: I went to international school and met XYZ and had this experience
3: I learned
4: You get the picture

Naturally, you shouldn't follow these structures exactly, I just typed them up in a minute, but the point is you need to focus on something and tell me something that is actually unique - a story about specific experiences that inform your diversity. Otherwise you've just basically written "I'm diverse because I'm diverse."

User avatar
nothingtosee
Posts: 865
Joined: Tue May 03, 2011 12:08 am

Re: Critique my diversity statement? I'm very uncertain about it

Postby nothingtosee » Sat Dec 06, 2014 11:56 am

whats an updog wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:From the age of seven, I remember watching through the cracked window of our one bedroom apartment as the kids next door were forcibly separated from their parents. From the age of ten, I remember driving back to our new home, in our new car, with a new dog. From the age of thirteen, I remember skiing the Swiss Alps, hiking through the Black Forest, and touring the Eiffel Tower.

These memories are each representative of the period of my childhood from which they stem. The first period spanned from my immigration to the United States as a toddler, all the way until the age of eight. My father and I had moved here from [Middle Eastern Country], and we weren’t exactly living in luxury. Our apartment was small, the neighborhood was dangerous, and my school was entirely reflective of the area we lived in.<- I would change this ending to something more concrete

While impactful,I was fortunate that this period of my life was only temporary. Despite being a single parent in a foreign country, my father was working towards his PhD. He achieved his doctorate as I was about to enter the fourth grade, and thus started the second period of my life. We bought a house in the suburbs, a car that wasn’t perpetually on the verge of failure, and I started to attend a school with much more rigorous academic standards.

I was about to enter the seventh grade when my life took yet another turn. My father was offered the opportunity to temporarily work in Germany, and he accepted. For two years we lived in Bühl, a small German town an hour east of France. There, I attended an international school with children from all over the world. I traveled to a variety of different countries, and learned a great deal about different cultures.

These three periods of my life have been invaluable. They have provided me with a first hand experience of socioeconomic disparities, they’ve given me a unique insight into a variety of cultural differences, and theyhave broadened my perspective on countless issues.


This is too broad, especially when you're saying things like "it was impactful." Why did it leave such a big impact? Just because it was dangerous? Don't leave me to connect dots here. I think you should pick one of these things and flesh it out. For example:

Essay A: I know what it's like to be poor
Para1: We were poor
Para2: It was tough because
Para3: I learned
Para4: That's why I'm different, how this lesson will impact my legal career, etc.

Essay B: I transitioned from being poor, and it was a welcome shock
1: We were poor and it was tough
2: Through my dad's hard work I got to a better school, but that had it's own challenges to adapt to
3: I learned
4: That's why I'm different, how this lesson will impact my legal career

Essay C: International upbringing
1: I always thought these things
2: I went to international school and met XYZ and had this experience
3: I learned
4: You get the picture

Naturally, you shouldn't follow these structures exactly, I just typed them up in a minute, but the point is you need to focus on something and tell me something that is actually unique - a story about specific experiences that inform your diversity. Otherwise you've just basically written "I'm diverse because I'm diverse."


This is good advice.

From your first paragraph I was kind of turned off by the European gallivanting. Which missed the point of the statement, I think, but your first paragraph is going to be the lens the rest of the statement is read through. You need a bit of a thesis statement just so the reader knows "the point of this statement is X."

Anonymous User
Posts: 273381
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Critique my diversity statement? I'm very uncertain about it

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Dec 07, 2014 3:43 am

Thank you so much for the feedback guys. I revised my diversity statement according to your recommendations. I actually posted it here: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=240592 if either of you would mind giving it a look.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.