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[Anonymous User]

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[jerseymike]

So this is written all and well but it's extraordinary vague. And it comes across as if you've looked up a collection of words pertinent to UVA and jumbled them into the essay: "Mahoney," "Dillard," "95.6%," and so on.

At least to me, this essay comes across as very insincere. I suggest you do some more serious research into the school; for example, look at what student journals UVA has, find one that matches your background, and write about how you could see yourself working on it. Write why specifically you'd like to attend school in Virginia and/or Charlottesville instead of the generic plug about national placement that's already there.

Basically, I felt like you could change the dean name, scholarship name, placement numbers, etc., and use this same exact essay for any school. That means it's probably not a very good "why I want to go to this specific school" essay.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks for the input!

I definitely see your perspective and in the morning I'll work on some revisions. The statement is already at one page, so I'm concerened that adding more specific information means I have to severely curtail what I've already written (which is very sincere!). Do you suggest focusing on one specific thing rather than these two general things?

Plus I'm willing to admit that I don't have a strong sense of what legal focus I want to go into. Talking about a specific journal I'd like to write for when I don't truly know what that entails is more insincere than what I wrote here.

[swampman]

I agree with everything the first poster commented. I'm sure you are sincere, but you aren't conveying it. Two tips on how to fix it:

1. Why UVA should not be a list of things you like about UVA -- the person reading this essay will already know UVA is collegial, they will know exactly what placement stats are, etc. Instead, it should be an essay entirely about you. This is a little counterintuitive. As an example though, instead of listing where UVA grads are placed, say "I plan on practicing near my family in X market, and UVA has a strong network there" and "here are the collegial, teamwork-focused things I've done in the past. I want to keep up these activities/attitudes in law school, so UVA would be a perfect fit." You can get rid of the whole 3rd paragraph. Your second paragraph is more on target, but again too generic and not focused on you enough. Instead of writing general things that sound pulled out of a brochure, give examples from your past (did teachers take you to lunch or invite you to their house?). Maybe you don't know what journal you'll be involved in, but there must be a clinic that looks interesting to you (do you like helping kids? helping people start businesses?) and at least a couple student groups you would like to get involved with.

2. This should be more conversational in tone. It's not an English 101 essay. Stay away from SAT words, and if a sentence is not something that would come out of your mouth verbatim in a conversation with the Director of Admissions you should rephrase it. That (along with adding more personal information) will address the sincerity problem.

3. I have no idea what you're getting at with the first sentence. Unless there are some civil war reenactments around here that you want to participate in (in which case, talk about that!), your undergrad major and civil war interests really don't seem relevant, and makes for a confusing start to the essay.

[xylocarp]

swampman's advice is spot on. just wanted to add that it might be cool to frame the whole within the context of your cousin's experience. your first paragraph is weird imo, and the cousin thing would work better at the beginning, especially if you weaved it in a bit later/at the end.

[Anonymous User]

Thank you to everyone for the help! What do you guys think of this draft?

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[jerseymike]

This is a big improvement. The 2nd and 4th paragrapha are great; keep them. I don't like the 1st and last. I wouldn't involve the llm student (hopefully you haven't used his real name) or this pro and con list bc it's cheesy. Also your 3rd paragraph is a little myeah bc it's not as specific or personal as the 2nd and 4th. Also, when you use phrases like "complex interactions," it seems like youre just writing filler because what does that even mean? But you're on the right track imo.

This is also kind of long for a why statement but you can fix that by scrapping the first and last paragraphs.

[Anonymous User]

I don't like the 1st and last. I wouldn't involve the llm student (hopefully you haven't used his real name) or this pro and con list bc it's cheesy.

swampman's advice is spot on. just wanted to add that it might be cool to frame the whole within the context of your cousin's experience. your first paragraph is weird imo, and the cousin thing would work better at the beginning, especially if you weaved it in a bit later/at the end.

[jerseymike]

This is a big improvement. The 2nd and 4th paragrapha are great; keep them. I don't like the 1st and last. I wouldn't involve the llm student (hopefully you haven't used his real name) or this pro and con list bc it's cheesy. Also your 3rd paragraph is a little myeah bc it's not as specific or personal as the 2nd and 4th. Also, when you use phrases like "complex interactions," it seems like youre just writing filler because what does that even mean? But you're on the right track imo.

This is also kind of long for a why statement but you can fix that by scrapping the first and last paragraphs.

swampman's advice is spot on. just wanted to add that it might be cool to frame the whole within the context of your cousin's experience. your first paragraph is weird imo, and the cousin thing would work better at the beginning, especially if you weaved it in a bit later/at the end.

Just my opinion. I feel like your cousin isn't adding anything unless you provide specifics about what he's said to you that genuinely encourage you to want uva. "Framing in your cousins experience" isn't what you've currently done, so I don't think our advice is contradictory.

[Anonymous User]

Just my opinion. I feel like your cousin isn't adding anything unless you provide specifics about what he's said to you that genuinely encourage you to want uva. "Framing in your cousins experience" isn't what you've currently done, so I don't think our advice is contradictory.

Ah this actually make sense. I just thought of framing it as using it as a literal frame for the essay. Should I find another way to intro and conclude it or just cut those paragraphs and run straight into the 2nd and 4th?

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[jerseymike]

The latest version looks good imo. Of course, proofread before you submit it. For exampe: "The South’s climate, natural beauty, family ties..." Here you are talking about the South's climate and natural beauty, but surely you are not talking about the South's family ties. You are talking about your family ties.