Motives/Story/sales pitch

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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starry eyed
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Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 8:36 am

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Last edited by starry eyed on Tue Nov 18, 2014 6:31 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 8:58 am

Feedback is welcome

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4LTsPointingNorth
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby 4LTsPointingNorth » Tue Nov 18, 2014 12:01 pm

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Last edited by 4LTsPointingNorth on Sun Mar 08, 2015 2:46 am, edited 2 times in total.

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 2:01 pm

Thank you very much for that reply, you don't know how much that input might help in putting me in a law school that I might be on the verge of getting in, In my resume I listed my experiences as a basic training platoon leader and an airborne school chalk leader. I also was in charge of officers in this positions. Do you think i should put in my PS?

The family part was meant to explain why I haven't done many EC activities. I just started tutoring though. I suppose I could add that?

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 2:36 pm

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Last edited by starry eyed on Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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4LTsPointingNorth
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby 4LTsPointingNorth » Tue Nov 18, 2014 2:50 pm

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Last edited by 4LTsPointingNorth on Sun Mar 08, 2015 2:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

HRomanus
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby HRomanus » Tue Nov 18, 2014 2:56 pm

Your revision is even worse.

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:05 pm

HRomanus wrote:Your revision is even worse.


U mad bruh? I see this site has sapped your spirit, you'll be alright bro. You either die a spongebob or live long enough to see yourself become a squidward, stick that quote in your ps, lmao

HRomanus
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby HRomanus » Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:16 pm

alaird21 wrote:
HRomanus wrote:Your revision is even worse.


U mad bruh? I see this site has sapped your spirit, you'll be alright bro. You either die a spongebob or live long enough to see yourself become a squidward, stick that quote in your ps, lmao


Hahaha holy shit.

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:36 pm

lol. considering my numbers are both above the 75th percentiles, i think i'll be ok. being a paralegal for a year seems terrible lol

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fats provolone
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby fats provolone » Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:44 pm

hypothetically, if you were to kill yourself, what would happen to your trust fund?

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:55 pm

fats provolone wrote:hypothetically, if you were to kill yourself, what would happen to your trust fund?


two year old daughter gets it

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:55 pm

alaird21 wrote:
fats provolone wrote:hypothetically, if you were to kill yourself, what would happen to your trust fund?


two year old daughter gets it


My dad made sure to protect it from wives when he set it up

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:58 pm

In all seriousness, was the revision really worse? I hate this kind of stuff.

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fats provolone
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby fats provolone » Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:05 pm

alaird21 wrote:
alaird21 wrote:
fats provolone wrote:hypothetically, if you were to kill yourself, what would happen to your trust fund?


two year old daughter gets it


My dad made sure to protect it from wives when he set it up

that's hilarious. is he a lawyer?

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:10 pm

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Last edited by starry eyed on Sat May 23, 2015 9:38 am, edited 3 times in total.

HRomanus
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby HRomanus » Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:10 pm

alaird21 wrote:In all seriousness, was the revision really worse? I hate this kind of stuff.


alaird21 wrote:U mad bruh? I see this site has sapped your spirit, you'll be alright bro. You either die a spongebob or live long enough to see yourself become a squidward, stick that quote in your ps, lmao

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:10 pm

fats provolone wrote:
alaird21 wrote:
alaird21 wrote:
fats provolone wrote:hypothetically, if you were to kill yourself, what would happen to your trust fund?


two year old daughter gets it


My dad made sure to protect it from wives when he set it up

that's hilarious. is he a lawyer?

y

yessir, midlaw

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hillz
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby hillz » Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:11 pm

In all honesty, I think much of your PS might be better used in a diversity statement. I didn't learn much about why you would be a good law student (other than that you have overcome adversity) and you did a lot of telling rather than showing. Like someone said above, the part about you leaving makes you sound more like a quitter than anything else and it doesn't come across like I am sure you intend.

You might consider picking a more specific moment/life experience to discuss. I think it would be better than trying to give a life narrative like you did here. Additionally, the whole essay is written a little too casually. Writing a PS is tough, I know. Keep at it.

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:12 pm

he's dead now, hence trust

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:12 pm

hillz wrote:In all honesty, I think much of your PS might be better used in a diversity statement. I didn't learn much about why you would be a good law student (other than that you have overcome adversity) and you did a lot of telling rather than showing. Like someone said above, the part about you leaving makes you sound more like a quitter than anything else and it doesn't come across like I am sure you intend.

You might consider picking a more specific moment/life experience to discuss. I think it would be better than trying to give a life narrative like you did here. Additionally, the whole essay is written a little too casually. Writing a PS is tough, I know. Keep at it.


That makes sense.

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mist4bison
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby mist4bison » Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:24 pm

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Last edited by mist4bison on Tue Oct 06, 2015 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 6:03 pm

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Last edited by starry eyed on Sat May 23, 2015 9:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

HRomanus
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby HRomanus » Tue Nov 18, 2014 6:24 pm

alaird21 wrote:U mad bruh? I see this site has sapped your spirit, you'll be alright bro. You either die a spongebob or live long enough to see yourself become a squidward, stick that quote in your ps, lmao


viewtopic.php?f=10&t=239843

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starry eyed
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Re: Motives/Story/sales pitch

Postby starry eyed » Tue Nov 18, 2014 6:37 pm

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Last edited by starry eyed on Sat May 23, 2015 9:39 am, edited 1 time in total.




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