Conflicting moral identity Forum

[Anonymous User]

thanks

[encore1101]

Right away I feel like the language/sentence structure is too distracting.

[Anonymous User]

Right away I feel like the language/sentence structure is too distracting.

can you elaborate?

[anyriotgirl]

pls be flame

[nothingtosee]

First off, it's about 8 sentences in before I know what you want to tell me. How would you explain this statement in one sentence? Because I can't.

Instead of telling me your mom is liberal, your dad is conservative, I would recommend going the reader a one sentence anecdote from your life that hammers that in.

You also need to edit this for grammar. Or have a friend do it. You're using British style on commas outside quotations, misused semi-colon, etc

I think the dualcore processor of your soul can work, but there's a lot of fluff you can cut out until we get there. For example, the first five sentences.

[Anonymous User]

First off, it's about 8 sentences in before I know what you want to tell me. How would you explain this statement in one sentence? Because I can't.

Instead of telling me your mom is liberal, your dad is conservative, I would recommend going the reader a one sentence anecdote from your life that hammers that in.

You also need to edit this for grammar. Or have a friend do it. You're using British style on commas outside quotations, misused semi-colon, etc

I think the dualcore processor of your soul can work, but there's a lot of fluff you can cut out until we get there. For example, the first five sentences.

Thanks that's really helpful. I didn't know about British style, but it definitely needs work. I've not touched that much really.

[Pancakes12]

This is good

[encore1101]

The perplexing, often unanswerable questions of “Who am I?” “What is my purpose?” “Where am I going?” have challenged the minds of many a person. Indeed in my life these questions have been particularly confrontational. Forever I believed I had no personal defining characteristic, no structural foundation upon which I can base my individuality, and little social direction as to the life I ought to live. As ominous as this may sound, it has been this internal/social confliction that has thrust me into a position to which I am today; that is, an intellectually curious, competitive, driven, compassionate, and understanding individual.

versus

"Who am I? What is my purpose? Where am I going?" These questions have challenged countless individuals, including myself. Until recently, I believed I had no defining characteristic, no basis for my individuality, and little social direction as to how I should live my life. Although this may sound ominous, it has been this exact internal and external conflict that has shaped me into who I am today -- an intellectually curious, competitive, and compassionate individual.

I'm not saying mine is better in every aspect, but its definitely easier to read. It cuts out some of the excess "fluff" words. You may talk like this in real life, but PS isn't a time to show off your vocabulary or how creatively you can construe a sentence. While some creativity is fine, too much and its distracting from the substance.

For example, "no structural foundation upon which I can base my individuality" is a lot of words which means exactly what? "Competitive" and "driven" are similar enough that you don't need both; likewise with "compassionate" and "understanding."

[Anonymous User]

The perplexing, often unanswerable questions of “Who am I?” “What is my purpose?” “Where am I going?” have challenged the minds of many a person. Indeed in my life these questions have been particularly confrontational. Forever I believed I had no personal defining characteristic, no structural foundation upon which I can base my individuality, and little social direction as to the life I ought to live. As ominous as this may sound, it has been this internal/social confliction that has thrust me into a position to which I am today; that is, an intellectually curious, competitive, driven, compassionate, and understanding individual.

versus

"Who am I? What is my purpose? Where am I going?" These questions have challenged countless individuals, including myself. Until recently, I believed I had no defining characteristic, no basis for my individuality, and little social direction as to how I should live my life. Although this may sound ominous, it has been this exact internal and external conflict that has shaped me into who I am today -- an intellectually curious, competitive, and compassionate individual.

I'm not saying mine is better in every aspect, but its definitely easier to read. It cuts out some of the excess "fluff" words. You may talk like this in real life, but PS isn't a time to show off your vocabulary or how creatively you can construe a sentence. While some creativity is fine, too much and its distracting from the substance.

For example, "no structural foundation upon which I can base my individuality" is a lot of words which means exactly what? "Competitive" and "driven" are similar enough that you don't need both; likewise with "compassionate" and "understanding."

Thanks. I may just rewrite this. No fluff.

[encore1101]

"As a child of divorce, I felt pressured to adopt either the 'liberal' mindset of my mother or the 'conservative' attitude of my father. However, in seeking which is the 'real me,' I chose neither and became something else entirely -- a critical thinker, able to balance competitiveness with compassion."

the product of 20 mins of dog walking, lol

[HRomanus]

I think these kinds of introspective personal statements come across very immature. Just choose a certain event or narrative that displays some of your best attributes and write about that.

[papercut]

If you read it in Leonard Nimoy's voice it works better.

[ymmv]

I think these kinds of introspective personal statements come across very immature. Just choose a certain event or narrative that displays some of your best attributes and write about that.

The whole format practically begs for them. If admissions reps want to stop reading this kind of watery Dreams of My Father self-revelatory nonsense, they should stop asking college students for a vague 2-3 page essay on their personal merits as developed human beings.

[papercut]

I think these kinds of introspective personal statements come across very immature. Just choose a certain event or narrative that displays some of your best attributes and write about that.

The whole format practically begs for them. If admissions reps want to stop reading this kind of watery Dreams of My Father self-revelatory nonsense, they should stop asking college students for a vague 2-3 page essay on their personal merits as developed human beings.

Part of the "Write about whatever you want" format is to test your judgement as to what's appropriate for a law school PS.

Although, UChi posted some of the PSs "that worked" and a few were pretty awful, so you might be right.

[Anonymous User]

Well I'll note that I didn't write this with knowledge of the fact that the way I'm writing it is not the way to write a personal statement. Perhaps poor research on my part.

[papercut]

Well I'll note that I didn't write this with knowledge of the fact that the way I'm writing it is not the way to write a personal statement. Perhaps poor research on my part.

The way you wrote your PS is not the way to write anything. Except maybe Vulcan dialog.

And for fuck's sake, insert some line breaks so this shit is easier to read.

[ymmv]

Well I'll note that I didn't write this with knowledge of the fact that the way I'm writing it is not the way to write a personal statement. Perhaps poor research on my part.

That wasn't intended as a shot at you, by the way. Plenty of successful essays are comprised of similarly generic introspective fluff, albeit with more polish and coherence.

[Volake]

I like it

"As ominous as this may sound, it has been this internal/social confliction that has thrust me into a position to which I am today; that is, an intellectually curious, competitive, driven, compassionate, and understanding individual."

to

"Ominous though it may sound, grappling with this internal conflict throughout my life was vital in forming the curious, competitive, driven, compassionate, and understanding individual that I am today."

[HRomanus]

.

[ymmv]

I think these kinds of introspective personal statements come across very immature. Just choose a certain event or narrative that displays some of your best attributes and write about that.

The whole format practically begs for them. If admissions reps want to stop reading this kind of watery Dreams of My Father self-revelatory nonsense, they should stop asking college students for a vague 2-3 page essay on their personal merits as developed human beings.

Part of the "Write about whatever you want" format is to test your judgement as to what's appropriate for a law school PS.

Although, UChi posted some of the PSs "that worked" and a few were pretty awful, so you might be right.

Definitely agree with this. Having such a vague prompt itself evaluates the writer's personality. I think the Chicago PS examples (which I leaned on heavily until finding TLS) really just illustrate how little personal statements matter. A small percentage of personal statements hurt the applicant, a small percentage help, and most just exist. Only marginal candidates should put in the time required to write a great one, and ironically those are the candidates who should instead spend the time either a) studying for the LSAT or b) applying early.

Here's a PS from a friend of mine. His scores were 166/2.8 and he got a full-ride and a stipend at GA State. It goes to show how little a personal statement matters. I'm planning on posting it as a thread once the 2014-2015 cycle heats up for some cheap laughs.

The modern American political climate is plagued with indecisiveness and partisan bickering. With the help of a law degree, I will pursue a carrier as legislative counsel to help ensure better, more practical laws are written. The value and necessity of critical thinking have been instilled in me from a young age. A less than satisfactory result from my undergraduate years has goaded me away from mediocre effort and a lack of focus. The writing and application of law is of such a great interest to me that I make a practice of studying law in my free time. These virtues combined with my strong conviction and training in law will allow me to make a real difference in returning sanity to our nation’s capital.

Critical thinking has been instilled in me from a young age. One prime example is seen in the typical Sunday lunch of my youth. The topic of conversation would be a review of the Sabbath school lessons, and I was required to examine details overlooked by the teachers to derive points that were missed. This careful examination of details pervaded my young life. Any television watching was occupied by conversation of what the advertisers or news deliverers implied or left unsaid and what it said about the truth of the situation and the motivation of the speakers. The result of this can be seen in my perfect analytical reasoning score.

However, despite my natural talents and gifts, the results from my undergraduate degree was unsatisfactory. This was due to a combination of an uncertainty of purpose and some academic laziness. However late in college and in the intervening years, I have developed a passion for fixing the problems of over governance through helping congressmen write better laws. This has instilled in me a sense of purpose and a drive which shall help me to reach my potential. Furthermore the more focused curriculum as well as a greater appreciation for my academic gifts will keep me on track and focused on the course work.

This is evident in the study of law I have taken up in my spare time. Any reference to law I find in my daily life becomes thoroughly researched, investigated and discussed with my friends. Recently this has included a thorough examination of the contractual obligation associated with coupons in conjecture with franchised restaurants and how cyber security and bullying laws affect “Confessional” Facebook pages. After having these conversations and then looking them up in law journals, the points brought up were very similar. These pursuits were both educational and enjoyable and have whetted my appetite for a more thorough and systematic study of the law.

Once my study of law is complete, I look forward to begin the process of helping to rewrite the law code in a more constitutional and social responsible way, either at our state capital or in the nation’s capital, continuing Georgia’s great contributions to our nation’s conscience and law code. With my natural skills and interest combined with the knowledge gained through your program, I will be able to effect real change in our Nation’s law code.

Jesus Christ.

[Anonymous User]

OK well I'm about to go an edit it-- assuming I don't scrap it is this a good list of things?

1. remove fluff/condense
2. fix grammar/structure
3. insert anecdotes when possible instead of long explanations
4. fix grammar/structure

The point for me was really to try to hit all the important things that I want them to know-- my educational abilities, my intellectual abilities, my service work, and then to describe how I was able to develop those things and how they will impact my future. But I guess more compact, forceful intriguing, cliff-hanging stories are the way to go?

[nothingtosee]

OK well I'm about to go an edit it-- assuming I don't scrap it is this a good list of things?

1. remove fluff/condense
2. fix grammar/structure
3. insert anecdotes when possible instead of long explanations
4. fix grammar/structure

The point for me was really to try to hit all the important things that I want them to know-- my educational abilities, my intellectual abilities, my service work, and then to describe how I was able to develop those things and how they will impact my future. But I guess more compact, forceful intriguing, cliff-hanging stories are the way to go?

Yeah, I would say it's better to hit one point hard than all points soft. I agree that most PS won't make a difference. But I think you can have a PS the reader will remember. They'll be able to remember one thing or one sentence better than everything that makes you tick.

And have you read the Yale law blog ps posts? I think those are the best online.

Google asha Yale personal statement bootcamp

[HRomanus]

OK well I'm about to go an edit it-- assuming I don't scrap it is this a good list of things?

1. remove fluff/condense
2. fix grammar/structure
3. insert anecdotes when possible instead of long explanations
4. fix grammar/structure

The point for me was really to try to hit all the important things that I want them to know-- my educational abilities, my intellectual abilities, my service work, and then to describe how I was able to develop those things and how they will impact my future. But I guess more compact, forceful intriguing, cliff-hanging stories are the way to go?

I assume you're applying in the fall? Just scrap the whole thing. Your application and resume list your educational achievements, service work, and other details. The LSAC application is so limited you must use every part for its purpose. Don't talk about multiple things or have "anecdotes." You have two double-spaced pages - around 600 words - to communicate something worthwhile about your personality. The safest method is to choose one thing - an event, organization, or project - that exemplifies some of your best characteristics.

[bizzike]

OK well I'm about to go an edit it-- assuming I don't scrap it is this a good list of things?

1. remove fluff/condense
2. fix grammar/structure
3. insert anecdotes when possible instead of long explanations
4. fix grammar/structure

The point for me was really to try to hit all the important things that I want them to know-- my educational abilities, my intellectual abilities, my service work, and then to describe how I was able to develop those things and how they will impact my future. But I guess more compact, forceful intriguing, cliff-hanging stories are the way to go?

1. Adcomms are going to judge your educational abilities based off of your GPA and LSAT.
2. Right now, your PS is a riff that can be summarized as: one of my parents is liberal and the other is conservative, I SPEAK ESPANOL PICK ME.
3. . Your essay could not be more generic. Every prospective student is driven and competitive (or at least they think they are).

Recommendation:

We've established that your parents are yin/yang. Write a statement about a time in which these contrasting values came into conflict. Write about how you overcame that conflict and how the choices you made/lesson you learned helped you grow. A succinct narrative with clear shifts (conflict>decision>resolution) will demonstrate your capacity for problem solving and illustrate your "diversity".

Don't have a moment like this from your life? Then your selected topic is horse shit and you need to write about something else.

[HRomanus]

We've established that your parents are yin/yang. Write a statement about a time in which these contrasting values came into conflict. Write about how you overcame that conflict and how the choices you made/lesson you learned helped you grow. A succinct narrative with clear shifts (conflict>decision>resolution) will demonstrate your capacity for problem solving and illustrate your "diversity".

Great suggestion! If you take this suggestion, be very careful to not dwell on your parents or their conflict; that must solely be the impetus for your actions. Every word written about your parents (or others) is a word that isn't displaying your actions and character.