Please critique PS - Helping a man to read

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

How would you rate the PS?

5 (excellent)
0
No votes
4 (very good, but work on grammar and word choice)
0
No votes
3 (eh, its not bad but needs a LOT of improvement)
1
20%
2 (not a fan)
0
No votes
1 (please delete this shitt)
3
60%
0
1
20%
 
Total votes: 5

Anonymous User
Posts: 273139
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Please critique PS - Helping a man to read

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:54 am

deleted
Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

HRomanus
Posts: 1307
Joined: Wed Nov 06, 2013 8:45 pm

Re: Please critique PS - Helping a man to read

Postby HRomanus » Tue Nov 18, 2014 10:47 am

Nope. Couldn't even understand the narrative with your cutesy stuff dominating it.

User avatar
Big Red
Posts: 3010
Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2014 1:29 pm

Re: Please critique PS - Helping a man to read

Postby Big Red » Tue Nov 18, 2014 11:18 am

.
Last edited by Big Red on Tue May 05, 2015 11:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
DCfilterDC
Posts: 2665
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 11:55 pm

Re: Please critique PS - Helping a man to read

Postby DCfilterDC » Tue Nov 18, 2014 11:26 am

Honestly, my personal statement isn't all that great, but I think this is pretty poor and needs to be totally re-worked.

First of all... what is that beginning... It seems like either a screenplay or something Henry James wrote. The narrative structure doesn't really work, especially since all I've really learned for the first 70% of this is about him and his life experience with you throwing in allusions to your tears.

The "I am no longer in pain as I stare into the mirror. The numbness is gone and the memories slowly fade," made me groan. I don't understand why you were in India in the first place.

I think you have a really strong story here, and an impressive "action" that you took with raising the money. But develop that story more and delete the first 50%.

Again, just my 2 cents.

User avatar
Gefuehlsecht
Posts: 113
Joined: Sat Sep 19, 2009 12:20 am

Re: Please critique PS - Helping a man to read

Postby Gefuehlsecht » Tue Nov 18, 2014 2:59 pm

No. Just no.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273139
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Please critique PS - Helping a man to read

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:39 pm

OP here: thank you for the comments. I took a look at the example personal statements are only now realize HOW SHITTY this was. I'm going to work on another draft today and see how it goes. thanks yall




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