Personal Statement Help Please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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UOI4430
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Personal Statement Help Please

Postby UOI4430 » Mon Dec 01, 2014 11:31 pm

XXXXXXXX
Last edited by UOI4430 on Fri Jan 09, 2015 5:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ballcaps
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Re: Personal Statement Help Please

Postby ballcaps » Wed Dec 03, 2014 8:45 pm

needs a lot of editing, but the ideas are great imo. i'll try to PM you edits in the next day or two.

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UOI4430
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Re: Personal Statement Help Please

Postby UOI4430 » Fri Dec 05, 2014 4:19 pm

ballcaps wrote:needs a lot of editing, but the ideas are great imo. i'll try to PM you edits in the next day or two.


Thanks for that. I have been struggling with this s.o.b. PS for a few weeks now.

whats an updog
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Re: Personal Statement Help Please

Postby whats an updog » Sat Dec 06, 2014 12:01 pm

UOI4430 wrote:Hi TLS friends,

Just decided to post it. Please be brutal.

As a delivery driver at XXXXX Pizza, I live in the perpetual state of lateness. Between the shouts of the waiters to the kitchen and the deafening music and the cloud of vulgarity that floats in the kitchen air and the ringing of phones and the manger’s burly growl voice commanding, “if you have time to lean, you have time to clean,” and the crashing of glasses that customers never seem to stop knocking off the bar, drivers are required to organize and execute deliveries. I have to keep the pedal pinned if I want to make up the time I invariably lose waiting for the kitchen to pull the crispy pies from the ovens. In order to make enough in tips I, like most delivery drivers, live by the mantra, drive fast and take chances. The job is not great. There are certain indignities that come along with being a pizza delivery driver. I have handled mountains of garbage, scrubbed away abhorrent bathroom disasters, and have been on the receiving end of barrages of expletive-laden insults. My intelligence has been challenged by customers on more than one occasion. Nothing in my life has been quite so humbling as working in the service industry. How did I come to work this job?

As a young adult my grandparents had promised that they would pay for my college education. However, the economic recession had a tremendously negative effect on their financeswhich was not apparent to me until after my first year of college at the University of XXXXX. Just a few days before I was meant to start my sophomore year at University of XXXXX, a difficult phone call from my grandparents changed my expectations. They briefly informed me of their financial situation which effectively meant that they could no longer afford to pay for my education. I moved back to City, State to live at home and transferred to XXXXXX University. Even at a less expensive school, the cost of tuition, books, etc. was much more than I could afford. I knew that I would need to find a job.

What I found was a job delivering pizzas.. I made minimum wage with most of my income coming by way of the small tips I made on each delivery. I was determined to make enough money to support myself through school, so I suctioned the luminous XXXXXX Pizza trapezoid to the top of my car and as knocked on as many doors as I could. My car smelled like burnt cheese and tire rubber. I often worked more than forty hours a week in the bustling restaurant next to the sweltering industrial ovens. I spent what little time I had left studying on campus in the stillness of the library. My work and school schedule, although grueling, gave me a new sense of focus. I understood the necessity of getting the best grades I could so I could move on to professional studies. I knew that I would have to count on myself moving forward both financially and academically.

Pizza delivery was good to me. The hundreds of hours washing dishes and thousands of miles added to my dinged up Subaru had paid off. I made enough money after a year that not only was I paying for school, but I was paying for an independent trip to Europe. I had barely ever been out of the country and I had never traveled alone before. The month I spent in Europe crashing from city to city at a frenetic pace proved to me that I could survive on my own. I returned to work with a renewed sense purpose. I did not just want to see more of Europe, I wanted to see the entire world. I still do. I added several thousand more miles to my Subaru and less than a year later, I was enrolled in XXXXX University in XXXXX, Czech Republic. The XXXXX Pizza ownership was so pleased with my work that they kept my position reserved for the entire five months I was living in Europe. Now I am perpetually planning the next trip and each delivery brings me a couple dollars closer.

Though I am in the debt of my tremendous professors and my family for their unwavering support and encouragement, I feel great pride for having worked to pay for my own education. I recognize that hard work is rewarded and small steps taken together can (lead to/create/manifest/become) big opportunities. Becoming a delivery driver was better for me than any motivational cliche. Having a tight schedule helped me to focus on improving academically and strengthening the skills that would serve me well in the future. I wanted to see more than (City, State) so I drove hard and fast and made enough money pushing pies to travel to Europe and the Middle East. I will determine the outcomes of my work and my education. I have taken advantage of the financial opportunities, small though they may seem, that delivering pizzas offers. Pizza delivery is far from glamorous and is sometimes seen as(?) detestable, but it is essential to who I am -- a hard-worker, a scholar, a traveler, and a soon-to-be law student.


You have a good voice, and although this seems a bit long (I don't remember how long PS have to be), it's overall good. I made a couple changes that I thought would be better (in red) and things that I think you should change (in blue). For example, using tremendous twice isn't terrible, but you could probably come up with a better word for one of those usages. Same with two "becomes" so close to each other, so I added some possible suggestions for the first phrasing. That's all. I think it's pretty strong.

The only other thing I'd say is that the part where you suction the trapezoid to the top could use something extra. Like, "I took a deep breath and suctioned," or a little more something. It's good, but feels like it needs a kick. I will leave you with that hyper-vague advice. Good luck.

- From a former Chinese food delivery driver

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UOI4430
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Re: Personal Statement Help Please

Postby UOI4430 » Sun Dec 07, 2014 4:12 pm

whats an updog wrote:
UOI4430 wrote:Hi TLS friends,

Just decided to post it. Please be brutal.

As a delivery driver at XXXXX Pizza, I live in the perpetual state of lateness. Between the shouts of the waiters to the kitchen and the deafening music and the cloud of vulgarity that floats in the kitchen air and the ringing of phones and the manger’s burly growl voice commanding, “if you have time to lean, you have time to clean,” and the crashing of glasses that customers never seem to stop knocking off the bar, drivers are required to organize and execute deliveries. I have to keep the pedal pinned if I want to make up the time I invariably lose waiting for the kitchen to pull the crispy pies from the ovens. In order to make enough in tips I, like most delivery drivers, live by the mantra, drive fast and take chances. The job is not great. There are certain indignities that come along with being a pizza delivery driver. I have handled mountains of garbage, scrubbed away abhorrent bathroom disasters, and have been on the receiving end of barrages of expletive-laden insults. My intelligence has been challenged by customers on more than one occasion. Nothing in my life has been quite so humbling as working in the service industry. How did I come to work this job?

As a young adult my grandparents had promised that they would pay for my college education. However, the economic recession had a tremendously negative effect on their financeswhich was not apparent to me until after my first year of college at the University of XXXXX. Just a few days before I was meant to start my sophomore year at University of XXXXX, a difficult phone call from my grandparents changed my expectations. They briefly informed me of their financial situation which effectively meant that they could no longer afford to pay for my education. I moved back to City, State to live at home and transferred to XXXXXX University. Even at a less expensive school, the cost of tuition, books, etc. was much more than I could afford. I knew that I would need to find a job.

What I found was a job delivering pizzas.. I made minimum wage with most of my income coming by way of the small tips I made on each delivery. I was determined to make enough money to support myself through school, so I suctioned the luminous XXXXXX Pizza trapezoid to the top of my car and as knocked on as many doors as I could. My car smelled like burnt cheese and tire rubber. I often worked more than forty hours a week in the bustling restaurant next to the sweltering industrial ovens. I spent what little time I had left studying on campus in the stillness of the library. My work and school schedule, although grueling, gave me a new sense of focus. I understood the necessity of getting the best grades I could so I could move on to professional studies. I knew that I would have to count on myself moving forward both financially and academically.

Pizza delivery was good to me. The hundreds of hours washing dishes and thousands of miles added to my dinged up Subaru had paid off. I made enough money after a year that not only was I paying for school, but I was paying for an independent trip to Europe. I had barely ever been out of the country and I had never traveled alone before. The month I spent in Europe crashing from city to city at a frenetic pace proved to me that I could survive on my own. I returned to work with a renewed sense purpose. I did not just want to see more of Europe, I wanted to see the entire world. I still do. I added several thousand more miles to my Subaru and less than a year later, I was enrolled in XXXXX University in XXXXX, Czech Republic. The XXXXX Pizza ownership was so pleased with my work that they kept my position reserved for the entire five months I was living in Europe. Now I am perpetually planning the next trip and each delivery brings me a couple dollars closer.

Though I am in the debt of my tremendous professors and my family for their unwavering support and encouragement, I feel great pride for having worked to pay for my own education. I recognize that hard work is rewarded and small steps taken together can (lead to/create/manifest/become) big opportunities. Becoming a delivery driver was better for me than any motivational cliche. Having a tight schedule helped me to focus on improving academically and strengthening the skills that would serve me well in the future. I wanted to see more than (City, State) so I drove hard and fast and made enough money pushing pies to travel to Europe and the Middle East. I will determine the outcomes of my work and my education. I have taken advantage of the financial opportunities, small though they may seem, that delivering pizzas offers. Pizza delivery is far from glamorous and is sometimes seen as(?) detestable, but it is essential to who I am -- a hard-worker, a scholar, a traveler, and a soon-to-be law student.


You have a good voice, and although this seems a bit long (I don't remember how long PS have to be), it's overall good. I made a couple changes that I thought would be better (in red) and things that I think you should change (in blue). For example, using tremendous twice isn't terrible, but you could probably come up with a better word for one of those usages. Same with two "becomes" so close to each other, so I added some possible suggestions for the first phrasing. That's all. I think it's pretty strong.

The only other thing I'd say is that the part where you suction the trapezoid to the top could use something extra. Like, "I took a deep breath and suctioned," or a little more something. It's good, but feels like it needs a kick. I will leave you with that hyper-vague advice. Good luck.

- From a former Chinese food delivery driver


Thanks for the edits! I was also thinking that it is a bit long. Delivery driving is a bitch, right?

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rinkrat19
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Re: Personal Statement Help Please

Postby rinkrat19 » Sun Dec 07, 2014 4:36 pm

It's almost 3.5 pages. You need to get it under 3 for most schools and down to 2 pages for a few.




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