Rip it to shreds! (Or something else eye catching...) Forum

[FairchildFLT]

Howdy! I'll be applying this cycle with my number one choice being UT Austin. I'm a Texas resident, a veteran so I'm 100% GI Bill eligible, and a AA male. I've got a 3.52 LSAC GPA and I'll be sitting for the LSAT in September. Feel free to be as harsh as you like. I would rather hear it from you than get dinged for it later.

Over, Under, Through

There is no obstacle that cannot be overcome. There is no problem that cannot be solved. I’ve proved this over and over throughout my life. I left home when I was only 16, selling newspapers door to door to feed myself. I learned some of the most influential lessons during this time of my life. There are not many situations that seem insurmountable when viewed through the eyeglass of a young kid who has walked around neighborhoods he’s never been to, in freezing blizzards, knowing if he was not successful, he would not eat. Now, I sit here typing a statement for entrance to one of the most prestigious law schools in the nation, while my son sits smiling and cooing right next to me. I work hard to ensure my children will never go through what I went through to support themselves.
I never realized how much I loved the state of Texas until I left it. Texas is where I initially joined the United States Air Force, where I truly began to grow as a man, and represents a catalyst to my life. I enlisted in the Air Force when I was seventeen and I spent my eighteenth birthday at Lackland Air Force base while in basic training. The military changed me from a young boy struggling to eat, to a proud man who could support himself and his family. Over the past four years I’ve spent time in San Antonio, Dallas, and Wichita Falls. Whenever I’m back in Texas I’m reminded of where I started and what values are important to me, as well as my family. Now my time in the military is coming to an end, and I am overjoyed to have the opportunity to return to Texas to pursue my dream of attending law school. Attending the University of Texas at Austin would be a dream come true for not only me, but for my family as well!

I desire to be the kind of man my wife and children can look up to, and are proud of. Knowing my service would ensure their wellbeing was my greatest motivation while on active. After following me around for the past few years, I am glad I will have the opportunity to bring my children back to the place that really laid the foundation for who their father would become. I have so many passions to follow that will only benefit from a degree in law. I hope to be able to litigate on behalf of our nations indigent, our under represented, and our veteran heroes in order to help better their lives.

The University of Texas’s core values of freedom, responsibility and leadership are very similar to the Air Force’s core values of integrity, service, and excellence. These core values are something I’ve grown to represent not only in my professional career, but in my personal life as well. While attending the University of Texas I will remain dedicated to a selfless desire of accomplishing the mission set before me, an unwavering commitment to the highest standards of integrity, and my resolution to strive for excellence in whatever task is placed on my shoulders. I am confident when given the opportunity, I can lead, mentor, and support those around me in order to help form my peers into a cohesive unit.

I have acted as a mentor to my peers since before college and continue to do so. I have acted as a student leader, and more recently as an airman leader. Although a young man, my leadership experience has breadth and diversity, and I have demonstrated my potential and superior job performance while serving in the military. These qualities led to be being hand-selected to serve as the Assistant to the Air Force Commander in charge of fighting the Waldo Canyon Fire. I acted as liaison between aircrew life support personnel and the mission’s leadership; while assisting in oversight of the life support mission. Being afforded the opportunity to use my training in order to advise a commander on how best to use our teams, and being able to make life savings decisions was a valuable lesson in leadership. I have proven I can handle immense pressure as well as multiple tasks in a life threatening situation. I have no doubt I will be an excellent member of the University of Texas’s community, now and into the future.

Thank you for considering me for acceptance to a university such as the University of Texas. If given the opportunity to attend, I will pursue the excellence required of a law school student relentlessly, as I have throughout my military career. I hope to be not only a great student, but a great member of the Austin community moving forward in my career. Again, thank you for the opportunity to pursue a legal education at the University of Texas!

[transferror]

1) Why do you want to go to law school? At least address it.
2) Show don't tell. More storytelling, better narrative, and fewer conclusory statements about yourself.
3) Either use the Oxford comma or don't. I don't care which, but be consistent.
4) you never tied up your theme - over, under, through - or even really addressed it.

[FairchildFLT]

1) Why do you want to go to law school? At least address it.
2) Show don't tell. More storytelling, better narrative, and fewer conclusory statements about yourself.
3) Either use the Oxford comma or don't. I don't care which, but be consistent.
4) you never tied up your theme - over, under, through - or even really addressed it.

Noted. Getting better already.

[pom fig]

I agree with a lot of what the previous poster said. For example, in my first impression of your essay, I would find myself reading some of your sentences in which you describe yourself as (adjective) and wonder when the support or evidence would kick in.

Ad coms don't know us, and it's easy for law school applicants to claim that they are a certain way and have X, Y, and Z positive attributes in an essay. Unfortunately, it ends up sounding like a resume masquerading as a narrative.
Our arguments for why we should be admitted become more convincing when we back up such statements by expressing in more detail our past actions and specific incidents, and this allows the reader to arrive at such conclusions themselves.

You seem to have a lot of interesting achievements and work experience OP. Your essay might benefit from narrowing in on one or two in more detail.

Anyways, good luck! I got into UT last year and would have loved to attend but the $$ didn't work out. Hope it does for you though!

[HRomanus]

Your personal statement should not be a "Why UT" essay. UT specifically asks you to "describe important experiences and aspects of yourself not otherwise apparent in the application." You're applying there, so obviously you want to attend. By spending a substantial part of your personal statement on "Why UT" you're depriving your application of the strength of a compelling personal narrative. UT knows about their school, they want to hear about you. Find a compelling narrative in your service history or elsewhere recent that displays your character.

I would scrap this statement entirely. Your writing is good, but it doesn't fulfill the purpose of the statement.

Also -

There is no obstacle that cannot be overcome. There is no problem that cannot be solved.

Regardless these sentences' debatable truth, they are serious cliches and far too bold for a personal statement written by 99% of 0Ls. Adcomms know this and beginning this way sets you up poorly. At most, if you prove that you've overcome serious obstacles, save this for the conclusion where it won't come across as a hollow boast.