rewriting...

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
janborn
Posts: 29
Joined: Sat Jul 19, 2014 3:04 am

rewriting...

Postby janborn » Tue Nov 25, 2014 10:21 am

deleted
Last edited by janborn on Thu Dec 04, 2014 4:51 am, edited 2 times in total.

Ehrler
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue Apr 29, 2014 7:39 pm

Re: My final draft, more or less...

Postby Ehrler » Tue Nov 25, 2014 6:22 pm

First and foremost, this is not your final draft. If you have a friend who is an intelligent native speaker/writer of US English, have him proofread it carefully. They'll forgive you for being foreign born, but give you a lot of extra credit if the draft is flawless.

Second, the film theme is a little gimmicky and it doesn't seem like you really need it. You could make it about the women in your life and what you mean to each other: Mother, Sisters (and the relevant laws about them), and love interest.

Third, saying you're going to American law school for a girl is a very bad idea. You can tell the same story but talk about how you wanted to be like the ambitious guy who got the girl and needed to do something great with your life as well, but you seem to say you're going to win over this girl in particular. That screams immaturity and even psychosis to an American admissions person. I'm hoping this is just a cultural thing and that you aren't actually crazy, but you do also seem to think law school will make you happy so...

Writing and stories are actually solid though. Just get a proof, reconsider the theme, and fix the last story at least a little bit.

User avatar
4LTsPointingNorth
Posts: 101
Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2014 9:17 am

Re: My final draft, more or less...

Postby 4LTsPointingNorth » Wed Nov 26, 2014 12:04 pm

I agree with Ehrler.

Also, OP, you seem like an interesting guy. Out of curiosity, why study law? Why in America? Why is it a "necessity" as you put it?

Content aside, your current draft demonstrates most clearly that you need to improve your English fluency if you plan to study law in America. You don't want to be learning English at the same time you're learning about the law.

Best of luck.

janborn
Posts: 29
Joined: Sat Jul 19, 2014 3:04 am

Re: My final draft, more or less...

Postby janborn » Thu Nov 27, 2014 12:02 am

Thanks for your opinion, it's really helpful.
It's really difficult for me to handle delicate emotion topics in English. Maybe i should just delete the third story?

Ehrler wrote:First and foremost, this is not your final draft. If you have a friend who is an intelligent native speaker/writer of US English, have him proofread it carefully. They'll forgive you for being foreign born, but give you a lot of extra credit if the draft is flawless.

Second, the film theme is a little gimmicky and it doesn't seem like you really need it. You could make it about the women in your life and what you mean to each other: Mother, Sisters (and the relevant laws about them), and love interest.

Third, saying you're going to American law school for a girl is a very bad idea. You can tell the same story but talk about how you wanted to be like the ambitious guy who got the girl and needed to do something great with your life as well, but you seem to say you're going to win over this girl in particular. That screams immaturity and even psychosis to an American admissions person. I'm hoping this is just a cultural thing and that you aren't actually crazy, but you do also seem to think law school will make you happy so...

Writing and stories are actually solid though. Just get a proof, reconsider the theme, and fix the last story at least a little bit.

janborn
Posts: 29
Joined: Sat Jul 19, 2014 3:04 am

Re: My final draft, more or less...

Postby janborn » Thu Nov 27, 2014 12:08 am

Yes, writing in English has always been painful for me. I don't practice it much, if any, but my listening, reading and speaking are quite all right, so I guess it won't be too much challenge to study law in U.S..
In fact, could you help me with my writing? It seems there are a lot of mistakes in my P.S., I will appreciate it if you can point out some of them.
Thanks!


4LTsPointingNorth wrote:I agree with Ehrler.

Also, OP, you seem like an interesting guy. Out of curiosity, why study law? Why in America? Why is it a "necessity" as you put it?

Content aside, your current draft demonstrates most clearly that you need to improve your English fluency if you plan to study law in America. You don't want to be learning English at the same time you're learning about the law.

Best of luck.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.