Any criticism appreciated Forum

[Anonymous User]

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[gnomgnomuch]

Might want to tone it down.
The overall theme that I got from this was basically "HA, I'M SO SMART, I'M JUST AS SMART AS YOU IVY LEAGUE TYPES." except in a kinda offensive manner.

You've obviously got some great experiences to talk about, but try making it sound less like you're shoving your accolades down adcoms throats, but that your experience could be beneficial to you and the law school.

[Anonymous User]

Might want to tone it down.
The overall theme that I got from this was basically "HA, I'M SO SMART, I'M JUST AS SMART AS YOU IVY LEAGUE TYPES." except in a kinda offensive manner.

You've obviously got some great experiences to talk about, but try making it sound less like you're shoving your accolades down adcoms throats, but that your experience could be beneficial to you and the law school.

Thanks for that. That's surely not my attitude, but I can see how it may appear that way to a stranger.

[jd20132013]

you write like someone trying to prove how smart you are, fwiw. tone it down some--not just in the way the guy above mentioned, but also reduce unneeded complexity.

[Anonymous User]

you write like someone trying to prove how smart you are, fwiw. tone it down some--not just in the way the guy above mentioned, but also reduce unneeded complexity.

My sister had the same opinion. I'm going to work on smoothing it out.

[flomotion]

Agree with the other posters. I think a quick and easy way to start is to refrain from dropping any other school names at all (other than your own and maybe the law school where you're applying).

[Anonymous User]

Agree with the other posters. I think a quick and easy way to start is to refrain from dropping any other school names at all (other than your own and maybe the law school where you're applying).

Just made that exact change. Do you guys think that this story is good for a PS as long as I take it down a bit? I don't want to sound like I resented the others because that is not true at all. If I remove some of the complexity and make it an easier read while having a less aggressive/self-inflated tone, will this be an effective statement?

[lapata]

The conclusion needs work. A lot of the phrases are awkward (vigorous motivation). More importantly, you should talk about exactly what kind of work in corporate and security law you want to pursue. Instead of just saying you excelled in the trading position, talk about the specific problems are areas you explored and connect those directly to your plan for a law degree. This long-term planning is the huge strength that sets applicants with work experience from those without, and while the work you've done seems challenging, you haven't yet connected it to your overall career narrative.

[Anonymous User]

The conclusion needs work. A lot of the phrases are awkward (vigorous motivation). More importantly, you should talk about exactly what kind of work in corporate and security law you want to pursue. Instead of just saying you excelled in the trading position, talk about the specific problems are areas you explored and connect those directly to your plan for a law degree. This long-term planning is the huge strength that sets applicants with work experience from those without, and while the work you've done seems challenging, you haven't yet connected it to your overall career narrative.

Thanks for the insight. That is really helpful. I was initially going to make the entire statement about a few things I witnessed (another firm's market manipulation lawsuit, how current advances in technology are impacting regulation, etc.) and how they steered me to law, but I didn't know if that would reveal enough about me. Blending these into my current draft seems like a good way to provide a strong personal narrative and career objective.

[dontdoitkid]

Descriptions are definitely vivid, but this is telling instead of showing to me.

[Anonymous User]

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