Motives/Story/sales pitch

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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hillz
Posts: 1050
Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:41 pm

Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby hillz » Wed Nov 19, 2014 11:01 am

mist4bison wrote:I decided to be nicer in my response...

I think this PS focuses on too many different elements and doesn't really come off as positive. You should focus on one specific aspect/story rather than telling a life story. I also didn't find you very relatable or likeable when reading the PS. The idea that your fathers death was harder for you than him made me cringe a little. Your discussion of how you realize you didn't struggle, but you still hated feeling pity made me hate you just a little bit. Being poor as a teenager is a disappointment, not a challenge. I read you quitting the army and admitting it wasn't honorable as you being, well, a quitter.

As someone above said, show don't tell. I however would not use any of this as a diversity statement. Having a sick father is sad, no doubt, but I wouldn't call it a diversity. Maybe I'm mistaken there or maybe it's just the way I expect you to write about it based upon this draft.

ETA: You literally end with "Oh, and I have a daughter. She's why I want to go to law school." Why would you not make your PS about her then? Jesus..



Yeah, I wouldn't write about the sick dad in the diversity statement, but for example, lots of people write about how having served in the military would allow them to bring a different perspective to the classroom. Alaird, look at Spivey's thread for more on diversity statements. Karen B. has said a lot about them there and it might help you have a better understanding of a DS & whether or not you want to discuss any parts of your background in one.

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El Pollito
party fowl
Posts: 17908
Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2013 2:11 pm

Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby El Pollito » Sat May 23, 2015 9:35 am

starry eyed wrote:
fats provolone wrote:hypothetically, if you were to kill yourself, what would happen to your trust fund?


two year old daughter gets it

seems real

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starry eyed
Posts: 2048
Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2014 11:26 am

Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Sat May 23, 2015 9:36 am

LOL chicken, how long did it take you to dig up this gem




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