really stuck with my PS, thoughts appreciated

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Anonymous User
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really stuck with my PS, thoughts appreciated

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Nov 29, 2014 12:15 am

thanks
Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Dec 03, 2014 1:29 pm, edited 3 times in total.

lmr
Posts: 252
Joined: Tue Sep 14, 2010 7:22 am

Re: really stuck with my PS, thoughts appreciated

Postby lmr » Sat Nov 29, 2014 12:54 am

Was interested up until you started talking about all the stuff you've done-that's boring and regurgitating your resume- reader doesn't care. I feel like people are so afraid to be emotional and just tell a real story in their PS when that's what people really want to read. What were the circumstances of your assault? I think that should be shared in the PS if you are going to claim that it was what motivated you to go to law school. Your reasons for wanting to go to law school are very very vague and not articulated properly-seems so abstract. I think you should focus your PS better and tell a better story by removing the references to the things you've done during UG and think of an articulable reason as to why you want to go to law school not just understanding legal system and make a difference bc reader doesn't know what that means and it comes across as naive and unfocused.

Anonymous User
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Re: really stuck with my PS, thoughts appreciated

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Nov 29, 2014 1:03 am

OP here:

thank you for that. i'm not sure what you mean by "focus your PS better and tell a better story". how do i incorporate the qualities adcom look for + include a why law AND tell a story? and insight would be helpful. I'm really stuck and I would love to hear how you would tailor this story to make it stronger PS

edit: what do you think about the paragraph dealing with change?

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appind
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Re: really stuck with my PS, thoughts appreciated

Postby appind » Sat Nov 29, 2014 4:27 pm

This can be a very strong ps, but here are a couple of quick things that can be improved.

It moves from the story about your visit to the ER when you were bruised to a need for change real quick. There isn't a connection made to the extent that the reader will easily see it. I think you need to describe it further. You can probably cut down some stuff from the last para where it feels like a reiteration of the some of work you did during undergrad. For example, the sentence about trying to bring the change in the small community in the last para is probably not needed; you have described the change before.

Another is that, even though if one looks closely it's clear that the you first describe the visit to ER as a patient and then talk about your earlier experience as a scribe to come back to the visit to ER when bruised again, but it may help if you make this transition much more clear in the second para or in the first para itself. Also mention the activity only if you served and not just applied to serve.

Anonymous User
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Re: really stuck with my PS, thoughts appreciated

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Dec 01, 2014 1:31 pm

appind wrote:This can be a very strong ps, but here are a couple of quick things that can be improved.

It moves from the story about your visit to the ER when you were bruised to a need for change real quick. There isn't a connection made to the extent that the reader will easily see it. I think you need to describe it further. You can probably cut down some stuff from the last para where it feels like a reiteration of the some of work you did during undergrad. For example, the sentence about trying to bring the change in the small community in the last para is probably not needed; you have described the change before.

Another is that, even though if one looks closely it's clear that the you first describe the visit to ER as a patient and then talk about your earlier experience as a scribe to come back to the visit to ER when bruised again, but it may help if you make this transition much more clear in the second para or in the first para itself. Also mention the activity only if you served and not just applied to serve.


i've taken your advice and the previous posters and amended my PS. Can you give it a read? It is posted in my original post as edited. I improved grammar and writing flow and attempted to articulate my reasons for law school more clearer. As for the "resume-sounding" section, every person I've talked to (including law students who are attending the law school of my choice and who have read over this PS) said that having such a thing is good because it shows concrete examples. I've looked at the AMAZING PS posted on this forum and quite frankly I haven't had experiences that life changing and I am only a K-JD so I want to highlight what i've done and why thats important. I wanted to show my application has a theme.

please let me know of your thoughts on the edited version

Anonymous User
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Re: really stuck with my PS, thoughts appreciated

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Dec 01, 2014 1:32 pm

sorry for adding on but can you guys help me brainstorm other reasons law school can help me in trying to promote a safer community? i know this is an AWFUL question to ask from an applicant but i wanted to have more in that last paragraph

CanadianWolf
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Re: really stuck with my PS, thoughts appreciated

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Dec 01, 2014 2:04 pm

"law degree", not "legal degree" (paragraph 6)
"led", not "lend" (paragraph 4)

Overall, this law school application essay is effective at showing your maturation through experience.




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