Close to Final Draft - Tear it Apart Please! Forum

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Weaselfish

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Close to Final Draft - Tear it Apart Please!

Post by Weaselfish » Wed Oct 08, 2014 6:48 pm

I am a product of my environment. Growing up with professors as parents a certain scientific fascination with the world was instilled in me. For hours as a child I would sit outside watching ant hills, marveling at their industrious nature, observing the complex organization of work coming from such simple creatures. My love of nature’s wonders and desire to further explore them was reinforced after reading famed entomologist E. O. Wilson’s autobiography Naturalist; I considered pursuing entomology myself, and spent a summer volunteering in the entomology lab of our local natural history museum. I was tasked with the labeling of insects brought back from a recent expedition to Costa Rica, and ended up working my way through 13,000 of them by the end of the summer. I loved being surrounded by such a beautiful and diverse array of creatures, but something was missing for me, namely the sense that my work truly mattered to anyone outside the world of taxonomy.
Ants appeared to have their version of society figured out, whereas we as a species still seemed to be finding our identity, our equilibrium of ideals. After taking an introductory class on philosophy, I fell in love with the subject, as its broad analytical focus encompassed virtually every aspect of human existence. Political theory and environmental ethics in particular grabbed my attention; the relationship between human society and its environment, it quickly became apparent, was full of complexity and struggle. Despite the fact that much progress had already been made, there was still an immense amount of work needed to be done. The preservation of our environment’s health and the communities that depend on it became an obvious imperative to me. In university, I dove into philosophy and political science with a hunger for knowledge and a desire to equip myself with the tools necessary to deconstruct problems such as these and work towards their solutions. I wanted to effect change.
Soon after graduating I found an outlet for this motivation in Clean Water Action, a non-profit focused on lobbying for public health and environmental protection. I started as a field organizer, going door to door in communities fundraising and gathering support for our campaigns. I found the work deeply challenging at first. I was approaching strangers to talk about controversial issues; reactions often ranged from simple apathy to the occasional hostility, both potentially demoralizing interactions. But I quickly found that I could reveal overlapping values and concerns with virtually everyone, and could logically communicate with them why it was so urgently important to resolve these issues. Sharing my motivation, and in turn motivating those I talked to, was thrilling, and I quickly realized that I excelled at the job.
Within months of starting I found new opportunities to further challenge myself as I was promoted to Trainer and then Field Manager. I was no longer only responsible for my own performance, but for recruiting, training, and coordinating a crew of other canvassers; I had to maintain their performance and confidence in the face of the same challenges I had faced. Clean Water Action gave me the chance to take these skills on the road, sending me to underperforming offices across the country. In a foreign setting with no personal ties, I had to quickly adapt to this new context and immediately build the respect of a staff of strangers from scratch. I worked to build stronger a staff in Baltimore, Philadelphia, and finally Austin, leaving each office stronger and more self-sufficient than when I had arrived.
Serving those around me and building their success has been immensely empowering to me, I love the fact that I can see the quantifiable impact of my influence on the organization’s strength. I am now the Assistant Canvass Director of our office in Pittsburgh, with a legacy of canvassers who have grown under my tutelage, as well as numerous campaigns that I have had a hand in winning. I now want to have a more direct impact on initiating and guiding political change and I feel that law school will give me the tools to do just that. We are all products of our environment, but our environment is also a product of what we put back into it; I plan on using every resource that I have to ensure that future generations can grow off of the work that I have done.

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scoobysnax

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Re: Close to Final Draft - Tear it Apart Please!

Post by scoobysnax » Thu Oct 09, 2014 4:55 pm

you come off as one-dimensional. you love learning, you're smart, you're a good person and want to effect change, etc; it's overdone and cliche. the actual things you've done are interesting, i just think you need to relate it back to yourself in a more thoughtful way

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sfoglia

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Re: Close to Final Draft - Tear it Apart Please!

Post by sfoglia » Thu Oct 09, 2014 5:11 pm

Remember to triple-check for grammar! You have quite a few hanging clauses, one of which in the third sentence in. You also are missing a lot of commas where needed.

rbrown0824

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Re: Close to Final Draft - Tear it Apart Please!

Post by rbrown0824 » Sat Oct 11, 2014 10:06 pm

sfoglia wrote:Remember to triple-check for grammar! You have quite a few hanging clauses, one of which in the third sentence in. You also are missing a lot of commas where needed.
Where is the hanging clause in the third sentence?

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walterwhite

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Re: Close to Final Draft - Tear it Apart Please!

Post by walterwhite » Sat Oct 11, 2014 10:36 pm

rbrown0824 wrote:
sfoglia wrote:Remember to triple-check for grammar! You have quite a few hanging clauses, one of which in the third sentence in. You also are missing a lot of commas where needed.
Where is the hanging clause in the third sentence?

yea i didn't catch that either

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Emma.

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Re: Close to Final Draft - Tear it Apart Please!

Post by Emma. » Sat Oct 11, 2014 10:43 pm

Agree with what's been said above. Clichéd and numerous grammar issues. This basically just expands on some resume lines.

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pancakes3

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Re: Close to Final Draft - Tear it Apart Please!

Post by pancakes3 » Sat Oct 11, 2014 11:12 pm

The essay lacks focus. I have no idea what statement you're trying to make about your person or how it relates to... ants?

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Ramius

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Re: Close to Final Draft - Tear it Apart Please!

Post by Ramius » Sat Oct 11, 2014 11:18 pm

Personally I felt this PS was disingenuous and manipulative and came off very wrong. That may be because it didn't carry an actual theme, although it feigned one in discussing environment. Going from ant hills to philosophy to clean water definitely came across as resume review (as stated previously), but more important that it really revealed nothing about you to me that I felt encouraged to know. It seemed to meander through your life unnecessarily and never hit on a strong central theme.

You need to find a better vehicle to discuss your strengths, because this one fell flat.

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AnonymousAlterEgoC

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Re: Close to Final Draft - Tear it Apart Please!

Post by AnonymousAlterEgoC » Sun Oct 12, 2014 6:55 pm

Will tear it apart.
Weaselfish wrote:I am a product of my environment. Growing up with professors as parents a certain scientific fascination with the world was instilled in me.
Probably avoid "a certain scientific fascination." It's kind of vague. Your first sentence is also conclusory and a statement of something that happened. It doesn't draw the reader in. Try putting your second sentence first. It tells a story. Chicks dig a story (but seriously).

For hours as a child I would sit outside watching ant hills, marveling at their industrious nature,
You won't agree with everything I say because I'm throwing the kitchen sink, but aren't ants industrious and not ant hills? An ant hill is not in itself industrious and the arguable "industriousness" of it is inside the hill. The "as a child" thing is problematic, too. Does that imply that you don't anymore? Since no one is ever going to read your PS with this level of detail, I'm going to be like the other posts and look for the forest rather than the trees.
observing the complex organization of work coming from such simple creatures.
Why do you have to call them simple? Ugh. It makes you sound all high and mighty.

I considered pursuing entomology myself, and spent a summer volunteering in the entomology lab of our local natural history museum.
Either add a subject following and (I) or get rid of that comma. See: rules of coordinating conjunctions. This may be that person's "hanging clause" criticism.
I was tasked with the labeling of insects brought back from a recent expedition to Costa Rica, and ended up working my way through 13,000 of them by the end of the summer.
Same problem as above re comma. Also: Was tasked. This is passive again (but not passive voice...just poor writing). Why not start your essay with you labeling insects and describing them a bit? Just an idea.
I loved being surrounded by such a beautiful and diverse array of creatures, but something was missing for me, namely the sense that my work truly mattered to anyone outside the world of taxonomy.
So to love something it must be perfect? That sentiment is kind of there. You no longer love it? I just dislike your phrasing. "Something was missing for me." Jesus, are you trying to breakup with someone? Stop playing games with the reader.
Ants appeared to have their version of society figured out, whereas we as a species still seemed to be finding our identity, our equilibrium of ideals.
APPEAR not APPEARED. YOUR VERB TENSES. You can't just dumb an idea like that and expect the reader to like it (referring to what follows "whereas.") Justify "We still seem to be finding." BUT WAIT: That's NOT what you said. You said "SEEMED." Look at all the caps you're making me use. Do you know the difference between the respective use of seem and seemed in this sentence? You're not writing with a careful eye for meaning.
After taking an introductory class on philosophy, I fell in love with the subject, as its broad analytical focus encompassed virtually every aspect of human existence.
But you lead into this with a specific part of philosophy (figuring out society). Do you think it's a good idea to go narrow>broad>narrow (below)? It's not.
Political theory and environmental ethics in particular grabbed my attention; the relationship between human society and its environment, it quickly became apparent, was full of complexity and struggle.
So glad we're done with that struggle! It WAS full of C and S. Is it now? Who knows! You haven't told me. You imply that we've resolved this issues.
Despite the fact that much progress had already been made, there was still an immense amount of work needed to be done.
DUUUUUDE. YOU DID IT AGAIN. Write actively. "IS."
The preservation of our environment’s health and the communities that depend on it became an obvious imperative to me.
This is right.

In university, I dove into philosophy and political science with a hunger for knowledge and a desire to equip myself with the tools necessary to deconstruct problems such as these and work towards their solutions. I wanted to effect change.
We're already at university. Delete "in university."
Soon after graduating I found an outlet for this motivation in Clean Water Action, a non-profit focused on lobbying for public health and environmental protection. I started as a field organizer, going door to door in communities fundraising and gathering support for our campaigns. I found the work deeply challenging at first. I was approaching strangers to talk about controversial issues; reactions often ranged from simple apathy to the occasional hostility, both potentially demoralizing interactions. But I quickly found that I could reveal overlapping values and concerns with virtually everyone, and could logically communicate with them why it was so urgently important to resolve these issues. Sharing my motivation, and in turn motivating those I talked to, was thrilling, and I quickly realized that I excelled at the job.
This is good except
-You screwed up a comma before an "and" again (same error as above)
-This paragraph contains an "at first" which isn't resolved with the paragraph. It's more toying with the reader, and the reader will not appreciate this.
Within months of starting I found new opportunities to further challenge myself as I was promoted to Trainer and then Field Manager. I was no longer only responsible for my own performance, but for recruiting, training, and coordinating a crew of other canvassers;
no comma before "but"
I had to maintain their performance and confidence in the face of the same challenges I had faced. Clean Water Action gave me the chance to take these skills on the road, sending me to underperforming offices across the country. In a foreign setting with no personal ties, I had to quickly adapt to this new context and immediately build the respect of a staff of strangers from scratch. I worked to build stronger a staff in Baltimore, Philadelphia, and finally Austin, leaving each office stronger and more self-sufficient than when I had arrived.
I don't mind this but it's not synthesizing with your philosophical aims. Try to connect these paragraphs with the stuff above. Also, you still haven't told me your dissatisfaction. What's that, you say? You're going to connect them in the next paragraph? That's simply not good enough. It's not perfect. It's shoddy. It doesn't read like a good PS.

Serving those around me and building their success has been immensely empowering to me, I love the fact that I can see the quantifiable impact of my influence on the organization’s strength. I am now the Assistant Canvass Director of our office in Pittsburgh, with a legacy of canvassers who have grown under my tutelage, as well as numerous campaigns that I have had a hand in winning. I now want to have a more direct impact on initiating and guiding political change and I feel that law school will give me the tools to do just that. We are all products of our environment, but our environment is also a product of what we put back into it; I plan on using every resource that I have to ensure that future generations can grow off of the work that I have done.
I gave up on grammar. You have some of the same issues in this final paragraph.

I want to hear more about what law school will help you do, and I want to see a stronger connection between Personal Statement #1: my desire to effect philosophical and environmental change in a complex and diverse society and #2: I'm awesome at my job. You might think the connection is obvious, but it's not. Re what law school will help you do, it's not clear to me that you need law school. What's holding you back right now?

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