ROUGH DRAFT PLEASE READ AND CRITIQUE

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ariel_917

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ROUGH DRAFT PLEASE READ AND CRITIQUE

Postby ariel_917 » Mon Nov 10, 2014 11:54 am

This is a snippet of a rough draft that I just started. I just want to know how this topic sounds. I was going to continue by talking about my extensive research in public interest law cases (senior thesis) and working at a public interest law firm. Is this a good topic or cliché and boring?

Growing up with a police officer as a father and a school teacher as a mother meant a lifestyle of order and morals. Being the child of a law enforcer also made me realize the importance of abiding by the laws that were in place whether I agreed with them or not. I always thought that it was strange that my father would confess his hatred for police officers when he was growing up until he finally revealed that he had joined the force in an effort to be the “good cop” in a sea full of corrupt ones that he had witnessed in his poverty stricken neighborhood. However, I could still see a sense of disappointment behind his eyes as the years went by. I could feel the exhaustion and the disappearance of the spirit he once had when discussing his profession. My father had not known that his desire for change had rubbed off onto his little girl.
I spent many years, contemplating joining the police academy and picking up where my father had left off. I witnessed so many friends and family fall victim to the justice system as my father had witnessed when he was growing up. It didn’t take long for me to realize that these injustices, the mass incarceration surrounding me and the corruption could not be changed in the way my father had thought. My desire lied in changing the law rather than working alongside it. My father’s hopelessness had come from swimming with the current while I wanted to fight it and change its direction.
While I had not known exactly how I would fulfill my desire, I knew that I had to follow this passion. I knew that I could not live a life that did not give back to the community that made me. No one would ever look at me and see my father’s disappointment behind my eyes. The law had always been of great importance in my household and I fell in love with the thought of enforcing laws that I actually stood for. I also fell in love with research and used research as a guide to help me in my journey. It did not take long for me to realize that public interest law was what I had been seeking all along. Countless hours interning with the Southern Legal Counsel where I witnessed cases involving the injustices of my own community’s high schools.
My senior thesis was on the case in Tulia, Texas where 46 men and women were sentenced to life sentences with no evidence. I looked at the faces of these victims who, if it had not been for public interest lawyers, would have spent their life behind bars. These victim’s faces that looked so similar to the faces of my loved ones. Many have unsuccessfully attempted to deter me from my choice of field with an argument based on money. However, I am determined to only fight for laws that I stand for.
Last edited by ariel_917 on Mon Nov 10, 2014 2:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Philafaler

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Re: public interest ps. unfinished rough draft. too cliche?

Postby Philafaler » Mon Nov 10, 2014 1:12 pm

I think you could turn this into something, but as it is, it's a bit boring. You tell a lot, but don't show a lot.

ariel_917

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Re: public interest ps. unfinished rough draft. too cliche?

Postby ariel_917 » Mon Nov 10, 2014 1:14 pm

Philafaler wrote:I think you could turn this into something, but as it is, it's a bit boring. You tell a lot, but don't show a lot.


One of the schools that I cam applying for requires a 500 word maximum which is making it hard to write a great personal statement. Do you think they recognize that this is a problem or there is no excuses?

ariel_917

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Posts: 45
Joined: Fri Oct 17, 2014 2:59 pm

Re: public interest ps. unfinished rough draft. too cliche?

Postby ariel_917 » Mon Nov 10, 2014 1:15 pm

Philafaler wrote:I think you could turn this into something, but as it is, it's a bit boring. You tell a lot, but don't show a lot.


Also, here is a finished version of the draft. Can you give me feedback on the extra details that I added?

Growing up with a police officer as a father and a school teacher as a mother meant a lifestyle of order and morals. Being the child of a law enforcer also made me realize the importance of abiding by the laws that were in place whether I agreed with them or not. I always thought that it was strange that my father would confess his hatred for police officers when he was growing up until he finally revealed that he had joined the force in an effort to be the “good cop” in a sea full of corrupt ones that he had witnessed in his poverty stricken neighborhood. However, I could still see a sense of disappointment behind his eyes as the years went by. I could feel the exhaustion and the disappearance of the spirit he once had when discussing his profession. My father had not known that his desire for change had rubbed off onto his little girl.
I spent many years, contemplating joining the police academy and picking up where my father had left off. I witnessed so many friends and family fall victim to the justice system as my father had witnessed when he was growing up. It didn’t take long for me to realize that these injustices, the mass incarceration surrounding me and the corruption could not be changed in the way my father had thought. My desire lied in changing the law rather than working alongside it. My father’s hopelessness had come from swimming with the current while I wanted to fight it and change its direction.
While I had not known exactly how I would fulfill my desire, I knew that I had to follow this passion. I knew that I could not live a life that did not give back to the community that made me. No one would ever look at me and see my father’s disappointment behind my eyes. The law had always been of great importance in my household and I fell in love with the thought of enforcing laws that I actually stood for. I also fell in love with research and used research as a guide to help me in my journey. It did not take long for me to realize that public interest law was what I had been seeking all along. Countless hours interning with the Southern Legal Counsel where I witnessed cases involving the injustices of my own community’s high schools.
My senior thesis was on the case in Tulia, Texas where 46 men and women were sentenced to life sentences with no evidence. I looked at the faces of these victims who, if it had not been for public interest lawyers, would have spent their life behind bars. These victim’s faces that looked so similar to the faces of my loved ones. Many have unsuccessfully attempted to deter me from my choice of field with an argument based on money. However, I am determined to only fight for laws that I stand for.

Philafaler

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Posts: 98
Joined: Wed Dec 04, 2013 12:16 am

Re: public interest ps. unfinished rough draft. too cliche?

Postby Philafaler » Mon Nov 10, 2014 1:16 pm

ariel_917 wrote:
Philafaler wrote:I think you could turn this into something, but as it is, it's a bit boring. You tell a lot, but don't show a lot.


One of the schools that I cam applying for requires a 500 word maximum which is making it hard to write a great personal statement. Do you think they recognize that this is a problem or there is no excuses?


There are no excuses. The challenge is to write a great statement in such a short space.

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WhiskeyAndCupcakes

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Re: public interest ps. unfinished rough draft. too cliche?

Postby WhiskeyAndCupcakes » Mon Nov 10, 2014 11:46 pm

.
Last edited by WhiskeyAndCupcakes on Fri May 29, 2015 11:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

WhiskeyAndCupcakes

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Re: ROUGH DRAFT PLEASE READ AND CRITIQUE

Postby WhiskeyAndCupcakes » Mon Nov 10, 2014 11:55 pm

.

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