Personal Statement Review

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Personal Statement Review

Postby dustybottoms7 » Fri Nov 21, 2014 6:29 pm

If you have the time to read through my ps and let me know what you guys think, I would greatly appreciate. Don't be afraid to be harsh :twisted:

It was in 2005 when I first thought to myself, “Why me?” This was shortly after it had first been discovered that precancerous cells had invaded my esophagus. After countless stomach aches had left me constrained to my bed and missing precious school hours, I finally underwent an endoscopy in 2004, which left me diagnosed with acid reflux. Upon my second of what would be an annual endoscopy, a tissue sample was taken and sent off to the lab. Only a few weeks later, my parents would be sitting me down to give me the biggest wake-up call that I have had in my life.
The memory is as fresh in my head as (insert simile here); I had just gotten home from playing basketball at my neighbor’s house, and my parents were sitting in the living room and had asked me to sit down with them. This is when they told me that the tissue sample they took during my endoscopy had been tested as positive for containing precancerous cells. Just the term ‘precancerous’ had made me apprehensive, but what really had me nervous was the distraught, anxious look on the face of both of my parents. I remember my dad being brutally honest with me; he told me that if this condition were to get worse and the cells became cancerous, it could very likely be terminal.
A later appointment with my doctor led me to realize that an entire lifestyle change would be needed. As a typical child going into my teenage years, my favorite foods (and a good majority of my diet) consisted of hamburgers, pasta loaded with tomato sauce, chocolate, and the ever so tempting cheese pizza. When my doctor told me that all of these palatable food items could be potential exacerbations to my issue, I was heart broken to say the least but knew that there was a bigger picture to think about and that I needed to turn my diet around.
I have always been somewhat of a night owl and one of my beloved memories as a child was staying up late until my dad got home from his late night shift to enjoy a prodigious bowl of Reese’s Puffs with him. After not seeing him the majority of the day, this was the time that I would look forward to spending with him. One of the restrictions under my new prognosis was that I should not eat at least two hours before going to sleep, which was a huge hinderance on my weekly routine with my father. No longer was I able to relish upon this special time with him, but we both understood that this was for the better.
Just one year after completely transforming my diet, I underwent another endoscopy and a tissue sample was taken. We later found out that the precancerous cells had subsided, but there would always be the possibility of them returning; something that I was going to do everything in my power to evade. Although I was young and could not quite grasp the detriment of obtaining cancer, I knew that it was not what I wanted to go through. This served as my opportunity to gain a new perspective/outlook on life, one in which I would not let anything stand in between me and my goals. or I realized could come to a halt at any moment and to go after whatever I wanted with no looking back.
Due to my new outlook/perspective on life, I seized the things that I wanted do that I did not think I could otherwise have accomplished. Hard work was the number one factor in any of my accomplishments. If something such as a position on a team or a grade in a class was within reach/attainable, hard work would be enough to get me there. In just a few years, I went from the mindset of, “Why me?,” to “Why not me?” During this time, I managed to make my high school baseball team and raise my GPA to a level that surmounted my pre-acid reflux days.
Another huge goal of mine was to move off to college nowhere near my hometown in southern California and get a true college experience of living on my own. This could not have been accomplished without all the long hours of employment that I put in since I was only 16. I have been working ever since because it is something that I know will help me reach my next goal in life, attending law school. This has been an objective of mine since the beginning of college. I knew that if I wanted to attend a dream law school, such as (insert school here), and practice law the way that I want to, then I was going to have to bust my butt in college, which is exactly what I did. It is not as if anything prior to my acid reflux was something to look down upon, but ever since my close-to-be near-death experience, I have been on a roll and do not plan on stopping anytime soon.

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Re: Personal Statement Review

Postby Gefuehlsecht » Fri Nov 21, 2014 11:46 pm

I would suggest that you re-evaluate this topic. Illnesses and diseases are a topic which is difficult to pull off and I am not sure that you succeed at that feat. I understand that your diagnosis was scary and that it must have been difficult to change your diet, but I can't say that I care too much whether or not you can eat cheese pizza or pasta these days. Same thing goes for the cereal ritual with your father. It's too bad you couldn't eat at that time he came home anymore, but find something else to do with your old man then. Play chess. Talk, I don't know, something. I just don't see this as a big issue. Also, replace dad with father.

Finally, in the last two paragraphs, your writing goes off the rails and you start using expressions which are unfit for a personal statement. Even if you stick with this topic, you should really consider completely overhauling the last part.

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