Criticism Welcome Forum

[will0302]

I have several concerns with my statement but the chief one right now is that it may be too long. I apologize for any grammar mistakes; this is a first draft.



“I’m going to kill that sound-guy” I grumbled to myself from behind our makeshift donation booth. “Hey, her mike cut out… I can’t hear anything!” --- whispers and then shouts. I get up and walk over to the sound board while the technicians try to avoid eye contact. “We’re working on it” they assure me hesitantly. It was the night of the Friends of the Orphans benefit concert that I had spent the past two months trying to organize. Sixty days of shuffling paperwork, checking on five different e-mail streams throughout the day and dealing with underpaid and under-organized staff members. I was driven by a desire to have the night go perfectly. I had spear-headed the event and if it failed then I failed. I had taken responsibility, but it felt worth it.

Half a year before that I had stumbled into the rink-a-dink Friends of the Orphans office a couple blocks away from campus, not quite sure what I was looking for. “Do you have an appointment with someone or..?” I was asked by the office employee. She was wearing a polite half-smile through her irritation at my awkwardness. I stared blankly for a second, and then mustered up something, “No. I just want to volunteer”. When I stepped into that building I viewed volunteering as a chore one is supposed to do at some point while in college. Some of my acquaintances at school had a history of volunteering and some didn’t. To me, the volunteer crowd was a bunch of self-righteous do-gooders, getting high off the self-gratification of donating blood, doling out food in soup kitchens and running 5k after 5k. I saw myself as a different breed. Sure, I was compassionate and all, but I believed the systemic problems afflicting the needy couldn’t be solved through a measly couple of hours of volunteer service. This rationale allowed me to be assuredly apathetic. I felt safe behind the knowledge that my inaction was not the result of laziness, but of scrupled reasoning and a nuanced worldview. So why was I standing in the office of this small non-profit asking to volunteer? I was told it looks good on applications, it keeps you busy, and, hey, girls like guys who volunteer. I figured I would give it a shot.

Their volunteer coordinator put in me touch with Orphans’ student club at my college. I joined their club, attending several meetings over the next couple months. However, not much progress was made in the way of planning activities for the group. I was fairly content merely signing my name on the check-in sheet and sitting idly while thinking about how nice my membership in this club might look on an application. But even still, I felt the need to contribute something. Mainly, I would offer little suggestions here and there, as I had resigned myself to be as unassuming and unimposing as possible as the club president,---, ran the meetings and tried to motivate us. Then one day during a meeting I mentioned that I was a musician and had some musician friends, and maybe I could put on a benefit concert. It was another one of my casual notions that I expected to be glossed over, “A benefit concert… hmm… wait, that’s the best idea you’ve ever had!” --- exclaimed. To my surprise, everyone was immediately on board and we slated the concert to take place in two months’ time.

For about two weeks, things were pretty quiet. I guess everyone in the club felt satisfied with the fact that we actually had something substantial planned. It seemed they forgot about all the intermediate steps it takes to bring the plan to fruition. On a Monday morning in mid-March I received a club email out of the blue from ---, “Guys we have a CONCERT IN 6 WEEKS!!!” I emailed back saying we should get to work. We got coffee later that day and plotted out our strategy. Out of curiosity, I asked him why he had decided to start the club in the first place. He told me about his visits to the orphanages in Mexico and the time he spent volunteering there. Few things had made him feel more connected to humanity than making those kids smile. He believed that all those kids really needed is someone to show them that they care. I could see those kids in his stories and his compassion infected me. I felt a wave of excitement. I wanted to make this event happen.

Meetings were to be held in the Office of Student Affairs, the Residence Life Office, Dining Services and the Development Office among others. I began contacting ex-bandmates, old music majors and anyone who could hold a tune. A benefit concert needs music, right? The one recurring question I was faced with from the musicians was, “Are you gonna pay us?” The unfortunate answer was that I couldn’t pay them. The unfortunate response became “Sorry, I’ve got something going on that night”. I found myself frustrated at my musician friends: “Hey man, it’s for a good cause, isn’t that enough?” Strangely, I found myself actually believing what I was saying. Meanwhile, I knew that if someone had called me a couple months ago to perform for free, I likely would’ve given the same response my friends gave me. But believing that I was doing something truly worthwhile gave me confidence. I felt like I knew things would eventually come together. And eventually, they did. I found a solid line-up of bands willing to play for free. With little time to spend and with a lot of help from the club members; all the paperwork was signed, the food ordered and the stage set for our benefit concert.

Just as the jazz singer’s microphone comes back to life, our guest of honor arrives. Instead of tension I feel relief, as his welcoming smile disarms all of us and reminds us what this event is really about. Dr. --- grew up in Honduras on one of the orphanages that our organization raises money for. He introduces himself, shakes our hands and goes to meet with friends in attendance. After the show, he thanks our group for the work we put in. He pulled me and --- aside to say what we did shows that “people actually do care”. His eyes welled up a bit and mine did too. We thanked him for coming and saw him off. The sense of accomplishment I felt was overtaken by a sense of purpose. I understood more fully why people volunteer and why it’s important. When we give our time to others, we show that we care. Though the money we were able to raise was a great achievement. Personal moments like the ones I had with --- and Dr. --- make me realize the true value of lending a helping hand.

[ikethegremlin]

Quick feedback before I go to work - sorry this isn't more in depth:

- The whole cold opening, 'in media res', is by this point a huge cliche. There are ways to make it work, but I don't think you have done so. Instead you just have to keep backpedalling further and further in time to explain what's going on, and it doesn't flow.

- Your language. This is a law school application: saying things like "and, hey, girls like guys who volunteer" doesn't work in that context. It's fine to let some gentle humor in, but honestly having 'and hey' and 'sure, I was compassionate and all' in there is not okay.

-

To me, the volunteer crowd was a bunch of self-righteous do-gooders, getting high off the self-gratification of donating blood, doling out food in soup kitchens and running 5k after 5k. I saw myself as a different breed.

Don't do this to yourself. This is not wry self deprecation, or looking back on a previous version of yourself. This is just acknowledging yourself to be a total douche, which I'm sure you are actually not.

For about two weeks, things were pretty quiet. I guess everyone in the club felt satisfied with the fact that we actually had something substantial planned. It seemed they forgot about all the intermediate steps it takes to bring the plan to fruition. On a Monday morning in mid-March I received a club email out of the blue from ---, “Guys we have a CONCERT IN 6 WEEKS!!!” I emailed back saying we should get to work. We got coffee later that day and plotted out our strategy.

Stuff like this you can cut - why are you telling adcomms about the coffee you had and the emails you sent?

Personal moments like the ones I had with --- and Dr. --- make me realize the true value of lending a helping hand.

Really? REALLY?? Dude. This means nothing - it's trite, and unintentionally makes you sound selfish. What is the true value of helping a hand in your story? It reads as allowing the volunteer to feel good about doing something, which I feel fairly sure is not what you intended.

This PS can be summed up as:

Douchey inconsiderate guy volunteers because he thinks it will help out his application. He has the *CRAZY* idea of doing a concert, around which all the real volunteers rally because he and his ideas are special. The concert deeply touches a Dr who was once an orphan, which makes our faux-volunteer feel real good about himself. He realizes that volunteering isn't just about making your applications look good, you can also get a kick out of it yourself! He then writes about the experience for an application.

[will0302]

Feedback appreciated for sure.
I guess we'll try to go point-by-point

-I know what you're saying about the intro being hackneyed but I disagree with you about the flow. The intro paragraph is present tense and the paragraphs afterwards go in chronological order bringing us back to the present

-I see what you mean about the language being a bit too casual in some places, I should clean that up.

-As far as the heart of the story. I was trying to tell an honest story about personal development. I was a selfish asshole who realized that volunteering is actually really redeeming and worthwhile. Maybe I've failed at communicating this through my story. Maybe I've borrowed too many cliches which makes it feels hollow? Maybe I should just tell a different story?

Thanks again for the feedback. Any kind of response would be appreciated.

[ikethegremlin]

Feedback appreciated for sure.
I guess we'll try to go point-by-point

-I know what you're saying about the intro being hackneyed but I disagree with you about the flow. The intro paragraph is present tense and the paragraphs afterwards go in chronological order bringing us back to the present

-I see what you mean about the language being a bit too casual in some places, I should clean that up.

-As far as the heart of the story. I was trying to tell an honest story about personal development. I was a selfish asshole who realized that volunteering is actually really redeeming and worthwhile. Maybe I've failed at communicating this through my story. Maybe I've borrowed too many cliches which makes it feels hollow? Maybe I should just tell a different story?

Thanks again for the feedback. Any kind of response would be appreciated.

I know what I said sounds harsh, but I say it out of a genuine desire for you to write a good personal statement. The tenses are correct but the effect is not one that works for the reader, in my opinion.

Honesty is awesome, but I think you are underselling yourself. There is a story to be told there, for sure, but either you aren't getting at and expressing to us what truly made it worth making the central focus of your application, and the context in which everything else will be seen, or it wasn't in fact a really meaningful moment for you.

PSs don't have to be about something on your application already, or some kind of grand moment of clarity. I find those work the least well, because real life so often doesn't work like that. I'd certainly have a think about what else you could explore, and come back to this one later when you've had time away from it working on another one. Feel free to PM anything you come up with.

[Gefuehlsecht]

Now, here is some general advice. You should be aware that your personal statement will have a fairly minor impact on your admission application. Numbers are key. Softskills are somewhat important, too. The personal statement is a nice to have and will probably receive cursory inspection at most. They tend to blend in after you read a few hundred of them.

It is unlikely that you'll salvage a reach application with a personal statement unless it shows some kind of brilliance or eloquence. That's hard to do. However, your personal statement can hurt you, especially when the writing is lackluster or the choice of topic is bad. After all, it is a marketing document. Also, writing is one of the skills you'll use to a certain extent once you embark on your career. With that being said, you would do well to at least take the previous poster's advice to heart. My advice for you is to delete this and start fresh. Drop the conversational tone and be especially leery of terms like rink-a-dink. Also, while self-deprecating humor, if done right, can work in a personal statement, it seems to me that you need to practice that particular art some more and your personal statement is not the place to do so at this point. Do yourself a favor and rewrite.

[cheesy145]

Yikes. Sorry I could only read the first two paragraphs...first off starting the first sentence saying you want to kill someone may be the worst way to start it off. That is literally the first impression a reader gets and its not flattering to you. I get its jus a saying by why start off so negative. The next paragraph makes you sound judgemental and self-righteous (ironic huh) with how negative your language is. I get the personal growth storyline but no need to be that honest! I would just saying h how you were naive about voluntering and didn't know what to expect, etc.