mist4bison wrote:I decided to be nicer in my response...
I think this PS focuses on too many different elements and doesn't really come off as positive. You should focus on one specific aspect/story rather than telling a life story. I also didn't find you very relatable or likeable when reading the PS. The idea that your fathers death was harder for you than him made me cringe a little. Your discussion of how you realize you didn't struggle, but you still hated feeling pity made me hate you just a little bit. Being poor as a teenager is a disappointment, not a challenge. I read you quitting the army and admitting it wasn't honorable as you being, well, a quitter.
As someone above said, show don't tell. I however would not use any of this as a diversity statement. Having a sick father is sad, no doubt, but I wouldn't call it a diversity. Maybe I'm mistaken there or maybe it's just the way I expect you to write about it based upon this draft.
ETA: You literally end with "Oh, and I have a daughter. She's why I want to go to law school." Why would you not make your PS about her then? Jesus..
Yeah, I wouldn't write about the sick dad in the diversity statement, but for example, lots of people write about how having served in the military would allow them to bring a different perspective to the classroom. Alaird, look at MS9's thread for more on diversity statements. Karen B. has said a lot about them there and it might help you have a better understanding of a DS & whether or not you want to discuss any parts of your background in one.