I welcome your feedback, butcher it Forum

[Anonymous User]

Thank you for the advice. Would my PS be better if I described how my life experiences made me decide to apply to law school?

-------------------------------------------

I grew up in Compton, CA surrounded by gangs, drugs, crime and violence. During my time living there 3 shootings occurred on the apartment complex injuring two persons and killing one who I was able to see bleeding to death from my front window. My biological parents, my father a permanent resident and my mother an undocumented immigrant, separated when I was 9 because my father was involved with drugs. My mother later found another partner who was also undocumented. He raised me during my adolescence, but when I was 15 years old, he was deported. My mother is still a single mother earning barely minimum wage and with the support of government benefits such as food stamps and cash assistance, she was able to support me, my two younger brothers and younger sister while also being a support system for my two older sisters, one who is divorced and the other has spent 5 years in prison.
Despite all these hardships, I have excelled throughout high school and college. I graduated as 2nd in my high school class. I was part of the student government and was nominated to participate in a congressional youth council. I was in charge of the spiritual growth and social events for the youth in my Baptist church. My top grades, high test scores, and strong extracurricular allowed me to be admitted to XXXXX.
I was stunned when the time came for me to start my freshmen year at XXXXX. I was the first in my family to go to college. I was also the first to move out of home at 17 years of age. I also had to resolve my inner conflict of staying home and helping my family by getting a job instead of going to get a higher education. Most of my siblings were younger and needed financial help. It was a hard decision and I knew that earning a higher education would help my family and me in the long run. In August 2009, my sister and mother dropped me off at the Los Angeles airport where I would fly alone in an airplane for the first time to a whole new world.
During college, I had to adjust to living in a whole different society and culture than what I was accustomed to. I had never lived or traveled outside of the Los Angeles area. My community was composed of Latinos and African-Americans. Interacting socially with other people from different cultures, socio-economic levels, and ethnicities open my eyes to the possibilities that are available to me. I attended a nearby Baptist church for two years just to accommodate myself into the college environment and as time went on I knew that the Baptist religion was not for me. It was a time when I was also being comfortable identifying myself as a gay man. I began to question my sexuality in high school but it was at XXXXX that I found other people and support groups that made me understand who I was.
As a poor, gay, Latino from a very impoverished community, I had to balance my academics with the problems my family had at home. My family moved every year because they did not have money to pay rent and so would be evicted. Twice, my family was homeless while they looked for a new residence. I would give them most of my financial aid each year to help them financially but also to relieve that guilt I carried throughout my whole time at XXXXXX for leaving home. Various times I would go to court with my mom to represent my mom in the eviction case.
My grades might be considered low in compared to other XXXXXX students, but I know I am a success in other measures. Despite the hardships, I took every opportunity to become involved in an extracurricular endeavor whether it was interning at a state government agency, volunteering my time for refugees, and working for a research center focused on Latino issues. I took classes that struck my interest and gave me new methods to examine society and tools to bring improvement to what I deem deficient. I would spend countless hours reading articles and books, going to office hours and discussion sections to have a dialogue on my newfound knowledge, and then interacting with the community around me that has formed the person who I am today.

[EarthdogFred]

It's certainly a compelling story and it highlights a number of "softs" that should give you a boost in the eyes of the adcomms. Technically, you could piece this out and write a diversity statement and a GPA addendum, but it would also be fine sticking with this topic for your PS.

My only advice would be to clean up the grammar and maybe replace a few clumsy words here and there. If you need help finding the issues, let me know.

[Anonymous User]

It's certainly a compelling story and it highlights a number of "softs" that should give you a boost in the eyes of the adcomms. Technically, you could piece this out and write a diversity statement and a GPA addendum, but it would also be fine sticking with this topic for your PS.

My only advice would be to clean up the grammar and maybe replace a few clumsy words here and there. If you need help finding the issues, let me know.

Would you recommend changing the topic and using this draft as portions for the addendums and diversity statement?

[Gefuehlsecht]

You have a lot of things going on in that statement. Tons of stories. Pick one of them and tell me more. Tell me about the guy bleeding to death. Or tell me about the day when they hauled off the guy who raised you. That's interesting stuff to hear about and allows you to reflect about the event. I think less is more in this case. Good luck.

[kwabbs]

You have a lot of things going on in that statement. Tons of stories. Pick one of them and tell me more. Tell me about the guy bleeding to death. Or tell me about the day when they hauled off the guy who raised you. That's interesting stuff to hear about and allows you to reflect about the event. I think less is more in this case. Good luck.

I agree with this.. I feel like there were too many stories going on.. I realize that you have faced many struggles, but writing about one in particular and going into further depth would probably draw me in emotionally a bit more.