Please Critique My Personal Statement? Forum

[Bloopers]

This is a really really rough draft! Any advice/criticism is much appreciated. Thanks!
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I was raised in my mother’s gilded vision of the "American Dream". My single mother, with a middle school education from rural Vietnam, came to the United States with nothing other than the hopes of achieving such dream. She faithfully believed that with enough hard work and dedication, that she would be able to yield happiness and success by triumphing poverty’s shadow. With this mindset, my mother worked tirelessly twelve hours a day, six days a week, year after year so to chase her dream. Though, even with her enduring faith, such dream stills eludes her grasp.

The relentless pursuit of her goals, along with her resolute work ethic, instilled in me a sense of perseverance that has allowed me to face adversity head on. Growing up with this role model enabled me to break free from the cycle of poverty through higher education. With the combination of hard work in my high school courses and generous opportunities, I was able to attend (XYZ) University. It was during college career that I was enlightened with my immersion in political courses. My endless hours of research and study enabled me to discover my passion.

Through my education, I came to the realization that my mother's inability to reach her financial goals was not merely a case of bad luck, but rather, it was the result of economic and social inequality that plagues our society. This realization ignited a passion- a passion to make a difference for people like my mother by attempting to give them equal opportunities in an unjust reality. A passion that is fueled by my desire to use the fortunate opportunities I received to make a change.
It is my understanding that the change I want can only be made possible through the unrelenting pursuit of justice. I intend to use the same values instilled in me by my mother to chase after it. This is my American dream.

[t-14orbust]

what is justice?

[Nebby]

This is a really really rough draft! Any advice/criticism is much appreciated. Thanks!
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I was raised in my mother’s gilded vision of the "American Dream". My single mother, with a middle school education from rural Vietnam, came to the United States with nothing other than the hopes of achieving such dream. She faithfully believed that with enough hard work and dedication, that she would be able to yield happiness and success by triumphing poverty’s shadow. With this mindset, my mother worked tirelessly twelve hours a day, six days a week, year after year so to chase her dream. Though, even with her enduring faith, such dream stills eludes her grasp.

1/3 of your personal statement is not about you.

The relentless pursuit of her goals, along with her resolute work ethic, instilled in me a sense of perseverance that has allowed me to face adversity head on. Growing up with this role model enabled me to break free from the cycle of poverty through higher education. With the combination of hard work in my high school courses and generous opportunities, I was able to attend (XYZ) University. It was during college career that I was enlightened with my immersion in political courses. My endless hours of research and study enabled me to discover my passion.

Hard work = success. That's not a personal statement, though, that's just a cliche. How were you enlightened?

Through my education, I came to the realization that my mother's inability to reach her financial goals was not merely a case of bad luck, but rather, it was the result of economic and social inequality that plagues our society. This realization ignited a passion- a passion to make a difference for people like my mother by attempting to give them equal opportunities in an unjust reality. A passion that is fueled by my desire to use the fortunate opportunities I received to make a change.

Your passion is to make a difference for people like your mother. That’s a great passion, but it doesn’t seem unique nor personal. Provide how you want to make a difference. Through “the pursuit of justice” is not an identifiable means to achieve your goal. It’s a vague means to an unspecified end.

It is my understanding that the change I want can only be made possible through the unrelenting pursuit of justice. I intend to use the same values instilled in me by my mother to chase after it. This is my American dream.

The American Dream trope is really overplayed. Right now, the only thing I know about you is that your “passion is to make a difference for people like your mother” through “the unrelenting pursuit of justice.” I have no idea what that even means.